


Maleficium

by Sev1970 (mk_malfoy)



Series: Maleficium Series [1]
Category: Harry Potter - Rowling
Genre: M/M, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-04-05
Updated: 2004-04-04
Packaged: 2017-10-04 04:55:09
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 2
Words: 92,970
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mk_malfoy/pseuds/Sev1970
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This fic begins at the beginning of Harry's sixth year. Snape decides to teach Harry a lesson about minding his own business, but he doesn't realise what he has done until it is too late. Non-con included (non-consensual sex, if you do not know).  Very dark fic, but there is some happiness within.  Just don't expect it to make up for the dark; it doesn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Title**: Maleficium

**Author**: Sev1970

**Summary**: This fic begins at the beginning of Harry's sixth year. Snape decides to teach Harry a lesson about minding his own business, but he does not realise what he has done until it is too late. Non-con included (non-consensual sex, if you do not know).

**Rated**: NC-17

**Warnings**: language, non-con, violence, major angst, sexual situations, major character deaths, suicidal situations

**Words**: 92,817

**Began**: April 05, 2004  
**Completed**: January 11, 2005  
**Editing Completed**: January 31, 2005

**Second Editing Completed**: September 02, 2007

**Disclaimer**: None of this is mine; it all belongs to JK Rowling, Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Inc., Warner Bros., and any other entities involved.  
**A/N**: This fic is EXTREMELY Graphic and sad. I do not advise anyone who is already depressed or upset to read this!!! This fic contains a graphic rape scene involving male on male. Yes, this will have elements of slash – HP/SS, but that will be very slow in coming. This entire fic is full of mature subject matter and it will not be a happy fic at all. I should also warn you now that this fic will deal with suicidal characters and will have major character deaths. I will not be adding this at the beginning of each chapter, or including which chapters contain what. I think that this warning is adequate; just know the entire fic is rated NC-17 for a reason!

**A/N II**: Thank you so much to my two wonderful betas, Nymphy and Magdelena!

~*~

**Chapter One: Maleficium**

  


“Get out Potter…NOW!!!”

Harry slowly backed out of the Potions room and once safely outside his professor’s line of vision, he began running as quickly as he could back to the Gryffindor common room. The last two hours had been nightmarish for him. He had gone down to the dungeons for detention with Snape, prepared to scrub cauldrons, or clean the Potions room. Instead, he had been treated to a night of ‘conversation’ with Snape, one that was meant to do nothing but humiliate Harry, which it had done.

Term had begun two days earlier, and this had been Harry's first encounter with Snape outside of class since the dreaded Pensieve incident, and it had been a meeting Harry would never be able to forget. Harry tried to calm himself, but recalling the events of earlier in the evening sent him into near hysterics. No matter how much he tried, his mind kept replaying what had happened, and it was as if he was living it over again.

  
_Harry knew from the moment he entered the classroom that he was in for a rough detention. Snape, of course, made his usual snide remarks and accused the Gryffindor of being too high and mighty to do a regular detention, but stated that was perfectly fine with him as he had other plans, plans that included having Harry relive his memories, ones that involved Harry’s father and his ‘cronies’ as Snape had called them._

It was horrible. No matter how much he begged Snape to stop the memories, they kept coming. Harry did not last five minutes before he fell on the floor crying uncontrollably, desperately looking at his professor and shaking his head.

Harry watched as his father, Sirius, Remus and Peter all took turns with their taunting of the emaciated Slytherin; they were constantly hexing him, and making his life hell.

Part of Snape’s memories were of Snape’s parents beating him and calling him names. They obviously had been told of the students’ antics towards their son, because both of his parents laughed in his face and said he’d deserved it, that he did not know how to stand up to anyone, and that he would forever be a lonely loser.

Then Harry saw a memory with Snape lying in his bed in the Slytherin dorms, crying as he wrote in his journal. Harry could read the words his professor was writing, and could see how despondent the boy was. The words Harry read were full of sadness and grief, and of longing for acceptance. He watched as Snape wrote of how he had finally found acceptance in Lord Voldemort; he wrote of how important the man made him feel. Harry then read a passage about how much Snape had hoped to be friends with someone from school, someone his own age, someone with whom he could talk about homework and girls with, no matter what house they were from. He wrote he only wanted a friend. Then he wrote that everyone looked at him as a filthy slimy specimen and nothing more, and if no one else wanted him he would go to someone who did.

The next memory was of Snape prostrating himself before Voldemort. Harry watched, horrified, as his professor’s left arm was grabbed and held as a brand was lowered onto the pale white skin, and his sobs became even more uncontrollable when Snape began screaming; it was not a scream that Harry would soon forget -- it was forever seared into his memory. His professor had shaken so violently when the brand was lowered that he had to be held down by four men. He had blood running down his arm and tears were falling like a stream down his face. Then, as quickly as it had begun, it ended, and after a few spells were whispered by Voldemort, Snape ceased his screaming, although he still had tears falling on his now bloodied robe.

Harry watched as the memory faded and thought he was about to see another when he was jerked to his feet by his seething professor. His cries, ones that would have incited pity and worry in most, only incited fury in his professor.

“What, why the tears, Potter? Didn’t you want to see that? Those are the very memories you would have witnessed that day had I not found you when I did. Oh, I am very grateful I found you and stopped you that day, but I knew even then…yes, I knew that one day you would see what your little grubby nose stuck itself in my Pensieve to see. So, how do you feel? Oh yes, I know you have been crushed, seeing reinforcements of proof that your father was not all that you had hoped or been told. And of course, your slimy git of a Potions professor was not the evil and plotting Slytherin you and your so-called friends envisioned him as being. He was just someone looking for a friend, Potter, but never found one. He went to the Dark Lord thinking at last, someone wanted him for himself, but of course, that too was a fallacy. Well, I think this detention is over, Mr Potter. And do not become accustomed to these lighter detentions; I will not be making a habit of it.”

  
Harry pulled the curtains around his bed and placed a silencing charm before he broke down into uncontrollable sobs. He understood why he had been shown this -- he even probably deserved it -- but what he had seen would not ever leave his memory. Harry had been mistreated, neglected and malnourished by his relatives, and he had longed for an escape.  He had hated his miserable existence and the horrid way his relatives made him feel, but never, ever in all his sixteen years, had he ever felt this hurt and upset. He would rather Snape had beat or curse him. Nothing could have made him feel worse than what he witnessed.

He felt sick. He had seen how lonely Snape had been as a student and had seen him trying to make polite conversation, only to be humiliated by the other person. No, the taunting had not been limited to his father and his friends, but the four Gryffindors had been the instigators.

~*~

Harry forced himself to wake up and get dressed; everyone else was already gone. Sleep had evaded Harry for most of the night, and what little he did get had not been peaceful. Images of his father and his friends taunting Snape played constantly with images of Voldemort searing the brand into his Potions professor’s arm. He had awakened an hour earlier screaming; fortunately, his silencing charms had still been in place. He didn’t know how he was going to make it through the day — his every thought was focused on what he witnessed the previous night. He understood the reasoning behind Snape showing him the memories, but also knew his professor had no idea how it was affecting him. The bitter man probably thought he was gloating and thinking that his professor had gotten what he had deserved. However, that was far from the truth, and he wanted the man to know, but knew that he would not be approaching his professor about this. Snape was obviously enraged with him and wanted as little to do with him as possible.

Hair still wet from his shower, Harry quickly made his way to the common room and out the portrait hole. He had already missed breakfast, and if he did not hurry, he would be late for class. Not paying attention to where he was, he absent-mindedly found himself on one of the staircases that was currently repositioning its self and taking him in the complete opposite direction of where he needed to be. _Bugger._When the stairs ceased moving, Harry looked around, so he could determine where he was and where he needed to go.

Suddenly, a hand clasped itself over his mouth with a strong grip and Harry saw as the figure moved from behind so he was looking into the eyes of his captor. Then he saw three others approaching, all laughing. He tried screaming, but whoever had their hand over his mouth was too strong, and Harry was finding it hard to breathe. He tried kicking and thrashing around, but two of his assailants grabbed his legs as the other placed a gag in his mouth and a blindfold around his eyes.

This was not good; this was bad — very bad. Nothing good could come of this. He did not have access to his wand, but as of yet, the others had not taken it from him. He knew they would eventually, however.

He felt himself being carried; it seemed like they were on the move for a long time, to Harry it lasted an eternity. Finally, he was dropped on a hard surface, which felt like either stone or cement. The blindfold was ripped from his eyes, and the gag, removed from his mouth. He glared at his four captors.

“And just what in the hell is this about, Malfoy?” Harry watched as Draco sneered.

“Did we tell you that you could speak? Did I give you permission to address me? You would do well to shut your fucking mouth right now, Potter. Just who in the hell do you think you are, anyway? Oh yes, you are the Boy-Who-Lived. Should we bow at your feet, Potter? Eh? Not so bold now, are we? Not so quick to make snide remarks about me now with me standing in front of you. Snape was right…you are pathetic, just like your dead father.”

Well, Harry wasn’t going to listen to this and just take it. “Shut your sodding mouth right now, Malfoy. You are the pathetic one, kneeling at that bastard’s feet. You make me sick, and if you EVER make such remarks about my family, ever again, I will kill you, Malfoy, and do not think I am joking. Your sorry arse is a detriment to Hogwarts and everyone would be better off without the Malfoys in our world. You shame us with your haughty worshiping of that bastard, and don’t think we all don’t know that if it were not for the money and endless resources that your family receives, the lot of you would not be prostrating yourselves. If Albus Dumbledore was handing out money, you can be sure your father would be at the head of the line, no matter what he had to do in order to get there. You act as if you are above all of us, but yet you are forever going to remain below us. Your kind is what gives us a bad name in the Muggle world.”

Draco walked up to Harry, and with a whisper, retrieved the Gryffindor’s wand. Immediately after retrieving it, he tossed it to one of his fellow attackers. Grabbing his own from his robe, Draco backed up and smiled wickedly.

“Oh this is going to be so much fun. I have always wanted to put you in your proper place, and blarmy me, Professor Snape asked my friends and me if we would teach you a little lesson or two. Of course how could I turn down such a request, especially after seeing why he asked us to do so. Yes, Potter, this was not my idea, I did not ever hope of touching your ugly little face. Our Master wants you for himself and us students are forbidden to attack you, but no one messes with us Slytherins and gets away with it. You just had to go looking where you were not supposed to. You just had to find out. Oh well, now you know…oh yes, I heard how you screamed and begged Snape to stop the memories. He laughed so hard that tears were falling down his face. I daresay he hates you more now than ever, Potter.”

So, this was on Snape’s orders, he had given Draco and his band of hoodlums permission to treat him as his father and the others had treated the Slytherin. Harry was disappointed; he knew Snape hated him, but this was beyond ridiculous, allowing members of his house to attack a fellow student.

He hated that his father had been so mean, but Harry did not deserve to pay for something that happened before he was born. ”Well, that is an astute observation, Malfoy; I really didn’t think Snape was doing this out of_ love_. So now, what happens, you and your thugs going to hex me and make me hang upside down while you curse me more? Or are you going to transfigure me as my father did Snape? Well, go on then, best not to keep the greasy git waiting; he will want to hear all about how I screamed and put up this huge fight.” Harry looked into the blond Slytherin’s eyes and saw mirth in them as Malfoy's head began shaking with laughter.

“Yes, you would like us to try, wouldn’t you? Of course, no one is to know that famous Harry Potter can now do wandless magic, are they? Funny thing is, I do know. That presents us with a minor problem, wouldn’t you say? We have been given instructions to do exactly what your father and his friends did to Professor Snape. He showed us everything and we really do want to see you suffer just as he did. Well, lucky for us your wandless magic cannot protect you from everything your bastard of a father did.”

Harry saw the four moving in and was pushed to the floor violently. Then he was hit in the jaw and kicked a few times in his ribs. Then he felt his robes being ripped off of him. Someone was pulling down his trousers while another was ripping off his shirt. He was being held down by all four of his captors; his hands and legs were immobile. Yes, he could do wandless magic, but none of it would be of any use in this situation. The four were using their wands together to confuse his body and that, along with their physical bombardment of him, would prevent him from stopping their attack.

He was roughly turned over once he was completely naked and immediately felt a heavy weight on his back and felt an intruding cock rubbing against his entrance. He closed his eyes. _This is not happening. This can't possibly be happening._ He hadn’t been sure if he had ever really hated Snape, but now he knew without a doubt, he did indeed hate the man.

He screamed out as the perpetrator slammed into him in one bone crushing thrust. He had never felt such pain. Soon whoever was invading his body began pulling out and sinking back in with a steady rhythm. And each one was pain beyond comparison to Harry. Then he felt as the body covering him shook, and felt the release of the foreign seed into his torn body. No sooner had he felt the removal of said body than another turned him over forcefully enough so that Harry's head hit the floor with a thud. He was now dazedly staring into the eyes of Malfoy.

“I want to see you when I fuck you, Potter; lift your legs up, now.” Within seconds, Draco buried himself inside Harry, tearing him further, and slamming into him at a much greater rate than the previous assailant had.

“Does this feel good, Potter? Is this everything you imagined it to be? So, whom were you saving yourself for? The Mudblood? Or, do you fancy Weasley? Neither one will want you now, you filth. No one will ever want you, ever. Now you will know what it is like for Professor Snape; your father ruined him and we’ll ruin you.” Draco slammed into him one final time and poured himself into Harry, causing his victim to cry out at the severe burning sensation. “Ah poor Potter, poor, poor Potter. So sorry, but we have to do as we were told.”

Draco hurriedly left Harry and zipped up his trousers and was replaced by another, who was twice as big as Draco. He did not take long to finish, but then he decided to have some more fun with his victim. “Potter, you can’t tell me you are not aroused by us. I want you to come for us, if you don’t, well…we’ll just repeat this until you do, no matter how many times we have to do it.”

Harry was far from aroused; he was scared to death and did not think there was anyway he could force himself to release, but he had to. He would be killed if he didn’t, not by their hands for not having an orgasm, but by the brutal repeated rapes. He already felt himself losing consciousness.

Harry felt as his perpetrator, still the third, took him whole into his mouth and began violently sucking him off. It was not nice and easy -- it was hard and painful, and he felt as small bites were placed along his very sore penis. Suddenly he felt himself beginning to stir, only slightly, but he felt sure if he concentrated enough, possibly, he could come.

“I want you to come inside of me.”

Harry looked up at his rapist with wide eyes.

“You heard me right, Potter.”

Harry's breathing became more ragged as the large person positioned his body so that he could impale himself on the now almost hard cock of the trembling Gryffindor. Harry felt hands caressing his balls and felt himself tighten to almost the breaking point.

Then the figure was on him and lowered his body until he had all of Harry inside him. Harry heard the other moan and felt as the intruding body began to thrust up and down onto him. He was hardly able to see through his tears, but he wouldn’t allow himself to scream; he knew this is what the others wanted him to do. He felt himself beginning to shake and within seconds he spent everything he had inside of the nasty assailant.

“One more, Potter, are you up for it?” All four laughed wickedly as the fourth and final, or so Harry hoped, climbed on him and without warning embedded the hard cock into Harry’s very sore and bruised arse. He was in excruciating pain, but it was all the same now, probably because he had been ripped apart so brutally that anything further could do no more damage than had already been done.

Harry was beyond tears and wanted nothing more than to run away and hide from everyone. He felt so dirty and violated. As much as he had hated his professor before, Harry couldn’t understand how a grown man could allow this to happen. Harry would not wish this upon anyone, not even Peter Pettigrew or Bellatrix Lestrange.

Finally, Harry felt the burning as his perpetrator ejaculated inside of him. His body was on fire. The large figure stood up and zipped his trousers as he looked down at the bloodied body of his victim and laughed wickedly.

“You got exactly what you deserved, Potter. I hope this will teach you to mind your own business and not go snooping in things which you have no right snooping in.”

Without another word the four left the room.  Harry was at a loss: his clothes were in tatters, his body was burning and bleeding, and he could hardly move from what he knew had to be extensive injuries. He didn’t know where he was or what he should do. He couldn’t leave as he was -- he had no wand, and knew he was too weak to perform wandless magic. _This is so sodding perfect…I get attacked and raped by Malfoy and his thugs, and am left to be found, or to die. Please let me die. _

~*~

Harry must have passed out from his injuries because he was awakened by a loud gasp, followed by a frantic voice which belonged to a male. He slowly opened his eyes and made out a blurry figure hovering above him. Trying to adjust his eyes, he let out a scream.

“Get away from me, you bastard. How dare you come in here; are you here to gloat? Or are you here to finish me off, Snape?”

Harry saw the figure above him trembling with wide eyes, and he  could hear the man’s voice shake as he spoke.

“Oh Merlin. No, no, please no. Potter, did Draco do this to you?”

Harry couldn’t speak so he nodded. Then he found his voice. “But you knew that, Snape, didn’t you? You told them to do this to me, to get me back for seeing all that you had done to you by my father and his friends. You, a PROFESSOR, gave Draco Malfoy and his friends permission to RAPE me, oh my Merlin, what in the fuck is that about? I have always known you hated me, but I never thought you had it in you to be this vindictive. Look, I can’t believe what my father and his friends did to you, but why? Why? You must remember how you felt; why? Why? ” Harry began crying and the tears cascaded down his face. “Does this make it all better for you, Snape? Have you got your revenge? Or…or do you want to finish me off, and rape me again? Go on then, have at it; take what you want, you cannot possibly hurt me more than they already have,” Harry said as he sobbed into his hands.

“Potter...Harry, I am so sorry. This is entirely my fault. I told them to pay you back with a taste of your own medicine. I never realised.  I…”

Harry watched as his teacher covered his face with his hands and watched as the man’s body shook violently. Then he watched as Snape took out a phial, and for some strange reason, one which he wasn’t certain of, he allowed the trembling man to help him swallow the contents. After a few seconds, Harry felt a tiny bit better, but he still ached all over. Before he knew what had happened, he was in the hospital wing with Madam Pomfrey leaning over him with a worried look on her face.

“Harry, dear, can you hear me?” Harry tried to nod but his body was not exactly responding to his commands. His nod must have been perceptible enough, however, because Professor Dumbledore was soon standing by his bedside.

Harry looked up into the usually twinkling blue eyes and found them looking at him sadly. He turned his head so he didn’t have to look into those eyes.

“Harry, Professor Snape has been relieved of his teaching duties, and Mrs Malfoy, Goyle, Crabbe and Zabini are all in the process of being expelled. They will not hurt you again.”

**Chapter Two: Reliving the Past**

"We’ll talk again in the morning, Severus, and I must say this, even as I know you will not adhere to it.  I must forbid you from approaching Harry."

Severus nodded his head as he turned and quietly left the Headmaster’s office without his usual grand exit. His mind was racing with everything that had happened from last night forward, and he was having a difficult time believing that the events really had taken place. It all seemed so hazy, as if he were in a dream, but dreams did not lose a person their job, and dreams did not literally ruin a person’s life. No, this had not been a dream, and he knew it. He had been fired and Harry Potter had been raped per his instructions. A nightmare had taken place and Severus knew many people would never wake from it.

Albus had calmly asked Severus several questions, and had no recourse other than firing him. Severus knew that rape could not, and would not, ever be condoned by anyone at Hogwarts, and he had given permission to his Slytherin sixth year male students to rape a fellow student, and that was inexcusable.

  
_"Severus, my boy, I have known you for many years, and have never known you to be immoral or violent in the way you treat your students. You have always expected much from them and even as I sometimes questioned your methods, I never questioned your right to teach them that way because your students always ended up doing well as an overall group._

"I have always been proud of you, Severus, always. I knew as a student that you faced incredible loneliness and suffered greatly at the hands of your fellow year mates. I regret not stepping in and putting an end to it all, but if I had done so, you would have only been made more fun of and I wanted to spare you that. Perhaps I should have stepped in, regardless.  I can see such sadness in your eyes; you have many emotions showing. Severus, tell me about what Harry told me. Did James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter rape you?"

Severus had been looking into Albus’ sad blue eyes, but turned his head away after hearing the question. He had vowed this would never be discovered by Albus; he had told only two others and thought no one else would ever find out, but he knew that he wouldn’t and couldn’t ever lie to Albus -- the older wizard had helped the wayward Slytherin/turned Death Eater/turned spy, in so many different ways, and had never asked for anything from Severus except his loyalty.  Well, that wasn’t exactly true, but Severus refused to think on these things.

Turning his gaze back to the sad eyes, Severus slowly nodded his head. "Yes, Albus, I was raped, but it wasn’t Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew, it was Malfoy, Crabbe, Goyle and Zabini. They used Polyjuice and somehow made their way through the wards and entered the grounds. It was at the end of seventh year, the day before term let out. I was out walking that night by the forbidden forest, and that is when it happened. Potter and Black, or Lucius and Goyle, I should say, were the ones who instigated it; both Crabbe and Zabini looked scared, but that certainly did not stop them." Severus lowered his eyes and raised a hand to wipe away the errant tears that had escaped. This was not something he wanted to think about. It had been the worst memory of his entire life, even worse than being cursed and branded with the Dark Mark by the Dark Lord himself, but now that memory had been replaced by one much worse, one that had him giving his students permission to do to their adversary the one thing Severus would never wish upon any other human being.

"Why did you not report this, Severus?"

"Oh come now, Albus, let’s remember who we are talking about. Death Eaters raped me, disguised as The Golden Quartet of Hogwarts. I loathed each of your perfect Gryffindors and knew there wasn’t much they wouldn’t do to me, but I did know they would never resort to rape. They were the pride of Hogwarts, and were placed on a pedestal by everyone. Of course, Lupin and Pettigrew were just along for the ride, but by association, they were just as untouchable as Potter and Black. Even if it had been them who had raped me, who would have believed me, Albus, would you have? You say you respect me and have always been proud of me, but then I was not a spy for you. Would you have taken me at my word when I accused your ‘Golden Boys’ of raping me — Severus Snape, the bane of everyone’s existence? As it was, I could not say anything. I was being ‘punished’ for having doubts about carrying out orders that I had been given. Lucius knew I would not be telling anyone, so they were not careful at all in how they treated me."

"Severus, I hate to do this, but I must view the Pensieve. It is the only way I can verify what I have been told. If this memory has somehow interwoven itself throughout your other memories associated with James and his friends, as it sounds like it may have done from what Harry told me of your reaction, I will be able to prove that by examining the memory ribbons that created the images, and see what condition they are in. A memory fades a little after each viewing, maybe not in ones mind, or in a Pensieve, but the blueprint of a memory, most certainly fades. I will also be able to tell if you took out this memory, or if it allowed itself to be attached to other memories. Can you please tell me exactly what you said to Mr Malfoy and his friends last night?"

Severus closed his eyes and walked to the window looking down over the Whomping Willow. "I was in my office last night after Potter…Mr Potter, left, when Draco and his friends walked in. I was not in a good mood; having my memories viewed, while my idea, was not an easy thing to witness someone else doing, especially when said person was obviously affected in the way he was. Draco asked me what was wrong, and I must have said Potter because the four of them began laughing and saying they would love to see Potter put in his place. Then I turned around and looked at them seriously and said they should do just that. Of course they knew of my past troubles with Potter’s father, so I told them it would be nice if Potter could be given a taste of his own medicine. Then Draco saw the Pensieve and asked if that was what Harry had viewed; all of my students knew what I was going to make him do during detention. I nodded my head and told them if they wanted, they could look inside and see what all had happened to me at the hands of Potter and his friends. Then I told them I would look the other way if they just happened to do some things to Harry that they had seen in the Pensieve. I told them they had twenty minutes, as I was finishing up a potion and it would be ready in that time. I didn’t pay them any attention, as I was too busy with my own work. Twenty minutes later, they told me they were finished and left without saying another word.

"That was the last I saw of them until this morning when they ran into my office laughing hysterically. I asked why they missed their first class and they told me. I told them to remain in my office, then went and found Potter; it was horrible, Albus. He was lying in a puddle of blood mixed with his and their semen, and his body looked like one huge open wound. I do not know how he survived."

  
Severus entered his chambers, ones that fortunately for him, would remain his for the immediate future, and hung his cloak up, before pouring himself a glass of Firewhiskey. He had a strong dislike for the horrid liquid that burned as it went down his throat, but it was the strongest liquour he had available. Albus had asked him to return to his office in the morning at eight with his Pensieve, and had given Severus implicit instructions not to view the contents.

No matter what the memories revealed, however, Severus's termination would stand. As of an hour and a half ago, he no longer was a Potions Professor at Hogwarts, and had been officially removed from Hogwarts and banned from ever returning, effective immediately. He would of course remain at Hogwarts but as far as his responsibilities, he had none any longer, except to keep spying for the Dark Lord.

Severus would have gladly adhered to these terms; if allowed he would no longer be worrying about how much he had ruined Potter’s life, and he would not be loathing himself any longer. He would have simply gone to his potion cupboard and retrieved that little white phial, the one he had been saving since the day Lucius and his friends had raped him. Severus had brewed the potion as soon as he was away from Hogwarts after the rapes and had intended on drinking it, but the Dark Lord had called him and that was when he learned that James Potter was considered a threat, and he, Severus, had been given the assignment of watching Potter's every move. 

Severus did not understand why he had actually decided to follow that bastard's orders rather than kill himself, but he had and the potion had been stored away. Now would have been the perfect opportunity to take it; the thing preventing him from taking his life now was another Potter.

~*~

Harry was given a strong draught after he talked to the Headmaster, and it was hoped that he would remain asleep for the next several hours, allowing his body to begin the healing process, but he kept waking up because of the pain. It was almost too much for the Gryffindor to handle, but as long as he concentrated enough on what was happening around him and listened to what was being said and done, the pain seemed somewhat tolerable.

Madam Pomfrey examined him completely and said it was likely he would have permanent scarring and more than likely he would never be able to function as a normal male functioned, sexually speaking, ever again.

Many of the wounds on his upper body and bruises that had been on his face were healed immediately by Madam Pomfrey, and his fractured ribs were mended as well, but his lower body would have to heal on its own, without magic.

His body was filled with curses from four different sources, and after trying in vain, Poppy finally contacted Bill Weasley to come rid Harry of the complex curses. The eldest Weasley broke down when he walked in the room; the younger boy who meant so much to him, looked helpless. It didn’t take Bill long at all to remove the invading and still active curses, and almost immediately, Harry’s vital signs showed signs of improvement.

Even as Bill was a trustworthy person and everyone at Hogwarts trusted him with their lives, Albus thought it necessary to obliviate him before he left. News would get out in time about what had happened, and Albus wanted to contact the Weasleys and a few other people personally when Harry was stronger, and allow them to find out that way, rather than having things get out of control now. Albus knew he was doing Bill a favor; the eldest Weasley would not have been able to keep this to himself.

~*~

Severus nodded towards Poppy, entered the back room of the hospital wing, and saw the pale figure of Potter lying motionless in the bed, covered with only a thin sheet to allow fresh air to circulate around his injured areas. He found a chair by the bed and sat down. He could not believe the boy had lived; he had lost so much blood. Severus had been covered in it when he had picked the boy up and placed an invisibility charm on the two of them as he ran to the hospital wing. He hadn't covered Harry, so the blood had continued gushing out of his gaping wounds down the front of Severs’s robes. Severus had whispered a cleaning charm that would continuously clean up anything that fell to the floor from him or Harry, but by the time they reached the hospital wing, Severus had been covered from head to foot.

Severus had hated this boy with everything he had and had wanted nothing more than to give him what he deserved, but Potter didn’t deserve this -- no one did. Severus had acted out of malice when he had told Draco what he could do, and he had meant every word of it, but even being so full of hatred for this now helpless pale image of James Potter, Severus could have never guessed what Draco and the others had seen in the Pensieve, or what Harry had seen.

Severus knew he should leave: he still had four Slytherins to deal with and he had no idea how they would react to everything he would be telling them. Draco was arrogant and treated others so horribly, but the wayward boy was searching for approval, not much different from what Severus had always craved.

Draco was following in his father’s footsteps, but he was more loyal to Severus than his father, and would go to the ends of the earth for him. Draco had raped a student with what he thought was his professor's permission. When he heard the truth, would he not care and say that Potter deserved it anyway, or would he react otherwise? Severus was scared to find out. He almost didn’t care about Crabbe and Goyle -- those two were good for nothing thugs who would end up dead as soon as their sorry arses left Hogwarts, and Zabini was almost just as bad as they were -- but, even they had been led to believe their act was condoned. Severus would have to tell them what had happened, and he had already decided that he was not going to withhold the truth from them -- they deserved to know that their parents had raped him, and not Potter’s father and his friends.

He had kept this secret so long that it had apparently begun to filter itself into his other memories, so much so that it found its way into his Pensieve, giving enough details to allow anyone seeing them to know what happened. Severus was curious if his memory had been witnessed as one memory, or if it had been broken up in between other memories, but he would never find out for himself. He did not intend to ever relive that memory again on purpose; he had nightmares about it as it was.

Harry began coughing violently and Severus watched as Poppy quickly made her way into the room and propped the small body up against the pillows.

After the coughing ceased, Harry slowly opened his eyes and looked directly into those of his former Potions professor’s. In a voice barely audible, he whispered, "It hurts so bad, Professor, please make it stop. I hate him. I hate him. How could he do that to you? I hate him, I hate him…" Harry’s eyes were fixed on Severus as his body began to shake with his sobs.

Severus watched as Poppy poured another potion down the frightened boy’s throat and hugged him as she rocked the two of them back and forth until he quieted.

"Shh, you need your rest, dear." Poppy gently laid him back down and covered him. "Close your eyes, little one; that’s it, love, just close your eyes and go to sleep; I’ll be here when you wake up."

A few minutes later, Severus felt as someone grasped his hands and removed them from his face, and he opened his eyes to see Poppy looking at him sadly.

"You are a good and decent man, Severus. Harry will be okay, we’ll make sure of it. You need to go get some sleep now, love, but tomorrow after you and the Headmaster finish with your meeting, I want you down here so you can tell Harry he has no reason to hate his father."

Severus nodded and he smiled slightly. "Thanks, Poppy, I will be here."

**Chapter Three: Confrontations**

  
Severus composed himself before entering his office. Seeing Potter looking at him with such fear had chilled him to the bone, and what made it worse had been the Gryffindor’s repeated pronouncements of hatred towards his father. Severus would have remained there staring at Harry had Poppy not literally pushed him out and told him to go get some rest.

Rest…that was one thing Severus would not be getting. Inhaling, and then exhaling deeply, he gathered himself and entered the dark office. He had expected Draco and the others to be waiting for him as he had asked them to, but he had been told by Albus that the four would be meeting with him first, so that is where they now were, Severus surmised.

Pouring himself a glass of Firewhiskey, he sat behind his desk and propped his feet up on scattered parchments that were waiting to be marked. Closing his eyes, he wondered how this soon to be released news of what had happened to Potter was going be received. This was indeed a mess. His status as a spy would be questioned if he claimed he was innocent. He had no choice but to appear as though he had meant this to happen. He would do it for Albus, and yes, now also, for Potter. It was the fault of the Dark Lord that any of this had taken place and Severus vowed to seek revenge on the sorry bastard.

Hearing voices, Snape removed his feet from the desk and opened the door with a wave of his wand, beckoning the four to enter. Pointing to four chairs he had conjured, the former students sat down and looked at him quizzically. Severus noticed how Crabbe, Goyle and Zabini all looked smug, as if they were pleased with themselves, a fact Severus did not doubt for one moment. Looking at Draco however, Severus could see that the boy was confused.

Severus stood and walked around his desk so that he was standing directly in front of the four. “I need not repeat how disappointed I am in the four of you; how in Merlin’s name could you be so dense as to rape a student? We are to lay low, remember? Not bring undo attention to ourselves. Well, I’d say the four of you have made a mess of things. What did the Headmaster have to say, Draco?”

“He was furious, but he told us we could remain here if we wanted, to be protected, but as I see it, we need to leave to be protected. What was it that you said to us last night? Something about you turning your back if we were to do certain things to Potter? So what gives, Professor? When we told you what we had done this morning, you shot out of here like a bat out of hell; next thing we know we are in the Headmasters office, being told we are being expelled. It had to have been you who told; no one else knew…well, Potter did, but I doubt he would have said anything.”

Severus clenched his jaw and could feel himself turning red; he was furious with this entire situation, but most of all, with himself. “You’re damn right he would not have said anything, Draco. If I had not found him, he more than likely would have never said anything and injuries be damned, he would have gone on as if nothing had happened. And yes, I told the Headmaster what happened.” Severus watched as four faces reddened and as anger permeated their features. He returned to his desk and sat down behind it. Turning so he was facing a bookshelf, and away from the increasingly angry former students, Severus began speaking.

“Do you think this is easy for me, spying on Dumbledore for the Dark Lord? Every move I make has to be carefully planned, and thanks to your actions, all of that is in jeopardy now. I didn’t know that memory of the rape was in the Pensieve, therefore I had no idea that the four of you had seen it and would then decide to rape Potter. This morning when the Headmaster asked you why you had done what you did, you were correct with your responses. I did give you permission to act, however, as I said, I had no idea you had witnessed the rape."

Draco was the first to respond. “Even if you didn’t know it was in there, which is hard for me to believe, Potter still got what was coming to him. We saw it, Professor; they were beating you and cursing you, all while they were taking their turns tearing you apart. Potter got what he deserved, I’d say. He—”

Severus stood and neared Draco with a look of rage rapidly taking over his face. “I do loathe Potter but I did not deserve to be raped just as Potter did not deserve to be raped, Draco. But yes, you are correct -- my rapists did do unspeakable things to me, things that will stay with me until I die. And while we are speaking of my rape, as loathe as I am to have to hurt you,_ Draco_, there is something the four of you must know. Harry’s father and his friends did not rape me that night. I was raped by your fathers, yes -- all four of your fathers raped me. They found me alone and somehow breeched the wards and gained entrance to the grounds…and yes, Draco, they raped me…RAPED me; they used Polyjuice, and appeared to be Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew. Since it happened at night, no one else witnessed it, and I never told anyone. It is likely Potter saw the memory when I made him look in the Pensieve. Then the four of you viewed it hours later. I had no clue it was in there. But, even if it had been Potter and his friends who had raped me, his son would not deserve to be punished for his father’s sin.

“Do you know what you have done, Draco? Do you have any clue, or you three? No, you four are so blinded by your devotion to our Master that you really do think rape is a commendable action.  Well, I am here to tell you it is not. I will do just about anything demanded of me by our Lord, but rape is not one of them; I would rather be killed on the spot than be forced to take from someone else what was taken from me.”

“My father raped you? No, he couldn’t have.”

“Yes, he could have, and he did, Draco, I promise you. I would not be telling you this if it had not happened. I am telling you this because I need you to know this was not something I would have ever condoned. Raping a fellow classmate, Draco? Did you really think I would allow that to happen?”

“The memory was there and you told us--”      

It was true. Shaking his head, he looked at the son of his most hated enemy, other than the Dark Lord. “Yes, I did, and no matter how many times we argue the facts, the facts do not change. No matter if you had only cursed Potter a few times, I gave the four of you permission to do him harm, and that is inexcusable. Knowing that you thought I wanted you to rape that boy makes me sick to my stomach. All of you know how much I despised Potter, but how can you think I would ask such a thing? Do you think so little of me, Draco? Am I really that much of a monster that you do not think twice when you think I want you to do something that bad?

“I, just as the four of you, want to help advance the movements of our Lord, but here at Hogwarts, I &lt;I&gt;was&lt;/i&gt; a professor – there are rules to follow."

Severus closed his eyes as he felt his head beginning to ache; all of this was beginning to overwhelm him. He opened his eyes and wanted to scream, but managed to speak in a somewhat calm voice. "I am tired…just leave; I want to be alone, but we are not finished. As of now, none of your parents have been notified as to the events that have taken place, so for tonight you will stay in the rooms the Headmaster told you about; he already told me about them. I want the four of you back here tomorrow at noon, and remember, do not let me catch any of you out tonight or tomorrow before noon, wandering the corridors. Now leave.”

Slamming the door after the former Slytherins left, Severus picked up the glass of Firewhiskey he had been drinking earlier and flung it across the room, watching as it shattered into a million pieces. Everything he had worked so diligently towards over the past twenty years had all but been erased, and it was his fault.

Both the Headmaster and Poppy had been right; he was a good person.  No matter how much of a ‘git’ his students thought he was, he would never cross that line. Of course, he knew he had neared it several times, and Merlin only knew the curses that he spat off in his head, but never had he done anything illegal; he took his responsibility as a teacher seriously, and again, Merlin only knew how extensive his illegal activities for the Dark Lord had been and still were. Every time he watched as an innocent victim died at the hands of that monster, Severus felt himself die a little more. He was contributing to the deaths and there was nothing he could do about it. Well, he could break ranks and try to flee the monster, but that would be senseless; he would not be allowed to get far….

Severus was roused from his ruminations by someone pounding on his door. The hour was late; in fact, it was time for him to make his usual rounds around the school, but he remembered that he no longer had that responsibility -- he had been relieved of those duties.

“Professor Snape? Please let us in. We know you know what happened to Harry and we want to know. We haven’t seen him all day and when we went to the hospital wing, Madam Pomfrey told us we would have to leave. Please, Professor, you’ve got to tell us what is wrong with him.”

Pinching the bridge of his nose to quell the headache he felt coming on, the much too tired man reluctantly opened his door and allowed the two frantic Gryffindors entrance.

“Sit.” Severus pointed to two chairs, and when the two sat, he turned to them with his usual sneer firmly in place, but inwardly, he felt like screaming.  What was he to tell Potter’s best friends? Was it even his place to say anything? He didn’t think so.

“Wait here, and do not touch anything.” Giving the two his most menacing look, and receiving two slight nods, he left the room and walked into an adjoining room, where he flooed Dumbledore.

“Albus.”

The Headmaster appeared in his dressing gown, and from the looks of him, he had actually been asleep. “What is it, Severus?”

“Granger and Weasley are in my office demanding to know what happened to Potter. I would love nothing more than to kick them out and say it is none of their business, but I do not think that would be prudent in this situation. I have no doubt they and everyone else will want my head on a platter when they find out the details of what happened.”

Albus stepped out of the fire and looked at the younger man sadly.

"Severus, Harry is special to me, and I cannot even begin to explain why, but when he hurts, I hurt, and to know that you were the one to allow him to be hurt as he has been, it upsets me greatly. But, after digesting what you have told me, I cannot hold you solely responsible for this. Of course everything hinges on what we find tomorrow in your Pensieve, but Severus, you have my support at the moment.”

Severus nodded and turned towards his office. Walking in, the two saw two sets of eyes boring through them.

“Professor Dumbledore, please tell us Harry is alright.”

Albus sat down across from the two students but it was too much for Severus to handle, and he fled the office and shut the door before collapsing on the couch in front of the roaring fire. He would have to face them all, but for now he wanted to be alone.

Something silver caught his eye, and as he looked up, he couldn’t help the tears that fell down his face. It was his time turner; he only used it with the Dark Lord, and that was all he had permission to use it for, but now...

Shaking his head, Severus turned away. He wanted to use it, and he had every right to. If there was a time that needed turning back, it was now, but, it went against everything he believed in; time was not to be messed with as it could have great repercussions. He had no choice with the Dark Lord, but here he had a choice; he could turn back the clock to the previous day and avoid any of the events that had occurred since then, or he could choose not to use it.

He had no proof, but he was almost certain that the time-turner had been used by Potter, Granger and Weasley at the end of their third year to rescue Black. Severus had always vehemently objected to anyone altering time, and of course the Headmaster had told him he was not making any sense, but Severus knew something had happened.

It would be so easy to use it now, and it would make life much easier for all involved, or would it? Severus knew that this bad event would only be replaced by another. It never accomplished anything by altering the natural course of events -- that is what he had always thought, and as much as he wanted to think otherwise, he knew it was the same now. He could use the time turner, protecting Potter, and himself, but for how long? How long would it be until something just as bad, or worse, occurred?

Severus heard the door to his office close and once he was sure the Gryffindors were gone, he reentered the other room to see the Headmaster shaking his head.

He noticed how gaunt the older man looked and realised for the first time in many years, how frail this man really was, and it made Severus sad. This man, who had believed in him and supported him in his quest to atone for his mistakes, was burdened far more than anyone should ever be. “What did you tell them?”

“As little as possible, without lying to them. I told them Harry was attacked this morning and was now in the hospital wing recovering, and I also told them that tomorrow afternoon, when everyone has arrived who needs to, I will tell them precisely what happened.”

“And they were appeased by this, Albus?”

“I should say not, Severus. Mr Weasley was about to tear into your sitting room to force you to tell him what happened, but I think Miss Granger calmed him down. However, I do not think he will remain that way for long.”

“No, I suppose not; Weasley is a hot tempered good for nothing Gryffindor, but as he is Potter’s friend, I cannot blame him for wanting to tear me to shreds. So, what time will everyone be arriving?”

“We will be having lunch in the staff room at one with everyone who needs to be told.”

“So, Potter will not have a say in who finds out what happened to him?”

“Severus, are you suggesting we not tell anyone? I honestly do not know what Harry wants to happen, but my Merlin, he was raped by four students and was almost killed. I see no other alternative. Remus is his only true family and must be told so he can help Harry in any way he can, and the Weasleys need to be told as well. They think of Harry as one of theirs and I know he feels the same about them. I am sure this will be difficult for him, but in this case, there is no alternative. I will not sit by and remain idle while I watch him descend into the hell you did. I was helpless in your case as I had no idea why you were the way you were, but I will tell you here and now, Severus, that young man will never feel unloved or unwanted. He will get through this if I have to personally make sure of it. I refuse to lose another to _him_. He deserves happiness just as you do, Severus”

Severus furrowed his brow and looked away from the Headmaster. “I was already_ his _Albus when that happened to me; there was nothing I, you or anyone else could have done, and Albus, I do not say this to sound condescending, but I have no idea what true happiness is -- I never had it and never will. Happiness to me is knowing that one day all of this will end.”

Albus looked sadly at his former student and employee. He knew every word the young man spoke to be the truth. There had never been happiness for the Slytherin, only grief and heartache.

“So it will my boy. One day we will all be just a memory to the walls of this great institution. Life goes on and new things happen. But for now, we are here, and is it not better to use your time wisely? Severus, you think how much better off everyone would be if you were not here, but do you really believe that to be the truth? Remus, for one, depends on you, I count on you, and your students, believe it or not, they needed you, as well. And soon, Harry will need you to be there for him, and I will be most disappointed my boy if you choose not to be there to help him; you are the only one who can.”

Severus sat down behind his desk and closed his eyes. He was exhausted and needed sleep, but knew what that would mean. Nightmares were a nightly occurrence, and Severus was accustomed to getting by with little to no sleep, but it had been a couple of days since he had slept and he knew he could not go much longer without it.

“Leave me be, Albus, please.” Not hearing any response, or the door opening, Severus cracked an eye open and saw that Albus had not moved. “What do you want, personal assurance that I will still be here tomorrow? No need to lose any sleep over that one, Albus. If I wanted to off myself, I would have done so this morning.”

Severus watched as the much too tired-looking Headmaster slowly nodded his head and stood to leave. Neither spoke and Albus quietly closed the door behind him, leaving Severus alone. It didn’t take him long to fall into a restless sleep, filled with nightmares, and of screams coming from his most hated student.

~*~

Harry wasn’t sure what time it was, but he knew that it was dark outside. He could see a light beneath the door, coming from Madam Pomfrey’s office, and could hear voices, although he couldn’t hear enough to make out what they were saying. He was thirsty and felt horrible; he could not move without sharp pains shooting throughout his body. He tried to say something, but his throat was so sore and dry that he couldn’t manage to get out anything other than a croak. Resigning himself to being alone, he closed his eyes and began replaying what had happened to him.

He could still feel the bodies pressing into him and could hear the grunts and moans. He opened his eyes and tried to banish the memories but they would not go away. He was trapped with no way out. If he were not so sore, and close to tears, he would laugh at the irony of it all. His father had done this very thing to his most hated professor, and now he had had it done to him. Maybe he deserved it. But he knew he didn’t.

“Madam Pomfrey?” Harry’s voice was barely audible, but almost immediately, his cries were answered as the matron came to his bed and sat down beside him.

“I’m here, dear.” Getting a glass of water, she helped Harry drink a few sips before helping him to lie back down.

Harry turned his head away from the matron as more tears fell down his face. “He was here, wasn’t he? How could you have let him come near me after what he did?”

“Harry, you need your sleep. I promise in the morning you will have a chance to ask whatever you want to, but there is no way I am letting you do anything until you get some rest. Here, take this Dreamless Sleep; it should allow you peaceful sleep.”

Harry knocked the potion out of Poppy’s hand and emphatically shook his head. “I want to talk to Snape, now.”

“Mr Potter, you are in no shape to be carrying on any conversations right now, but if you’ll just wait until the morning--”

“I don’t want to wait. I want to see him, NOW!”

No sooner had Harry gotten those words out, than the door to the room he was in opened allowing both Professor Dumbledore, who was in his dressing gown, and the person Harry was wanting to talk to, entrance.

Harry’s eyes grew wide and he backed up in his bed. “Leave us alone.” There was no need for clarification; both Poppy and Albus knew what Harry meant, and as much as they hated doing so, they reluctantly left the two alone.

“So this is payback for my father then? Do you hate me that much, Snape? Have you gotten over the memories? Will I? Is that why you are like you are? Will it be how I am going to be? Tell me, because I don’t understand. I don’t understand how I can ever be happy again. I haven’t been happy for a while now, ever since Sirius died. Everyone I love leaves me, and I am just tired of losing everything close to me. I just don’t think I can take it anymore. How do you do it? Is it the scowl, or the derogatory comments? Is it the sneer, or the greasy hair? What is it that allows you to go on? Tell me so I can know what to do. I hate you and hope your rot in hell for what you have done. You know, I was right about you at the end of last year -- you really don’t give a damn about anything, do you? You could have saved my godfather’s life, but you didn’t. Was that to pay him back for what he did to you? I hate it that my father and his friends were the way they were; after seeing your Pensieve, I knew they were mean to you, but I never thought...never thought they could...do that to anyone. I am so ashamed and mad. But damn it, Snape, why did you ask Malfoy of all people? Did you want to rub it in my face how filthy I would become? I would have rather you raped me then to have the four of them; Merlin, Snape, they are students...how could you?" Harry began to cry and did not even try to hide it from Snape, who was himself having a difficult time holding his emotions in it seemed.

“I never intended for this to happen, Potter, you have to believe me.”

Harry jerked his head towards the older man. “I don’t have to do anything, Professor.”

“You’re right, Potter, you don’t, but I promise you this was never meant to happen. I am sorrier than I can say about this, but I cannot change the fact that it happened. I want to tell you everything, but that will have to wait, you must get some sleep.”

“Okay, so I’ll sleep then, but tell me this one thing, Snape, how come my father was not expelled from Hogwarts if he raped you? I know my father and his friends were favourites of Professor Dumbledore, but surely even the Headmaster has to admit that rape would be carrying things too far, and would have expelled them. Did you not say anything?”

Severus wasn’t leaving until he gave the boy a satisfactory answer, so he decided he might as well give him one. “Potter, your father and his friends never raped me -- the memory you saw was not the Marauders, but four others who had taken Polyjuice and pretended to be your father and his friends…”

  


#### Chapter Four: Consequences

  
Harry’s face contorted into a grimace as he tried to force himself into a sitting position. After taking a few deep breaths and allowing the pain to subside, he gave his professor a deathly glare.

Severus opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a very upset Madam Pomfrey, who had just reentered the room with a glare similar to Harry’s. “I should have never allowed you back in here. I must insist that you leave, Professor Snape; Mr Potter needs his rest.” Looking around and shaking her head at Harry, she continued, “And that is final, Harry. You must get some sleep, or I will not allow you to leave.”

Severus watched as Harry turned so he was facing away from him and Poppy, and noticed how difficult it was for the weak Gryffindor as the thin and injured arms struggled to slowly pull the covers over his body and get comfortable. Sighing, the former professor left without saying anything further. It hadn’t been his idea to return to the hospital wing in the first place; Dumbledore had roused him from his sleep by his incessant knocking and had made him come see Harry, saying something about the boy being distressed.

He reentered the dungeons and headed towards his chambers. Just as he was about to enter, he felt his left arm beginning to burn, and it was not the ordinary summons; this was meant only for him.

_He could not know what happened, could he_? There was only one way the Dark Lord knew anything. Running as quickly as he could, he practically tore off the entrance to the rooms his former Slytherins were currently occupying.

“Draco?" There was no reply. Severus searched frantically throughout each room, but there was no one. His arm was beginning to throb; the pain was worse than ever, and it could go on for as long as the Dark Lord wanted it to. Severus inwardly cursed, and then turned around suddenly as he heard a noise coming from one of the other rooms. He held his breath as he slowly approached the door to the cupboard where the noise seemed to have come from. Opening it slowly, Severus's gaze traveled to the floor; lying in the foetal position was Draco, and from the look of things, the boy had been beaten. He had blood running down his arms, and his face was battered almost beyond recognition. He was barely conscious, but was making small mewing sounds, as a kitten would. Severus bent down and gathered the bloody body in his arms before making his way back to the hospital wing. After placing Draco on the bed next to Potter’s, Severus went to get Poppy, who was in her office.

Severus watched as Poppy placed a silencing charm around Potter's bed so the boy would not hear anything else going on around him, then watched as the matron began examining Draco.

Severus was now almost doubled over with the intense pain in his arm; he was damned either way. If he did not answer the summons, he would be tortured to death through his mark, and if he did, then he would surely be put through hell for what had happened. Despite what he had told Albus about the Dark Lord still needing him, he knew that was not entirely true.  It didn’t matter that he hadn’t known what Draco and the others had been up to -- all that would matter to the Dark Lord was the fact that because of Severus, the Dark Lord had lost four very important spies, who were now banned from Hogwarts.

Coming out of his musings, he heard Draco beginning to mumble incoherently. Pulling up a chair beside the bed, Severus looked at the pale boy who had turned his head. “What happened, Draco?” Severus could see the silver grey eyes as they looked around, but no words came out of the semiconscious Slytherin’s mouth. “Did they do this to you?” Still nothing. “I must know.”

In a shaky voice, Draco began speaking in a whisper, causing Severus to scoot his chair closer to the bed. “They pulled me out and said there was no way I was leaving them on my own terms. Then they said that they could help me along and finish the job. I deserved it, Professor, but, they went back to him and he must be mad as hell now. I can feel the mark flare up every few minutes; can you feel it?”

Severus nodded. “He definitely knows what happened.” Poppy reentered the room and began pouring phials of liquid down Draco’s throat. “Poppy, is he going to be alright?”

"If he is left alone, he will not be.” The matron looked sadly at the pale figure lying in the bed. “How long have you been doing this, Mr Malfoy?” Receiving a questioning look, she continued, “You know exactly what I am referring to. You had covered the scars well with charms, but I undid them all when examining you. I have no doubt you were beaten tonight, but you also cut yourself, didn’t you? And it wasn’t the first time, I’d say.”

Draco turned so he was not facing either Severus or Poppy. “I want to go to sleep, just leave me alone.”

Severus motioned Poppy to follow him outside and closed the door behind them. “Let me talk to him; he’ll talk to me, but I doubt you’ll be able to get him to say anything. I never knew, Poppy; I thought he was doing fine.”

“Well, Severus, dear, he is most certainly not fine. Very well, I will leave him to you then. I tell you, I just do not know what to do with them now. I am glad Remus will be here tomorrow; Harry will need someone to be with him as I am not allowing him to be left alone. Now I have to decide what to do about Draco. I cannot very well inform his father about everything right now, but I feel as if I am withholding important information and I don’t like to feel that way.”

“This situation with Draco is my fault, and I will take responsibility for him; do not contact his father. Lucius Malfoy will finish what Crabbe, Goyle and Zabini began if he has the opportunity; he would not think twice about killing his son. Draco is no longer any use to the Dark Lord, and Lucius will not be happy at all about that.”

“Then I suggest you do something, Severus, and quick; his father has every right to come in here and take his son out if he so pleases; for that matter, Vernon Dursley could do the same with Harry.” Poppy shuddered and shook her head.

“What would be so terrible about that? I am sure Potter would love to get away from Hogwarts with the excuse that he was convalescing.”

Poppy allowed a slight hmph to escape. “Do you? For being such a gifted spy, your observational skills are seriously lacking, I daresay.”

“And what is that supposed to mean?”

Poppy sighed deeply and shook her head. “It is not my place to say anything, Severus, but, I will tell you that Harry’s life is far removed from the life of luxury which you have labeled him with, so unfairly.”

Both were startled when they heard a scream coming from inside. Entering, Severus saw Draco tossing and turning as his screams increased in volume. He sat down on the bed and began gently shaking Draco, trying to wake him.

The boy opened his eyes and looked at Severus with wide eyes. “No, oh Gods, no, Professor, I raped him—”

Severus looked into his former student’s eyes, and had to fight hard to keep his own tears from falling. This was his fault. Severus tried to get off of the bed, but Draco had a hold of one of his hands and would not let go.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I thought that it was okay, that you knew...I’m sorry.”

Severus turned to Poppy and soon after, she left the room, leaving the two to talk. “Draco, the responsibility lies with me, not you. You did initiate this, yes, and you are being punished severely for it, as you should; however, ultimately, it is I who must take responsibility for all of this.”

Severus winced in pain. The severe burning had ceased for a few minutes, but it was back now, and was worse than ever. “Draco, you and I need to have a serious talk, but not now; I must go to _him_ first. He will kill me if I do not.”

“No, Professor, he will kill you if you do. You would be wise to never go back to him.”

“Yes, well, if I was wise, none of this would have happened in the first place, Draco…I have no choice in the matter; he’ll not kill me, do not worry.”

Draco sat up gingerly and looked into the black eyes of his former professor. “If he doesn’t, my father will, Professor. I have no doubt that Crabbe, Goyle and Zabini have filled everyone in on the happenings of last night and today, and my father will be furious with me. He always did say I would follow you to hell if you went, and I guess he was right. He won’t even think twice about killing you and I won’t let that happen. Father was right about one thing, you are not faithful to the Dark Lord, but to Dumbledore.”

“Whatever would give you that impression, Draco?”

“There is no way in hell that you would have turned the four of us in if you were a true servant of the Dark Lord; I knew when Dumbledore walked in this morning and confronted us that it was you who told, and then it all just fell together and I knew, and, don’t worry, I won’t say anything; I have been the good son and have done my duty thus far, but I am sick of my father dictating my every move, and I want out of it all. I’ve ruined your spying plans; I’m sorry, Professor.”

“No, Draco, it is me who is sorry. I have always hoped you would understand what my true motivations were, and that you would choose not to accept the Dark Lord at his word. I have silently been working to ensure that you would not end up like me. How fitting that I am also the one to undo all of that good in a twenty minute span of time. If you are serious about what you say, then I am glad, and will help in any way I can, and if you are not serious and are trying to entrap me, that is fine too. It would be fitting for my end to be brought about by you.”

Severus glanced over at Potter and noticed the boy moving restlessly in his sleep.

“Professor Snape?”

The pensive looking man returned his gaze to a terrified looking Draco and raised a brow, beckoning the boy to continue.

“Is he going to be okay?”

“I don’t know, Draco, I just don’t know.”

Severus left Draco’s bed and walked over to where Potter lay, motionless and pale. _I am damned to be haunted by Potters until my dying day, aren’t I? Your father was a good for nothing pompous arsehole who reveled in putting down others, and you...you come waltzing in here like the prince everyone thinks you are, immediately winning over everyone with your blasted scar and your mother's eyes. They were all fools, and still are, but, even so, you did not deserve this fate, Potter. _

Severus left the hospital wing without another word and walked to the Apparition point and prepared to Disapparate, but nothing happened. He tried again, and still, nothing. _What the--_

Then he noticed the pain was gone. Looking at his arm, the Dark Mark was still there and it was as black as ever, but the pain that moments earlier had been almost unbearable had completely ceased. Without the pain, Severus knew there was really no sense in trying again to go to the Dark Lord. He had no choice, really; if he wanted to live he would not ever be going back to the bastard. Yes, there was a possibility he could talk himself out of the deep hole he had dug himself, but it wasn’t worth it anymore. Because of that bastard of a snake, he had done so many unspeakable things over the last twenty years, and he had had enough. He would die one day anyway, so if it just happened to be sooner than later, so be it.

~*~

“...that is everything, Albus.” Severus, who had gotten almost no sleep, sat across from the older man and waited for what would come next. He knew a lot depended on the results of what the Headmaster had just seen. If things did not appear as he had said they would, then it was likely Severus was headed to Azkaban. No matter how much the Headmaster would defend him, his actions would get him a one-way ticket to the Dementor’s kiss, one, which he definitely deserved.

“Everything you told me has been confirmed by the Pensieve, Severus. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a meeting I cannot be late for.” With no further words, the door was opened letting Severus know the meeting was over.

~*~

“Harry, it’s Remus. Please look at me.”

Harry pulled the covers over his head. “Go away, Remus, I don’t want to talk about it.”

“No, Harry, I am not leaving. You do not have to talk about it if you don’t want to, but you do need to talk.”

Lowering the covers so he could look at Remus, Harry smiled, but it was not a happy one. “Okay, so let’s talk then, Remus. How are things going with you and Bill? Is he all that you thought he would be? You sure as hell didn’t wait long to go on to your next conquest, did you? Sirius has not been gone for three months and already you have found someone else to keep you warm at night. Well, I hope you’re happy since we all know that is all you care about. Just leave, okay? I’ll be fine; it’s not as if I was rendered helpless, I was just raped by four people, but yeah, you go on and go to your sodding lover. He obviously needs you more than me.”

Harry turned over so his back was facing Remus, but he soon felt the bed sink where the man had obviously sat down beside him.

“You are mad and upset, Harry, and I know you don’t mean what you say to me. You know perfectly well what the situation with Sirius and me was, and you know exactly where Bill and I stand. I miss your godfather so much, Harry.  You’ll never know how much I loved him. Hell, I still love him. There is no way anyone will ever replace him. Bill and I are friends, and I can’t say what will or will not happen between us, because I don’t know. Yes, I do like Bill and would be lying if I said there was nothing there, but Harry, it has only been three months; I could not get into another relationship so soon, but whenever I do, it will be because I am ready, and you know that Sirius would be the first one to say, 'Go on living, Remus'.”

“Yeah, I guess he would. Sorry, Remus, I’m so damned mad right now that I can’t think straight.”

“Let’s talk about it then.”

“What have you been told?” Harry asked.

“Not much, only that you were raped by Malfoy and his friends.”

“Yeah, they raped me, on Snape’s orders no less.”

“So I heard. I am going to have a little chat with him after I leave here. Snape just doesn’t know when to stop, does he?”

“Remus, they raped me because they saw you, Sirius, Peter, and my father raping Snape, in his Pensieve”

“What? We never touched him that way; we wouldn’t have done that, Harry.”

“Snape told me it wasn’t the four of you, whomever it was had taken Polyjuice.”

“Merlin, Harry. You were raped to get back at us, and we didn’t even do anything in the first place.”

Harry looked at Remus sadly and nodded, “Yep, it seems that way.”

“How do you feel?”

“Horrible...I feel dirty, and no matter how many baths or showers I have, I’ll never get the stench of them out of my nose and off of my body. God’s Remus, they not only raped me, but I had to--” Harry couldn’t continue and turned his head.

“Come on, Harry, tell me. You need to talk about it.”

“I had to have an orgasm inside one of them; they made me, told me if I didn’t they would keep raping me until I did.”

“Poppy told me you were messed up pretty badly.”

“Yeah, well, I wouldn’t be surprised if they ripped my scrotum out; they managed to make it so I will never be able to function, that I do know.”

“Harry, it just happened. Give it time to heal, and then maybe things will get better.”

“Maybe, but I’m not holding my breath.”

“Snape will pay, Harry; he may be acting all innocent in this, but believe me, Severus Snape is anything but innocent.”

Harry glanced up at Remus and sadly shook his head. “No he isn’t innocent, is he? He was raped, just as I was. He was born innocent, with an innocent view of things, but he, just as I, learned that some things are never meant to last. I told him I hated him and hoped he went to hell for what he did, but then that is when he told me that it wasn’t my father and the three of you who raped him and I know he was about to say something else, but before he could go any further, Madam Pomfrey made him leave, so we haven’t talked since. I honestly don’t know what to think anymore, Remus. That man has hated me since I stepped foot in Hogwarts not even six years ago, and I, him. I don’t think I’ll ever understand why he loathes me as he does, but I do know that when I looked in his eyes when he told me that it wasn’t my father, that he was truly remorseful about everything. I think I’ll always hate him, but I need to talk to him.”

After standing up and placing a kiss on Harry’s forehead, Remus began walking to the door. “Yes, the two of you do need to talk, although I dare say, we will all be present when that happens.”

“No, Remus, this is between Snape and me, no one else has a right to hear what we talk about. Look, it was me who was raped, me who had to completely submit to four others in every way; it was me who had to somehow get myself worked up enough so that I could have a stupid orgasm inside one of them, so I think if I want to speak to Snape alone, that I should be able to. Hell, he can’t do much more to me than has already been done.”

Remus nodded his head as he left the room.

After Remus left, Harry’s face paled and he began shaking. Seeing Remus had both calmed and upset him. _I shouldn’t be surprised, but_....

Harry’s eyes were drawn to the door as Poppy and Snape entered, supporting someone in between them...Malfoy. “Get him the hell away from me.”

Instead of heeding the words the other patient spoke, the adult wizards placed Draco in the bed next to Harry’s. Harry could tell something was very wrong with his rapist, and he wanted to know what happened.

“So, did someone decide to pay the slimy bastard back for what he did?"

Harry watched as Madam Pomfrey turned towards him with a shocked look on her face. “Mr Potter, While I understand why you are upset and angry, I will not allow anyone to use such fowl language in here. Furthermore--”

Snape interrupted what the matron was about to say. “Mr Potter, it makes me no difference what you think or say about either me or my former student outside of here, however, you will behave yourself while in here. What happened to Mr Malfoy is not any of your business.”

Throwing the covers off of him, Harry jumped off of the bed, intending on getting in Snape’s face. However, as soon as his feet hit the floor, he doubled over in pain and fell to the floor.

Severus picked the almost limp Harry up and placed him back in his bed, where he covered him and felt his head. “He is burning up, Poppy. He seemed stabilized earlier; what has happened to get him all worked up?”

“Remus just left.”

Severus looked back at a very agitated Harry and closed his eyes. He actually felt sorry for the Gryffindor. “You might want to keep him away for a while, Poppy.”

“Severus, Remus has every right to be here and I will not deny him access to Harry. What reason do you have for asking me such a thing, anyway?”

“It’s nothing, Poppy.”

“If it were nothing, you would not have brought it up.”

“I said, it’s nothing, Poppy, now let it be.”

~*~

“Leave him alone....no, stop it...stop it...STOP IT!!!”

Poppy had left the hospital wing to run a few errands, leaving Severus with the two patients. Seeing and hearing Potter writhing in pain, Severus wasn’t sure what to do. The boy was having a dream, and Severus did not know if he should wake him, or not.

“Please don’t....what did he ever do to you? NO, please, no, no...Professor, I can’t --”

Severus made his decision and shook Harry until the Gryffindor had fully awakened. “Potter, it was just a dream...just a dream." Severus watched as silent tears began traveling down the Gryffindor’s face, and he was genuinely moved; the boy certainly had not deserved this fate, but it was one he would carry with him for the remainder of his life.

“It’s not a dream, Snape; you have no idea… he.... then sat.... and nothing...I couldn’t feel anything, Professor…not a dream, a nightmare.”

_Bugger it all._ Making sure the silencing charms were still in place, Severus sat down on Potter’s bed and stilled, waiting for the command to leave, but when it didn’t come, he continued, “Perhaps you should give it more time, Potter; it may not be as bad as you think.” Severus watched as green eyes met his black ones with a look that would kill, if that were possible.

“How in the hell do you know? You don’t even know what I am talking about, but please, do enlighten me as to what you are talking about and as to why you are sitting on my bed as if you actually give a damn about me.”

“I am responsible for you being where you are, and whether you believe it or not, I do give a damn about you.”

“Okay, so why the big change of heart all of a sudden? Where was this caring nature of yours six years ago, eh? Or do you adhere to the, I will give a fuck when I feel like it, otherwise, I daren’t bother?”

“Quite obviously, you and I are unable to have any conversation that will be beneficial at all to either of us, so I will leave.” Severus stood, straightened out the covers and covered Harry more than he already was.

When he was almost to the door, he looked back and saw that Harry had turned away from him and was shaking. Knowing he was not wanted or needed, he left, but was accosted just outside the door by a very angry Poppy, who had just reentered the room.

“What in Merlin’s name is going on, Severus?”

Severus turned on his heels and swept down the corridor away from the glaring matron, and away from those damnable green eyes that would forever haunt him.

  


#### Chapter Five: Necessary Meetings

  
Severus neared the door and tried to hear what was going on inside, but was having no success. _No doubt Albus placed silencing charms around the room. _

Albus had decided that it would be best if Severus was not present when everyone was told what had happened to Harry, despite the former Potion professor’s pleas to the contrary. He knew he was damned to hell already, and he wanted to get this over with. He didn’t want to be protected, He had told the Headmaster as much, but to no avail.

The door opened, showing a very solemn looking Albus. “It is time.”

Severus nodded and tried assuming his mask of indifference before entering. Any other time he would simply ignore everyone as he entered, and take his seat; he was not one for small talk or niceties. But, his glare was nowhere to be found as he prepared to enter the room. Replacing it was a look of surrender and hopelessness. He dared not look anyone in the eyes; this was what he deserved. He had failed once again, and this time, he had destroyed his credibility for good. No one would give him any more chances now. He felt terrible, completely decimated, but no amount of remorse could make up for what he had caused.

The usually emotionless Snape kept telling himself repeatedly that he would get through this day and would face the consequences, whatever they may be. He even tried convincing himself that it didn’t matter to him what everyone thought, and that he wasn’t concerned for Potter’s well being, but it did, and he was.

Raising his head as he stepped foot inside the much too crowded room, he immediately met tear-stained faces and eyes staring at him, pleading with him to tell them this was a horrible nightmare. He wanted to tell them it was, that this was all some evil plot of the Dark Lord’s, which ironically, it did have something to do with that bastard, but not enough for Severus to render himself blameless. He met the eyes of Hermione Granger and Ron Weasley and could see nothing other than hatred in them. Then he spotted Lupin and could sense the rage that the man was feeling. Then he was looking into a set of eyes which held such hurt and such anguish, more so than he had ever seen in anyone’s eyes before. No matter how much he tried, he couldn’t hold back the tears that had been threatening to escape his burning eyes.

Minerva had been the one to defend him in the past; she had pleaded with the others to give him a chance, to let him prove to them his true worth. Yes, they did have a contentious relationship and were both stubborn, but when it came down to it, Minerva had always been someone Severus could count on. Losing her respect would hurt; he had lost the battle which he had so valiantly fought for the last twenty years. Despite all of his attempts to turn himself around, he had ended up where he had begun -- at the bottom.

He knew he needed to say something, but nothing was coming to him except the words he never uttered to anyone. If you did something to someone, unless you were completely insane you meant to do it, so you could not possibly truly be sorry for it, but this was different. Severus had never wanted this to happen, and he would be sorry for the rest of his life.

“I am sorry.” The silky resonating voice was gone, replaced by an emotionally broken one. “I’m so sorry.”

He knew he was meant to remain in the room, but it was too much; he could feel the hatred from everyone, but mostly, he felt it from himself. Turning around, he left the room and returned to his dungeons, where he could be alone.

Severus fell asleep but was awakened hours later by someone yelling at him through the hearth. Forcing himself to stand, he looked over and saw the face of Remus Lupin staring back at him.”

“What do you want, Lupin?”

“How could you be so utterly stupid, Severus? You knew that memory was in your Pensieve, and you knew exactly what Malfoy and the others would go do to Harry. If Harry didn’t need me so much right now, I would kill you and gladly spend the rest of my life in Azkaban. You make me sick, you sodding fool.”

“Oh, just shut it up, Lupin, I am sick of your incessant howling; go talk to someone who cares.”

“You bastard. You deserve to rot in hell, and if I have anything to say about it, you will. You caused Harry to be raped and scarred for life. Oh, and by all means, tell me this, Snape: I want to know why you wanted me to stay away from Harry, eh? Just tell me and I will gladly leave this hellhole of a dungeon you call your home.”

“Believe it or not Lupin, you are only causing that boy more grief; he has suffered enough, just let him be for awhile.” Severus was berating himself; he had possibly opened his mouth one too many times.  He should have known this one was going to get him in trouble. “I just think he needs to be left alone.”

“Does he now?  And you are the expert on that, are you?”

“Look, Lupin, I am only trying to help.  Pot--”

"You shut your sodding mouth, Snape; how dare you try to keep me from seeing him. If anyone knows what is best for him, it is me, not you. Harry is my responsibility, and not yours, and I will decide what is best for him, so you would do well to get your sodding nose out of his life. You made your bed, now go lie in it.”

“Oh, so the Dursleys have given you custody, have they? You are a fool, Lupin.  Who in their right mind would allow werewolf-boy custody of the Boy-Who-Lived?”

Both men turned towards the hearth upon hearing a loud noise and watched helplessly as someone tumbled out of the fire and fell to the floor screaming -- it was Harry.

Severus stood frozen in place, watching as Remus rushed over to the boy who was shouting through his tears, words which were too filled with emotion to be understood.

“Get away from me, Remus. How dare you two treat me like that -- fighting over me as if I was a piece of property -- I am not yours, Remus, you do not own me. And you Snape, you are a fucking bastard. No, you just shut your sodding mouth right now and listen to me for a change. I trusted you. I hated you, yes, and I even wished you ill on occasion, but never, never did I ever even consider for one brief moment to take advantage of any of my strengths to find your weaknesses. You knew you had power over me and you used it. And me...oh I was so stupid. I actually believed your speech about the morality clause and how you were the epitome of morality — you make me sick, you little Death Eater. Yeah, that is morality, Snape. Go to hell, the both of you.” Harry was sitting on the floor, and could not move. “Bugger.”

It was too much for the boy and Severus watched as he collapsed on the floor, shaking with pent-up frustration.

Remus stood up with tears running down his face. “He is in your sodding room, Snape, he doesn’t want me.”

“And, he said he wanted me? Excuse me, Lupin, I think he pretty much just told me to get the hell out of his life.”

“He came to see you, not me, Snape.” And with those words, a visibly distraught Lupin flooed away.

That was true; the boy had come to his rooms, but why? Walking over to the curled up form that was shaking violently, Severus took out his wand and conjured a heavy blanket to place over the trembling Gryffindor. “Potter, you need to go back to the hospital wing. I will take you, or I will go get Poppy; it is your choice.”

Harry shook his head. “No, she doesn’t know I left...can’t find out...won’t let me leave.”

As gently as he could, Severus picked up the light boy and wrapped him up in the blanket before settling the trembling body against his chest. He didn’t want to get Harry in trouble with Poppy, so he had to be careful. _Potter, how in Merlin’s name did you get here in the first place? _

Almost as if in answer to his question, Draco’s head appeared in the fire. “Quick, Professor. Madam Pomfrey is on her way back.”

Severus cradled the boy tightly to him and entered the green flames after Draco had tossed in the Floo powder. He hurriedly entered the private room that Harry and Draco were sharing, and placed the now sleeping Harry in his bed. Not a second later, Draco entered and hurriedly returned to his bed, which was lucky, because Poppy entered only seconds later.

“Professor, what are you doing here?”

“I came to check on Draco, and Mr Potter was having a nightmare.”

“Poor child. He is in for a rough time of it, isn’t he?”

“Most likely, yes. If you are going to be here, I am not needed”, _or wanted_, “so I will take my leave. Good day, Poppy.” Without another word, a very distressed Severus left the hospital wing and walked straight to Albus’s office.”

“Star Crunches.” Severus made his way up the revolving staircase and knocked on the Headmasters door.

“Please come in, Severus.”

“I’ve come to tell you I am going back to him, Albus.”

“Whatever for, Severus? Surely you will be killed, or left to die.”

“It is no less than I deserve, Albus. But I am not going back to receive punishment, I am going back because if it is the last thing I do, I am going to kill that bastard. Albus, Potter just came to my room, and most unfortunately, he overheard a conversation between Lupin and me. He is furious with us both, but as Lupin pointed out, he came to my rooms.  Why would he have come to see me, Albus?”

“Severus, Harry knows what happened and he knows it was not on your orders that he was raped. He may hate you and hold animosity towards you for other reasons, but that is not among them. I told him he needed to talk to you, and I am glad he heeded my words, but I am most distraught to hear that he overheard you and Remus arguing. I tell you, Severus, the two of you are grown men -- one would think that twenty years would be enough time to mend old wounds. You disappoint me.”

“But not your dear Gryffindor, am I correct? He of course had every right to tear into me, but I was supposed to sit there and take it, was I?”

“I did not say that at all, Severus. Remus is as much to blame as you are in this matter. You know, Severus, I have every right to bar you from having any contact with Harry, and you know, if I am asked by Remus to do so, I will. Remus does not have custody of Harry, but he will if he keeps pushing for it, that I have no doubt of. I do know your heart is in the right place and I do know what you are trying to do, but Severus, let me remind you that there is a fine line we must walk, and you have crossed it. You may have gone too far this time, and I will not help you get out of this one. I have helped you, and you have come a long way, but today I think you have done irreversible damage to the relationship between Remus and Harry. How could you, Severus?  You had no right to say anything.  Harry’s feelings are not any of our business and I have no doubt that if he wanted Remus to know about them, then he would tell him.  So I ask again, why?”

“Why do I do anything I do, Albus? I am a lost cause.  Everything I do turns into something horrible. I honestly do not know why you kept me on all these years.”

“Yes, you do, Severus; it is hard for you to understand why, but I have always believed in you, and still do, and certainly hope you do not go back to him. I am not prepared to lose you, but it is your choice.”

“I must, Albus, I have to do it for Harry.”

“What will you do?”

“Go to Malfoy; he’ll take me to the Dark Lord. Then I’ll do whatever I have to do, Albus.”

“Don’t go getting yourself killed, Severus. Harry will definitely take that personally, and Merlin knows the boy doesn’t need anything else happening to upset him further.”

~*~

_“Hello, Severus...how nice to see you again._ _ I thought you had left me.”_

“No, Master, I never left you. I messed up your plans and knew you would be disappointed with me.”

“Ah...yes, Severus, you did disappoint me; you cost me my four best spies at Hogwarts. So, I do have reason to be disappointed in you, have I not?”

“Yes, My Lord.”

“Well, you have come back to me; which bodes well for you; you will not die tonight, however, I cannot let you get away with what you have done, now, can I? I need you to be cognizant and aware so you can resume your potions tomorrow, so I cannot punish you with my usual methods. Hmmm, ah yes...Lucius was saying how lonely he is with Narcissa gone. I think you will help abate his loneliness, Severus. Yes, that is the perfect punishment; you will have to be taught again that you should not ever cross me. Yes, I know what this punishment will do to you, and you deserve it, Severus.”

  
”No, no, no, no, no, no.”

“Harry, come on dear, wake up, please.”

Harry sat up suddenly. “Get the Headmaster, and hurry, please.”

In mere seconds, Albus was standing over a shaking Harry. “What is the matter, Harry?”

Harry looked over at Madam Pomfrey. “Um, can I talk to the Headmaster alone?”

“Certainly, dear.” The matron left, leaving a still visibly upset Harry with Albus.

“Professor Snape went back to him, and I just heard Voldemort tell him that he is punishing him by giving him to Draco's father to alleviate the man’s loneliness. We’ve gotta get him out of there, he can’t stay, he can’t, he can’t, he can’t.”

Albus saw out of the corner of his eye as Draco neared Harry’s bed.

“No, my father won’t touch Severus. I’ll kill him before I allow him to do that.” Draco turned to leave the room, but Albus stopped him.

“Mr Malfoy, you are hardly in any condition to be going anywhere. Please get back in bed; Professor Snape does not need you becoming more injured than you already are on his conscience."

“No offense meant, Headmaster, but you do not know where he is; I do. If I can save Professor Snape, I will.” Without another word, Draco had run out of the room.

Harry felt like following him, but was physically unable to, his tirade in front of Remus and Snape had sapped what little energy he had and he felt completely drained. But he had to try. He threw the covers back and tried sitting up, but was quickly helped back into his previous position by the Headmaster, who after making sure the Gryffindor was comfortable, turned to leave.

“You will not be left alone again, Harry. I almost lost you once and will not go through that again. I am going to ask Remus to stay with you tonight.”

“No, please don’t, Headmaster. I don’t want to see him, you don’t understand. I am so tired of everyone thinking they know what is best for me.”

“You must let Remus help you, Harry. Trust me when I say he truly does love you and only wants the best for you.”

Harry turned away from the Headmaster and shook his head. “Not now, maybe later. Don’t worry, your precious Boy-Who-Lived is not going anywhere — he is too weak to do anything.”

“You have two choices, Harry. Remus can come in here to stay with you, or I call Miss Granger, it is your choice.”

“Can Ron come too?”

“No, only Miss Granger.”

Harry nodded his head. “Hermione, then.”

~*~

Severus was jerked out of his cell and dragged into a large room where he heard laughter erupting. He slowly lifted his head and saw two hateful gray eyes boring through him. Severus spat in the man’s face.

“Oh Severus, now is that anyway to treat your dear old Lucius? I think not. It appears as though I am going to have to put you in your proper place. I do not know why our Master protected you all these years, but for his own reasons, he did. However, you must have made a mess of things because it seems he is now giving me what I have waited so long to have again.”

Severus watched as the tall figure before him laughed and looked at him seductively, and it made him sick to think what was going to happen. But he had to endure this -- he would do whatever it took to get his chance to end this entire nightmare once and for all. There was plenty that he could never change -- the past was the past and would remain as such, but he could protect the future, and to that end, this current trauma would be worth it.

Severus watched as Lucius’s wand pointed at him and forced him to a standing position. He felt himself being led to a large bed, and felt as he was pushed down and turned over.

“Oh my little Slytherin, how I have waited for you all these years. It is quite ironic that in punishing you all those years ago, that I found my perfect little lover. You do so complete me, Severus; you are everything I have always wanted, subservience to me is the most important, but oh Merlin you were so warm and tight.”

Severus felt his clothing disappear and had to hide his head in the covers to keep the sobs from escaping. He had to do this; he had to endure whatever was thrown at him. He had to do this, for Harry. He didn’t care what anyone else thought of him now, only Harry.

Severus felt the man roughly entering him and felt the skin ripping beneath the invading body. He let out a muffled scream, and closed his eyes tightly, trying to think about anything other than what was currently taking place. Suddenly, he felt as if he were moving -- it was an odd sensation. He no longer felt Lucius pushing into him. When the movement stopped, Severus opened his eyes and looked around. He was in a bed, and if he were not mistaken, he was in the hospital wing at Hogwarts.

He let out a groan as he tried sitting up; Lucius may not have had much time, but he sure had taken advantage of what little time he did have. Severus felt as if he were on fire.

He heard movement to his left and turned to see Harry standing over him.

“I saw him, Professor; I saw him hurt you. I couldn’t let him do that to you again. I just couldn’t stand seeing that again. I wanted to help you; I wanted to bring you back here. I knew it was foolish, but I wished with everything I had that you were here and not there. It worked; I don’t know how, but it did.” Harry moved closer to the bed and pulled the covers up over the naked man’s torn and battered body. I’ll go get Madam Pomfrey.”

Severus stilled Harry’s hands as he was pulling away and spoke in a whisper, “Thank you.” They remained standing there in that position for what seemed like minutes, then Harry backed away and hobbled out of the room, but almost immediately, Severus heard a bloodcurdling scream and forced himself out of the bed. He had nothing covering his body, so he grabbed the sheets, but hurried to see what had happened. He found Harry curled up on the floor screaming something about Draco.

  


#### Chapter Six: Living Through the Pain

  
Severus stared helplessly at the boy writhing in pain on the floor in front of him. He knew Potter was experiencing the effects of the Cruciatus, and from the sounds of the boy, it was not the typical episode that the Dark Lord usually used. Sitting beside Harry, Severus began rubbing his back; he could give him a potion to alleviate the after effects, but while the curse was in progress, there was nothing to do but try and calm the Gryffindor as best he could. Looking up when he saw the door opening, Severus watched as the Granger girl entered with Poppy, who immediately went to work trying to help Harry.

“Miss Granger, please go get the Headmaster,” said an extremely frazzled Poppy Pomfrey.

Severus watched as the visibly trembling girl left the room. Retrieving the potions he would need with his wand, he then carried Harry to the bed and sat down before pulling the screaming boy to his chest.

“Breathe, Harry, do not fight it, or it will only be worse.” Severus was worried; the curse had been going on for quite a few minutes, and whoever was on the receiving end of Voldemort’s wand, most assuredly was dead.

Severus watched as Albus reentered the room, and heard sobbing through the open door -- he knew the Granger girl would not leave until she knew what was wrong.

“Albus, Harry somehow transported me here from Malfoy Manor, and then he collapsed, saying something about Draco. I fear Draco is under the Cruciatus, and Harry is suffering the effects.”

The screams and cries from Harry stopped. Severus’s heart skipped a beat, but then he felt the small chest against his move. Taking the phial he had, he helped Harry down its contents before standing up and placing the much too warm body under the covers. Moving the fringe out of the frightened boys eyes, Severus knelt down beside him and spoke softly, "Sleep, child.” Harry closed his eyes and began crying softly. Severus wiped away a few of the tears, then unable to control his own, he stood up and left the room, followed by Albus.

“Severus, you are bleeding.”

“Yes, well, I’ll be fine, Albus; it’s just blood. I must go find Draco." Severus waved his wand over his sheet clad body changing them into his trademark billowing robes.

“Severus. You are a grown man, and as such, you can make your own decisions, but this time, I must insist you do not go. You look like death yourself. Do you honestly think you could survive another round of this so called martyrdom?”

“Draco went to find me, Albus; don’t you understand, it is because of me he went.”

“And, do you not remember that it is because of you that Harry is in there right now on the edge of a mental and emotional breakdown? I do not mean to inflict further wounds, Severus, but after what that child went through, he did not think twice about saving you just now. It was he who brought you back, and as you know, that takes an immense amount of power for the strongest of wizards, which Harry is of course, but at the moment he is operating at about fifty percent, Severus. He could have died just from the exertion he put his body through to rescue you. So, no, you will not leave this room. You owe it to Harry to remain alive.”

“Why would he save me, Albus?”

“Oh Severus, you don’t know Harry at all, do you? When you were at Hogwarts, do you remember how Professor McGonagall treated you? She was hard on you, probably much more than she should have been, but you respected her, didn’t you?”

“More than anyone else.”

“Yes, and Minerva was the one who helped you. Severus, you do not know this, and I am certain that Harry does not realise this, but he had come to expect your treatment of him, and while he did not like it, he did appreciate your lack of special treatment towards him. You have no doubt damaged that respect now, but Severus, it is still there. I think if you let him, he can learn to respect you again. You will never teach here again, but you will have to work with Harry in the Order, and if the two of you can come to some understanding, it would be most beneficial to everyone.”

“You are a doddering old fool, Albus, and I mean no disrespect. You make me sound as if I did some noble deed by treating Harry as I did. Do not try to ease the situation. Draco will die, if he is not already dead, and I will go find him. And I should have known that you would have an ulterior motive for wanting me to allow Harry to see a more human side of me. Do us both a favor and stop your incessant meddling. That boy in there needs my friendship just as Lily and James needed the Dark Lord to kill them. I only want what is going to be beneficial to the boy. If he can ever even look me in the eye again after all the things I have done, then yes, I will help him, Albus -- it is the least I can do, but you will not force the boy to work with me.”

Both men were interrupted by a scream coming form Harry. Entering the room, they watched as Poppy tried waking him. Albus neared the inconsolable boy and tried forcing the wizard to down a phial that Severus had handed him, to no avail. The pale figure continued thrashing about violently. Severus went to the other side and held Harry’s arms to his side and tried calming him.

Feeling eyes boring through him, Severus turned his head and watched as the Granger girl stepped through the door with her wand out, pointing it at him, but he made no move to disengage the young witch, instead deciding to remain calm. “Do put your wand away, Miss Granger. I hardly think killing me in front of Potter would help matters.”  Ignoring his words, the girl took a step closer.

 

“This is your fault, and if Harry dies I will kill you, Snape. I always defended the way you treated everyone, but I was wrong to do so.  Yes, Professor Snape, I, Hermione Granger, was wrong. You are nothing but a washed up Death Eater, and I hope you go to hell for what you have done. Harry has never done anything to you, Snape, so why? Just tell me, why?” After having her say, she fell to the floor by Harry’s bed and sobbed uncontrollably.

Albus helped the young witch up off the floor then led her out of the room. As he was about to close the door, he looked back at Severus. “Do not leave him, Severus or you really will find out what a doddering old fool I am.”

Severus sighed despondently; he was at a loss as to what to do. He had to find Draco, but he knew this was not the time to disobey Albus. The man was as docile as they came most of the time, but Severus knew this was not one of those times. He returned his gaze to Harry and could see the sweat running down the small face, and could hear the pain in the moans that escaped every few seconds. His body had ceased to shake, but he was still crying out.

Then he yelled out at the top of his lungs and began screaming.

“Nononononononononono. No,” Then all sound ceased and Severus watched as Harry’s body went rigid. Poppy began pouring more potions down the Gryffindor's throat; she ignored Severus’s questions.

Several minutes later, Severus heard commotion coming from the corridor and wondered what was happening. The doors to the hospital wing opened, revealing a distraught Remus Lupin carrying Draco -- the boy was bruised and deathly pale. Poppy had him placed in the bed he had only recently left.

After a minute or so of no one speaking, Severus became exasperated. He looked at Remus and glared. “Well, Lupin, are you going to tell us where you found him, and what happened or are you simply going to stand there looking wolfish?”

“I was returning from a talk with Hagrid when I saw him on the grounds just outside of the forbidden forest. He was moaning, but then it stopped.”

Both men watched as Poppy worked on the boy for what seemed like an eternity.

“Enervate.”

All three held their breaths as Draco slowly opened his eyes.

Albus came back into the room shortly after Draco had regained consciousness and visited with the matron before turning to the others. “He doesn’t look to have been physically harmed too badly from what Poppy has said, but there is no doubt, something was done to him.”

Poppy made her way to Draco’s bedside and was relieved to see that he had fallen asleep once again. “When he wakes, we will find out if anything has been done to him. For now, we need to allow them both to rest.”

Harry had started breathing normally and was sleeping, Remus sitting by his side looking sadly at the helpless figure of his dead lover’s godson. “I’ll stay with Harry, Poppy, and will notify you if he wakes…Draco as well.”

Severus let out a sickening laugh. “You? Do you really think anyone will trust you to look out for Draco’s well-being? Oh yes, of course you will want Harry to be fine, and would do anything for him, but I am almost certain you want to do nothing other than kill Mr Malfoy.”

“Do grow up, Severus; despite what you think, I do not wish to see anyone die today. But, if you wish to remain with him, then by all means, do.”

~*~

Harry slowly opened his eyes and began breathing hard. “Get off. Get off. GET OFF!” He watched as a shocked Remus lifted his head from the bed.

“I’m sorry, Harry. I must have fallen asleep. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I didn’t mean to yell at you, Remus. I felt someone breathing on me and I guess it was too much -- I felt trapped -- sorry.” Harry tried sitting up, and with Remus’s help, he propped himself up with a few pillows. “What time is it?”

It is seven, Saturday evening; you slept for quite a while, but we didn’t want to wake you. You needed the rest. And don’t apologize, Harry. It is me who is sorry.”

Harry nodded, looking up with expressionless eyes, which widened in fear. “Malfoy, is he okay?”

“Yes, Harry, he’ll be fine. Snape took him down to his rooms to watch over him there; a few students came in earlier after having an accident and the Headmaster and Madam Pomfrey decided it would be best to keep Draco away from the other students since he has been expelled.” Of course that was not the complete truth, but there was no reason for Remus to tell Harry that Snape didn’t trust him.

Harry turned away from Remus. "At least Malfoy has someone that gives a damn."

"Harry, are you still upset about Bill and me?”

“Don’t want to talk about it.”

“I can’t stand to see you like this. Do you even want me to be here? I feel like I am making things worse for you.”

Harry reached out and grabbed Remus’s hand. “No, don’t leave, Remus, please; don’t you leave me, too.”

Remus took the trembling young man in his arms and hugged him as they rocked back and forth. “Shhh. It’s okay, I am here.”

Harry tightened his grip on the older man and let out more tears. Professor Dumbledore had been right; Remus really did want to help him. “I love you, Remus.” He felt the older man beginning to shake. Harry continued to cry for quite a while, but eventually fell asleep in Remus's arms.

Sometime later, Severus entered the room and found the two sleeping. He removed Harry from Remus’s arms and carried him to the other bed.

“Why did you do that, Snape? He was fine.”

“Lupin, that boy does not need any more reminders of what he wants and can’t have. You know now what I was trying to tell you, do you not?” He watched as a completely sullen looking Remus nodded.

“How long have you known?”

“Perhaps we should continue this outside, Lupin,” whispered Severus. The two men walked through the door into the next room, before Severus turned to Lupin and continued. “I saw a memory in one of our Occlumency lessons. He never said anything of course, and I wasn’t even sure the memory was saying what I thought it was, but then I began noticing how he acted around you, and it seemed consistent. He worships the ground you walk on, Lupin, haven’t you noticed?” Severus could see the emotions flickering across the others face, and knew the man had not been aware of how much Harry looked up to him.

“Lupin, I have violated his trust in so many ways, and I don’t deserve anything other than hatred from any of you, but that boy is going through something so horrible right now that I can’t even explain it. I just couldn’t watch as you made it worse for him. I know you love him and only want the best for him, but right now, what he wants is something that is not possible. At least before, he had something, now he has nothing. Believe me, I am speaking from experience, Lupin.”

“I should leave then.”

”Hypothetically speaking, Lupin, if he were to confess his feelings to you, what would you say to him?”

“That is absolutely none of your business, Snape. But, I do love him, just not that way. For goodness sake, he was Sirius’s godson; I thought of him as a son.”

“You are all he has, Lupin. If you leave, I fear what might happen to him.”

“So, what do I do, Snape? You are the one responsible for me knowing this. You tell me this and expect me to not hurt him, but to remain here? You are asking an awful lot of me, Snape, and of Harry. No, I think he’ll be far better off without me around. I don’t want to hurt him, so it is better I leave. I still despise you, you know, but you can help him more than I could; you have been where he is, after all.”

“If he chooses to allow me to help him, I will, otherwise I will keep my distance.  At least he has Miss Granger and Mr Weasley; they’ll not abandon him.”

“What in Merlin’s name am I to do then, Snape? What are you asking me to do, go to him and confess my undying love to him? I couldn’t do that, even if I did have feelings for him, and you know that.”

“You could, Lupin, and you know it, but you are in love with Weasley. Go to him and be happy. Leave Harry here and let him improve. Just as your hatred towards me is just as strong as ever, so is mine towards you. Seeing you here makes my stomach turn, and I want you out of here, yes, but I did not tell you what I did so that you would leave. I only told you because Harry needs all of the support he can get.”

“I do hope you are being honest about your motives, Severus. This is Harry we are talking about, and maybe I can’t return his feelings of love, but I do love him and will not allow you to hurt him more than you already have. Tell him something came up and I had to leave, but that I will be back soon to see him. And, Snape, if I hear that you have upset him in any way, I will personally finish the job that those Death Eaters began, and that is a promise.” Without any further words, Remus exited the hospital wing, leaving a sullen Severus standing in the doorway to the room Harry was in.

The boy would be upset when he heard that Remus had gone.  Severus knew he would be blamed, and he knew he would deserve it.

~*~ A week later ~*~

Harry had been allowed to return to classes midweek, and now it was Saturday. Hermione and Ron had both been really supportive of him and had given him his space, which he was grateful for. He felt the stares and heard the whispers every time he passed a group of students in the corridors, and wanted nothing more than to hide from everyone, but he wouldn’t. Professor McGonagall had given him permission to do his studies privately in her office for the week, but he politely declined. He knew things would not get any better if he delayed the inevitable.

Unlike prior years when Harry had not applied himself properly in his lessons, he began studying relentlessly, which of course made Hermione quite happy, even though she realised it was out of a need to escape that Harry was studying more and not from a thirst of knowledge.

He hadn’t seen his former Potions professor since that night he had woken up to find that Remus had left Hogwarts. With Remus gone, Harry was lost; he had no one. Hermione and Ron were wonderful friends, but they wouldn’t understand him now, and he didn’t want them to have to try. There was only one other person who could possibly understand what he was feeling.

Looking out the window over the grounds, Harry saw the students laughing and enjoying the nice autumn weather and wished he could join them, but he would only put a damper on everyone else’s good moods, so it was better if he remained inside where he could be alone. Hearing someone climbing through the portrait hole, he turned his head to see a very concerned Ron looking at him.

“Hey, mate, we’re getting a game of Quidditch together, wanna play?”

Harry shook his head and returned his attention to the Potions text in front of him as he heard Ron running up the steps to their dorm room. A few minutes later, he returned with his Clean Sweep. “Are you sure?

“Yeah, Ron, I’m sure.”

About five minutes later, the portrait hole opened again, and Harry figured it would be Ron again. “Look, Ron, I don’t--”

Harry stopped mid-sentence. Draco Malfoy was standing in the doorway with tears running down his face, which was weird in itself, but doubly so since the expelled student was banned from the main part of the school. Whatever the former Slytherin was doing here, it was not good. Harry still did not feel comfortable around Malfoy, but somehow he knew the former Slytherin student would never hurt him again. Draco had apologised, and Harry knew there was nothing to fear now, but the memories were still so vivid; he couldn’t get the image of Malfoy pounding him into the stone floor out of his mind.

“What do you want, Malfoy?”

“The Headmaster asked me to come get you; he needs to talk to you.”

“And why should I believe you, Malfoy?”

“Firecall Dumbledore, Potter, if you must.”

Harry did just that and when the Headmaster's ashen face came into view, the Gryffindor knew something was very wrong. “Um, do you need to see me, Headmaster?”

After receiving a somber looking nod, Harry shot out of the room and ran all the way to the gargoyle, not even waiting for Draco, and completely neglecting to think that he could have simply flooed into the Headmaster’s office, even though students were not allowed to do so. “Butter Toffee.” Running up the moving staircase, Harry banged on the door and it opened almost immediately, letting him into the office.

“Headmaster, what happened?” Harry scanned the room and noticed that Snape was seated immediately across from the Headmaster, and that both Mr and Mrs Weasley were sitting on a couch facing him, both looking far too somber for Harry’s liking.

“Harry, I don’t know how to tell you this…Molly?”

Harry turned to look at the tear-stained face of Mrs Weasley, someone whom he considered a mother figure. “Please, you all are scaring me; what happened?” He looked pleadingly at his best friend’s mother and knelt down in front of her. “Please, tell me.” By this time, Harry had tears trailing down his cheeks. Was it Hermione? Was it Ron? No it couldn’t be Ron -- he had just left Harry a few minutes earlier, but…?

“Harry, dear, Remus is dead.”

Harry remained silent and looked as if he were pondering what to say next, then began speaking in a flat emotionless voice. “Death Eaters killed him if he is dead.” Harry sat on the floor and looked straight ahead, saying nothing for the longest time. “He can’t be dead, though; he said he was coming to see me again. He said he wouldn’t leave me. He can’t be dead. He can’t.”

“Love, I’m so sorry; Arthur and I wanted to be here when you found out.”

Harry stood up and turned to look at Snape. “And why are you here, Snape? Did you kill him? Tell me the truth for once.”

The Headmaster put his hand up, preventing the former Potions professor from speaking. “Professor Snape found Remus’s body as he was gathering some ingredients this morning in the forbidden forest.”

“Is that true, Snape?” Receiving a nod, Harry looked up at the ceiling and began crying while he shook his head. The others watched as the boy who had already been through so much, broke down.

Feeling hands on his shoulders, Harry jerked away from the contact and then sneered at Snape. “Leave. Me. Alone.”

Then he ran to the door and tried opening it without any luck. “Alohamora.” Nothing happened. “Let. Me. Out.” It was Snape who cast the anti-lock charm, and it was Snape who followed Harry as he ran through the castle, not going anywhere, but running away from everything.

Stopping when he came to the end of a long corridor, Harry turned on Snape. “Leave me alone, don’t you think you’ve caused enough grief for awhile? Just leave me alone, okay?”

“No, I shall not leave you alone, Potter. I was against you returning to classes for good reason. I knew you were not ready, but you insisted and of course the Headmaster acquiesced to your wishes. Now this happens. Whether you want to believe me or not, I am worried about you, truly, Harry. I really do care about you.”

Harry turned away, tears streaming down his face. ”Don’t, I’m really not worth it.”

  


#### Chapter Seven: Wishing for Understanding

  
A small figure, whom could be heard crying if anyone was listening, sat perched on the edge of the cliff which overlooked the surrounding lake and grounds of Hogwarts, and wished he could remain sitting there forever. The water was a placid blue and the giant squid was busy bobbing up and down with some other creature from the lake. Watching them, Harry longed for the placidity that the water seemed to hold.

Dangling his bare feet over the edge, Harry wondered what it would be like if he jumped. Knowing his luck, he would survive. Glancing over his shoulder, he looked wistfully at the giant castle that he had considered his home since he had arrived not so many years ago. For most of those years, it had been his respite from his relatives whom had never wanted him in the first place. He had experienced so many things since he had arrived, and he knew most of them had been wonderful.

But no matter how many wonderful things had happened to him in the castle he now looked at sadly, it would never be a place where he would feel welcome or safe, ever again. He wished he never had to return. If he could, he would run and never stop; it hurt too much. So many memories...

Since finding out he was a wizard, Harry had gained so much: friendships, mentors, people who truly cared about him, and most of all, a godfather. Harry missed being able to talk to Sirius. For all of his godfather’s shortcomings, he had always made time for Harry, and had never failed him when he had needed something. That was the thing that was hardest for Harry to accept, because Sirius had tried helping him when he most needed it, but Harry never heeded that help. There was no use for a two-way mirror when the bearer of the gift was dead; now it was too late, he had been too late.

Now Remus was gone as well, and while his death was not as earth-shattering to Harry, it was devastating, nonetheless. Harry had never even properly mourned for Sirius, and now he found himself mourning both men.

He loved them both, and knew they both had loved him, but he had kept a secret, one which unfortunately, Snape had figured out. Harry only hoped the greasy git had never told Remus. That was something Harry did not even want to think about.

Harry had always looked up to Remus and had admired him greatly. The former Marauder had spent an inordinate amount of time with him during third year preparing him for meetings with Dementors, and had shared endless stories about his parents. Sometime during fifth year, while spending time with Remus, Harry had developed a crush on his professor, and the slow realisation had hit him hard.

Harry had kept his feelings well hidden, and no one ever suspected anything. Harry had never thought about being gay; he had gone out with Cho after all, but there was no denying his reactions when he was around Remus, and he knew reactions such as the ones he was having, did not lie. So he had to accept that he was gay, or at least bisexual. No matter what his feelings may have been, it had been easy to keep them secret; he loved his godfather and would not have ever hurt him for the world. When he found out that Remus and Sirius were lovers, he had been genuinely happy for both. His godfather deserved Remus, and vice versa.

What would a handsome man want with a scrawny and hormonal teenager anyway? Harry knew he was ugly with his messy hair, prominent scar, and those big thick glasses of his, and he had resigned himself a long time ago to the fact that he would forever be alone, and he had been right.

_I am alone._

~*~

“Poor Child. I don’t know what to do, Severus. If I thought it would help him, I would send you to Azkaban for what you have done to him, but I fear that would only exacerbate the situation we find ourselves in.”

Severus turned from the window where he had been staring at the figure of his former student whom he had hated with such a passion. “So you have said, Albus. Do what you must; it makes no difference to me where I spend the rest of my life.  It will be hell wherever I end up.”

“Miss Granger and Mr Weasley tell me he is no longer speaking to them, and keeps to himself. He has quit the Quidditch team, has said he isn’t interested in starting the DA again, and has all but given up on everything. All of his professors have come to me, begging me to do something. I wish I knew what to do, Severus.”

“So, tell me, Albus, what do you want _me_ to do? Oh don’t look at me like that; you would not be telling me this, since you know that I am already well aware of how badly my actions have affected him, unless you had something planned. Why is it that you refuse to send me to Azkaban or ban me from Hogwarts? Why do you torture me by keeping me here, seeing him every day looking as if he wants to die? I did that to him, Albus -- I truly hated him. You know how much I despised his father, but I do not believe you knew how much I loathed Harry. I was so sure he was just like James, even after seeing his memories. When I told Draco and the others to do to Potter what his father had done to me, I sincerely meant every word, Albus, but I never wanted him raped, never.” Severus was holding on to the windowsill looking once again at the small figure sitting on the edge of the cliff, and he knew how easy it would be for Harry to simply edge off and fall to his death -- he had been on that same cliff many times, seconds away from ending it all.

“I wish it was that simple, Severus; if I could send you away from here, I would, but I refuse to turn you out only to lose you _again_ to Voldemort. You know as well as I that he is waiting for you to make a move so he can claim you. You can never return to him or you will be killed; I am still finding it hard to believe you survived your last confrontation with him and Lucius -- thank goodness for Harry. I think now the danger for you is not only meetings with the Dark Lord, but also with Lucius. I fear he will not even think twice before killing you whenever he has the chance. Therefore, you will remain here where you are safe.”

Both men were drawn to the hearth where Poppy Pomfrey’s head was bobbing up and down.

“Yes, Poppy?”

“Albus, I think you and Severus should come to the hospital wing immediately. Mr Malfoy is in severe pain and the two of you need to see what is going on; I’ve never witnessed anything such as this before.”

Severus returned his gaze out the window, debating with himself whether he should go talk to Harry before he did anything drastic, or go with Poppy to see Draco. He decided to count on the boy’s Gryffindorish traits; surely, he would not do anything such as jump off the cliff. Not that it lessened his worries, but Severus knew he could not save the boy from himself even though Albus seemed to think he was going to do just that. Leaving the fates in other hands, Severus forced himself to turn away, and follow Poppy and Albus.

Entering the quiet front room of the hospital wing, the two were not prepared for the barrage of sound that met their ears when they stepped into the back room. Draco was screaming, curled up in the foetal position at the foot of his bed.

Severus hurried over to the forlorn looking boy and sat on the bed beside him. “Draco? It’s me, Severus.” Picking up the kicking and screaming former student, Severus placed him underneath the covers. That is when he noticed Draco’s left arm -- it was covered in black and blue bruises, and when he pulled up the sleeve to reveal the boys entire arm, he gasped. Draco’s Dark Mark was only half there, and where the mark had been removed, the skin was raw. Severus looked up at Albus and shook his head. “The Dark Lord is removing the mark from Draco.”

“Why would he do that, Severus? Surely he wants Draco with him and not against him.”

“Oh yes, you can be sure that the bastard wants Draco with him, but the boy’s usefulness has ended. The Dark Lord is a slave driver, Albus, and uses everyone. Draco is not old enough to do anything other than spy, and the bastard has no patience, so what is he to do with Draco in the meantime? Well, it appears as though we know the answer.” Receiving a questioning look from the Headmaster, Severus sat down and looked at both Albus and Poppy.

“Both of you are aware of the special circumstances of Draco being allowed admittance to Hogwarts, are you not?” Receiving two nods, he continued. “As you probably also know, the usual age a person is marked is seventeen. The students can attend select functions and general gatherings but are not permitted admittance until they are seventeen.  As I told everyone on the staff then, the reason Draco was marked was not to be discussed publicly, as he did not know why he had been marked. As the two of you are aware, when Draco was a baby, he developed a very serious case of Wizards Flu, and the healers gave him no chance at all of survival. Narcissa was desperate, as was Lucius. Draco was their only heir.

"Lucius informed the Dark Lord what was happening, and as usual, whenever a problem presented itself, that bastard came through and ended up looking like the saviour. He told Lucius that Draco could be marked and the connection with him would cancel out any maladies.  That was all the two needed to hear. They had their son marked immediately, and just as they had been told, Draco showed no further signs of being sick.

"The Dark Lord must have cast the removal spell last week whenever Draco went back to him. I am quite certain that by the end of this week, the Dark Mark will have completely vanished, and yes, the Wizards Flu will more than likely return, in fact if I am not mistaken, it already has. He is burning up. Poppy, have you given him anything?”

“No, he came in to see me earlier and I could tell something was not right, but I took his vitals and everything seemed fine. I told him to try and get some sleep, and then just a few minutes ago, before I called for the two of you, he woke up screaming.”

Severus looked pensively at the agitated boy writhing around in the bed and turned to the Headmaster. “I don’t think there is anything we can do for him, Albus. When the Dark Mark disappears, it not only takes its powers with it, it takes the body's natural magical abilities, as well. For all we know, Draco could be left without any magic; I am quite certain his abilities are already diminished greatly, and with him being so sick, I do not know if he can fight it off, it is likely he will die.”

“But surely he would not die from just having the Wizards Flu, Severus?”

“I have never witnessed the removal of a Dark Mark on anyone before, so I do not know precisely what will occur, but removing it from Draco is a punishment, therefore I am thinking the consequences will be significant. Even if he lives, for Draco, losing his magical abilities will be far worse than death, I believe.”

~*~

Harry sat on his bed with the curtains drawn; he could hear the others getting ready for bed, and he hoped Ron would not want to talk tonight. It was easy to fend off his friends during the day, but at night, it seemed that Ron always tried engaging him in conversation. Harry usually sat there and listened inattentively as his best friend tried to get him to talk, but tonight he wanted to be left alone, therefore he had entered the dorm room early and after preparing for bed, had closed the curtains.

He knew everyone was worried about him, and it should have made Harry feel better, but it only increased his anxiety. Everyone knew what had happened to him, and while many people gave him sympathetic looks, others gawked at him, or simply ignored him. He felt more isolated than ever, more so than even at his aunt and uncles.

After tossing and turning for what seemed to be hours, the exhausted Gryffindor opened the curtains and found his dressing gown, slippers and Invisibility Cloak, then quietly left the dorm room and made his way to the common room. Curling up on the sofa, Harry immediately fell asleep, dreaming of dark corridors and evil creatures.

  
_“My Lord, the spell should be working by now.”_

“Yes, I believe you are correct. I do so hate losing such a bright prospect, but he is worthless to me now, you know I had no alternative my pet, do you not?”

“Yes, Master, I understand.”

“I thought you would. You are fortunate your son is held in such high esteem by me or else he would have suffered the fate of those other three imbecilic cretins.”

“Yes, you are merciful, Master, and I thank you for it and do not know how I will ever repay you.”

“Ah, my pet, let us not speak of repayment; I will get my compensation, yes, do not worry about that my sweet, sweet Lucius. I do believe you have already made a substantial payment. How fortunate for you to stumble across that werewolf, Lupin. Getting him out of the way brings me one step closer to my destiny. There is nothing blocking my path to Potter now; he will be mine, my pet. It should be easy to lure him into my trap. I hear that he has withdrawn into himself, and that will be how I get him, and you shall help me, Lucius. You will go get your son and take him to Malfoy Manor; you are his father, and as such, no one can object to you removing him from Hogwarts. And of course I need not tell you your other assignment.”

“No, Master, I know what to do.”

“Very good, my sweet Lucius. You are my pet, and as such I will accept no mistakes from you, understood?”

“Yes, My Lord. I do not deserve you, but will do whatever is asked of you to remain in your good graces.”

“Spoken like a true pet. And do you know what happens when pets do not mind their Masters?”

“They are punished.”

“Ah yes, and punishment has the desired effect my sweet. I never have had to punish my pets twice. Here is a small sampling of what will happen to you if you do not please me. Crucio.”

  
Harry began screaming, and was soon surrounded by bleary-eyed students who were startled, not knowing what to do. Hermione held the Invisibility Cloak in her hands, shaking at the site of Harry writhing on the floor, and ran to get Professor McGonagall. Within a minute, the Gryffindor Head of House had Harry and was running with him to the hospital wing. He had stopped screaming and had fallen unconscious.

~*~

Severus was talking to Poppy in her office when the doors burst open. Seeing Minerva, Severus knew something must be wrong with Harry. The two quickly made their way to the other room and saw the pale and limp figure of the boy in Minerva’s arms; he looked dead.

Severus carefully took him from the shaking woman and checked his pulse, which was weak. After laying him in one of the beds, he summoned several potions. “We need to revive him; if he has been under Cruciatus, he needs to take these potions or he will suffer permanent damage to his nervous system.” Receiving a nod, he proceeded.

Severus enervated the boy and watched as the small body began to convulse violently. Then green pain-filled eyes slowly opened, showing a panicked expression on his face. Harry tried speaking but nothing came out of his mouth. Severus watched as Poppy helped the boy swallow a few sips of water before he gave her the potions Harry needed to take.

After downing the several potions, Harry began speaking In a raspy voice. “Draco’s father is going to come get Draco and take him to Malfoy Manor. Voldemort told him to do so, and he mentioned getting me, and that it would be easier now with Lupin--" Harry gasped and brought his hands to his mouth, his facial expression morphing into a frown. “Lucius killed Remus.” Immediately, Harry could sense a change in everyone's faces, but the conversation went on as if Remus hadn't been mentioned.

“Harry, did Voldemort give any indication of when Lucius would do this, and did he say anything else?”

Harry nodded after the Headmaster had finished asking his question. “Crabbe, Goyle, and Zabini were killed. Voldemort told Lucius it was a good thing that Draco was thought so highly of, or else he would have been killed as well. And, no, he didn’t mention when this would happen.”

Severus, with Albus’s help, propped Harry up in the bed and handed him a few other phials he needed to take.

“Thank you, Professor.”

Severus nodded and tuned sullenly towards the Headmaster. “We cannot allow Lucius to take his son out of here.”

“We have no choice, Severus, Lucius is his father, and as such, has a right to his son.”

“What kind of a fucked up world is this, Albus, where a child can be knowingly placed in a dangerous situation?”

“Language, Severus. Regarding Draco and the fairness of the situation with his father, it is what it is. It is not fair, but not much in life is.”

“Well, I refuse to sit back and allow him to be taken, Albus, and of course the only reason Lucius was asked to do such a thing, is so he can have access to Harry. I hardly think he wants his son as his responsibility. No, he is doing this on orders, and when the Dark Lord says jump, Lucius jumps. It is sickening how he has completely surrendered himself to that_ monster_. I am guessing the Dark Lord laughs at Lucius every time he sees him, knowing what a little pet he has to do his bidding for him.”

“I agree with you, Severus, but if Lucius wants Draco, there is nothing we can do.”

Severus looked at Albus and shook his head. “If it was Potter in his place, and Vernon wanted to take him out of Hogwarts, you would be fighting tooth and nail to keep him here, and you know it, Albus. I do not care what the rules say. Remember, I am Severus Snape, spy extraordinaire who has already broken just about every rule there is. I refuse to hand over Draco to that filth.”

“And what do you propose to do in order to prevent that, Severus?”

“Whatever it takes, Albus” Severus turned his attention to Harry, who had begun coughing. Helping him sit up again, he helped the boy take a few sips of water. “Are you feeling okay?”

“Not really, but it is not as bad as it has been in the past. I’ll be okay. Why is Malfoy in here?”

Severus looked up to see both Poppy and the Headmaster vehemently shaking their heads, and he inwardly sighed.  He was so tired of the lying. After gracing the two naysayers with his classic Snape smirk, he retuned his gaze to the green eyes, which were imploring him to tell the truth. “He is very sick; it is a long story, which I will tell you, but not now. You need your rest, Harry. Try to get some sleep, love.”

Harry nodded his head and shut his eyes and then it hit him._..did he just call me love? Snape? _Harry felt like laughing, but settled for smirking. It did not take the now smiling boy long to drift off into a peaceful dreamless sleep.

Severus, Poppy, Minerva and Albus all made their way to the matron’s office, where they sat and had a cup of tea and some biscuits. “I daresay you have become attached to Harry, Severus,” said a smiling Minerva.

“And what ever would give you that idea, Minerva?”

“Come now, Severus, you called the boy love, and coming from you, it was very strange.” Poppy was practically laughing at the horrified look on the Potion Masters face.

Severus hadn’t realised what he had said, and was now mentally berating himself; the others would never let him live this down.

Albus’s twinkling eyes looked at Severus merrily. “Not to worry, Severus, your reputation is safe; I don’t think anyone would believe us if we told them what you had said, anyway. However, you cannot deny what you said. I knew the two of you would be okay. Yes, everything will be fine.”

“Yes, I’ll make it all better for him, correct? It will be as if nothing ever happened to him, correct? He will suddenly trust me, correct? He will forget how I have treated him, correct? Do be sensible for once. Nothing about this situation is ever going to get better. And yes, I have become very attached to Harry. I don’t know why, and I didn’t ask for it. I feel responsible for him in a way I don’t understand.”

“You will, my child, you will.” Severus raised his brows, but the Headmaster simply shook his head. “You will.”

#### Chapter Eight: Accepting Help

  
Harry awoke the next morning feeling no lingering effects of the previous night’s Cruciatus, but feeling anger at what he had found out in his vision; Lucius had killed Remus and now was going to try to get him and Draco from Hogwarts. Turning his head, he saw the blond-headed boy still sleeping, but it did not look like it was a comfortable sleep. Harry could see the sweat glistening on his forehead.

“Madam Pomfrey?” Harry spoke as softly as he could, hoping he would be heard, which he was. “Malfoy doesn’t look so good.”

Harry watched as the matron examined the still sleeping Malfoy and wondered what could be wrong with him. After five minutes had passed with the blond being poked and prodded without waking up, Harry knew it must be something serious. “How can anyone sleep through being poked like that?”

“Mr Malfoy is very ill and has been through a traumatic experience. I do believe Professor Snape told you he would be back to explain everything to you. In fact, he and I have just finished having tea and he will be here shortly to collect you.”

_To collect me_? Harry mentally shook his head. “Is it okay if I use the shower in here?”

“Now, do you really need to ask? Of course you may, dear. I believe Mr Weasley was going to bring your clothes before going to breakfast; I’ll set them just inside the door. Now Harry, dear, remember--”

“I know, you don’t have to remind me to be careful.”

Grabbing his dressing gown, the Gryffindor made his way to the bathroom, washed his face, and brushed his teeth. Looking in the mirror, Harry noticed for the first time how much weight he had lost. His cheeks were hollow, and when he removed his shirt he could see just about every rib. Thankfully, all of his bruising and abrasions had been healed almost immediately, leaving only light shades of discoloured skin. Harry knew he needed to eat more, but he never seemed to be hungry. He carefully lowered his pajama bottoms and winced. He was still extremely sore and knew he would be for quite some time. As he had been reminded -- as if he needed such a thing -- four adult-sized young men had attacked him brutally, and had left him for dead. Harry removed his bottoms and underwear before gingerly stepping into the shower and turning on the water. He braced himself for the pain he was about to experience. No matter the fact that he hated it, this was necessary -- keeping clean was imperative for anyone, but in this situation it was vital that Harry take extra care of his body and make certain that he adequately cleaned himself every morning and night. To further help his body heal, Madam Pomfrey, giving him instructions to apply it every night before going to bed, had given him a salve; luckily he could go without it during the day -- it was sticky and uncomfortable.

The scalding water came cascading down on his body, and as usual, he let out a gasp when the water made contact with his arse. Leaning against the wall, he began carefully cleaning himself, and in merely seconds, there were tears mixing with the shower water; it hurt like hell. There had been a time not long ago, Harry remembered, when this would have been pleasurable.  He had been a healthy young man who had spent many a night in his bed imagining himself wrapped around Remus. His hand had gotten a workout but it had always been worth it. Now, there was nothing remotely pleasurable about touching himself, in fact it made him quite ill just thinking about it.

After he finished and turned off the water, Harry grabbed a towel and dried himself before dressing in the robe that had been left by the door. He then picked up the one other item that had been left for him, his wand, and smirked. _At least my wand was not destroyed._

As Harry was about to open the door, he heard voices and recognised one of them as Malfoy’s -- he and Snape were talking. _Bugger all...I don’t want to talk to Malfoy right now. _Opening the door just enough to hear what was being said, Harry leant against the wall to listen.

“...No, I don’t want to go to St. Mungo’s, please don’t make me go.”

“Draco, there is nothing more Poppy can do for you; you need more specialized care than what you would be able to receive here. I talked to a Mr Mills earlier and he is confident that he can help youm but you must go to St. Mungo’s for the treatment, and before you say anything further, you should be pleased it is only St. Mungo’s. The only other place the treatment is available is in New York.”

“Does it matter what I want, Professor? You’re going to send me regardless.”

“I am responsible for you being in this position and refuse to let you die when there is an available treatment, Draco.”

“What about my father? He will not allow this. Are you sending me away so my father cannot take me out of Hogwarts?”

“No, Draco, St. Mungo’s is the only place you can be cured. But, rest easy. Your father will not be able to remove you from St. Mungo’s. He will have access to you, however. Be careful what you tell him.”

“Whatever.  It doesn’t matter, anyway. I might as well be dead. My father and mother surely won’t want anything to do with me now, and the rest of them will be after me, as well.”

Harry couldn’t see what was going on but heard Madam Pomfrey saying something about Malfoy's Dark Mark, but since she was speaking from the other room, it was difficult for Harry to hear what she was saying, but he heard Malfoy’s response.

“Why is it that I have been asleep for hours yet I remain knackered? It can’t be from just me being ill.”

“Mr Malfoy, when your Dark Mark was removed, it took some of your magic with it. Now I need to take your temperature.” A few seconds later the matron sighed. "This is not good, the sooner we can get you to St. Mungo’s, the better."

“Some of my magic was taken? How much is some? Professor?”

Harry was wanting to open the door so badly, but then the conversation would stop, so he continued listening.

“Draco, there is a possibility that all of your magic was taken when the Dark Mark was removed.”

“No, that is rubbish; it cannot be true.”

“Perhaps not, Draco, but you asked, and that is my answer. We will only be able to ascertain the full extent of your magical abilities when your flu has been treated.”

“So it seems I am going to St. Mungo’s. When will I be going?”

Harry heard Madam Pomfrey answer. “Professor Dumbledore and I will be taking you this afternoon.”

“Why can’t you take me, Professor?”

“I have obligations here, Draco.”

“What obligations could you possibly have? You are no longer employed here.”

Harry’s eyes grew and he covered his mouth, wanting to laugh. He couldn’t wait for the snarky response that Snape was sure to give.

“Mr Malfoy, I may no longer be your Potions professor, but I will remind you _that you _are no longer a student at Hogwarts. I understand you are ill, and I also understand you may not think very much of me now considering what has taken place, but you will treat me with the respect I am due, do I make myself clear?”

Harry could almost hear Malfoy’s mind working..._Yes, and that is just what I was doing. _

“Yes, sir.”

Harry heard the resignation in Malfoy’s voice and actually felt somewhat sorry for him. He knew all to well what it felt like to be on the receiving end of Snape’s venomous words, warranted or not. Beginning to feel weak standing by the door, Harry knew he needed to lie down. Opening the door, he felt himself falling, and blacked out. When he was revived a few minutes later, he was staring into black eyes, which were searching his -- for what, he had no idea. “What happened?”

“You opened the bathroom door and fainted; seeing as how the bathroom is still filled with steam, its no wonder.”

“I don’t feel so good.”

Severus helped Harry back into the bed. “Poppy, he shouldn’t have been left alone.”

Poppy was about to respond, when Harry interrupted, rolling his eyes. “I’m fine, Professor; I just got too hot.”

“Yes, and I can see why. Harry, you cannot continue doing this. Are you trying to kill yourself by scalding yourself to death? Just look at your skin -- it is raw. I expect you’ll remember what I told you last time we had this conversation?”

Harry turned his head away from the man talking to him, and closed his eyes. “I don’t care anymore.  It doesn’t matter; go ahead and do as you deem fit. I obviously am not up to the task of taking care of myself.”

“You could if you wanted to, Harry. I am serious about this; if you cannot do this on your own, you will be moved into another room closer to mine where I can keep an eye on you. For some inane reason, the Headmaster is still under the impression that I will be able to help you.”

“You need not worry about me, professor.” Harry glanced at Malfoy, who was staring at him. “What are you looking at?”

“Nothing.”

Harry wasn’t exactly sure how he should take that, but when he felt a hand on his shoulder, Malfoy was forgotten. Twisting his body to get out of the others grasp, he looked into Severus’s eyes, knowing they reflected his fear and then looked away from the hurt he saw in the black eyes. “Please don’t touch me.”

Severus only nodded. "Mr Potter. If you’re feeling better now, let us continue this in my office." Turning to Draco, Severus tried giving his former student a reassuring look. "I will come see you tomorrow afternoon, Draco. Please do not give them a hard time; they are only trying to help you.” Severus turned on his heel and left the hospital wing without further comment, Harry reluctantly trailing behind.

Once they had entered Snape’ office, Harry sat down and accepted a cup of tea. He hated this; hated that Snape was the only one who he could talk to. He wanted to be anywhere but here, but he was slowly giving up, and he knew it. Like it or not, Snape was all he had now. “What is wrong with Malfoy?”

“Not now. I did promise to tell you and I shall keep that promise, but not now. I brought you down here away from prying ears because you need to talk to me, do you not?”

“I don’t want to, but I guess I need to.”

“Harry, Anything you say to me will not be leaving this room unless you choose for it to. I will not be forcing you to talk, therefore if you would rather not, than do not feel obligated. I am not sure I understand why you are even considering talking to me.”

“I don’t want to talk to you, or anyone else, Professor, but I can feel myself going crazy, so there really is nothing else to be done I guess. You may be the only one who can answer my questions.” _And you are the only one who has offered._

“Very well.  I will be as forthcoming as I possibly can, but you must be honest with me if you expect the same out of me.”

Harry nodded at the sincere looking man sitting across from him, and immediately began talking about the things he needed to get off his chest, probably saying too much at a time, but once he started he found it difficult to stop. “You were right, I was intentionally scalding myself. I just don’t want to feel anymore; it hurts too much.  Everything is so different now. I don’t want to sound like a sullen child, but this all is too much for me to handle, Professor. Will I be like this forever? Will I never feel anything again, will I ever be me, really me, again?”

Severus was sitting at his desk, gathering a stack of parchment to take with him to his chambers. Startled by the very direct question, one that he never would have expected to hear, the former Potions professor stood up and pushed in his chair. “There is no way to know for sure, Harry. I can only speak for myself, and even that can change, or so Poppy says, but I have given up, and well, it really doesn’t matter any longer.” _The needs and wants that I had before are no longer the needs and wants that I have now._ "Only time will tell, Harry.”

Harry was a bit taken aback at the directness with which Snape was talking to him, and wasn’t quite sure if he was comfortable knowing anything intimate about the man. ”I guess it is the same with me -- it really doesn’t matter anymore. Nothing matters now. I wish I could kill Lucius Malfoy with my bare hands. I hate him. What did Remus ever do to him?”

Severus surveyed the young man before him and came to the realisation that he had a responsibility to Harry. He could not speak of his own experiences in such derogatory fashion, or else the Gryffindor would more than likely end up like him -- jaded and unfeeling. “Lucius Malfoy has never needed a reason to do anything. He is a ruthless monster, and you know that. Harry, I truly am sorry for betraying your confidence regarding Lupin. Maybe it wasn't the way that you wanted him to, but I do know that he loved you.”

“Yeah, he loved me, just like my mum, my dad, and Sirius loved me. That kind of love never lasts, so now what am I left with? Not a damned thing, Snape, not a damned thing; not even the small pleasure I could get out of myself is attainable anymore. I didn’t know it would be so hard. I knew I would feel dirty, it’s not that, its everything else.  I can’t stand knowing that I can see the most beautiful girl or the most gorgeous guy, and have zero reaction to them, and probably more than anything, I can’t accept knowing that I laid there and let it happen; maybe I did deserve it. So I really am the freak my uncle and aunt called me.  How fitting that they knew before I did.”

“Harry, you are not a freak, and you most definitely did not deserve to be raped.”

”If not a freak, then tell me, Professor, what am I? When I was born, I was Harry. For fifteen months I was allowed to be just Harry. Then I became The-Boy-Who-Lived, and now I am the-Boy-Who-Lived-Who-Was-Raped. I don’t know who I am anymore; the person who was me, the person who had friends, the person who loved Quidditch, and the person who was happy, is gone and he isn’t coming back. Do you know that this morning when I looked in the mirror and saw myself that I almost didn’t recognise me? I look pathetic, don’t I?”

There was no doubt that Harry did look bad – he was slowly starving himself to death. “No, Harry, you do not look pathetic; you are making yourself sick, however, and I will not allow that to continue.”

Harry looked up and shook his head. He knew the reasons he was here and he knew why Snape felt it was his responsibility to help him, but responsibility and wanting were two completely different things, and Harry knew his former professor did not want to be doing this. “Why do you care all of a sudden? How come the one person who can help me has to be the same person who did whatever they could to demean me for five years? You hated me, Snape. I know...I know...you didn’t know what they were going to do, and you were raped, so of course you have to help me. So now here we are. I should just forget everything and act as if you are the answer to everything, right?”

“Harry, I don’t have any answers. Who knows, maybe this idea was not a good one, and as I said earlier, you may walk out anytime you please, but I could not just leave you to deal with this alone. I have never told anyone this before, but when this happened to me, I tried to kill myself on several different occasions. It is by sheer dumb luck that I never was able to go through with it. I didn't think I had anyone, Harry, and I wasn’t going to let you face this alone.” Severus watched as the somber face of Harry’s nodded in resignation.

“I overheard you talking to Malfoy. Why does he have to go to St. Mungo’s?”

“He has Wizard’s Flu….”

~*~ A Month Later ~*~

“I’m not hungry, okay? Just stop bothering me; if I wanted to eat, I would,” Harry spat out at Hermione.

“That’s just it, Harry, you don’t ever want to eat anymore. Ron and I are so worried about you, we just want to help.”

“You really want to help me? Then please just leave me alone, Hermione. I don’t want to push you and Ron away, but the two of you are smothering me; I need my space. I want--”

“Mr Potter, please come with me, and do not speak until we are safely in the dungeons.”

Harry followed Snape to the dungeons, then exploded. “What were you doing in there? I thought you were not supposed to be anywhere students were.”

“So you do have a knack for retaining information; I had no idea. I was not seen by anyone because I was invisible.”

“So, what was so important that you had to interrupt Hermione and me?”

“Oh was I interrupting? So sorry, I wasn’t aware that the two of you were having a conversation. To me, it seemed more like she was talking and you were listening, or shall I say, acting as if you were listening. I watched the two of you, and don’t think I did not notice that you ate nothing. You would starve yourself to death, Harry, if left alone, so from now on, you will eat every meal with me, and by every, I mean every. I have given you every opportunity to show me that you are capable of doing this on your own, but you most certainly are not capable. You asked me about a month ago if you looked pathetic, and I said no. Well, now you do; you are skin and bones, Potter. What in the hell are you trying to do?”

“Make everything stop hurting. I told you, I just want it all to go away.”

Severus summoned a house-elf and ordered dinner, then the two of them sat down at the table to eat.

“You are not leaving this table until you eat a fourth of that sandwich, and that is hardly enough to nourish you. However, since you have chosen to starve yourself, I will take this slowly, but you must meet me halfway, Harry.”

Harry took a few small bites and took a few sips of his pumpkin juice, and almost immediately threw all of the contents up.

Severus led the sick boy to his bathroom and ran some water in the basin. He watched as Harry knelt by the toilet and saw how ill the boy looked, and watched as the boy began more retching, which went on for what seemed like hours. He slowly lifted Harry’s head, which was now lying on the cool stone floor. Wiping off the pale face, Severus sat on the floor and looked at the boy sadly. “We’ll try again later.”

Harry heard Snape leaving the room, and lifted his head, slowly. _I can’t do this. Maybe he can live with it, but I can’t._

~*~ Two Months later ~*~

Harry was again sitting on the cliff, dangling his bare feet over the edge; it was cold out, far too damp and chilly for him to be clothed as he was, but that mattered little to the morose Gryffindor. The calm waters of the lake had given way to a strong current, and the skies threatened rain. It was eerily reflective of his mood.

He had not improved despite the attempts by Snape and his friends, and in fact, felt more alone and isolated than ever, but it was his own fault and he knew it. Not even the Headmaster came to see him as much anymore. He was slowly pushing Ron and Hermione away, and he knew it was only a matter of time before Snape realised he was a lost cause, leaving him truly alone.

Hearing voices, the small figure turned his head to see Snape and Malfoy walking towards him. _Oh joy, my two favourite people_. Knowing he was not going to be left alone, he sent a sneer to the two approaching.

“Yes, and we are thrilled to see you too, Potter.”

Harry watched as Snape turned on Malfoy and glared at him.

“Mr Malfoy, you would do well to remember what we talked about earlier." Turning slowly back to face Harry, Severus sighed and shook his head. "And what in Merlin’s name are you doing sitting out here attired in those rags, Harry? You’ll catch your death. I must insist you either put on more suitable clothing, or remain inside. You will not freeze yourself to death while I am watching.”

Harry huffily stood up and stalked past the pair, mumbling something about old bats and hibernating. His former respite was now his prison, and he needed an escape, but his being watched by Snape was making it impossible for him to escape the man’s ever present glare. Harry knew that if he was honest with himself, he secretly appreciated what Snape was doing; there was certainly no one else making such an effort to keep him in the land of the living, but he wanted to be alone.

Still huffing, the Gryffindor practically yelled out the password, and almost immediately upon entering the common room, was cornered by Ron, who seemed to be bracing himself for Harry’s usual rebuke.

“Hi Ron. Just going to get on some warmer clothes, then I am going back outside.”

“Are you mental? It is freezing out there, mate.”

“Depends on who you ask.” Harry shoved past his friend and made his way up to the dorm, where he thankfully was able to change in solitude. He felt bad for being so curt to Ron, but he was so tired of having to check in with everyone._ I am sixteen years old, I am not a baby. _Returning to the common room, he saw Ron and Hermione conversing in a corner. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the two.

“Hey you two. I should apologise for my behavior; I would feel horrible if I pushed the two of you away. I know you are only trying to help.”

“Yes, Harry, trying, being the operative word. Why won’t you allow us to help you? At least talk to us, and let us know what is going on. You scared Ron and me to death the other day when we couldn’t find you. We don’t mean to be pushy, but Harry, you need help.”

“Yeah, I know. Snape’s trying, but it isn’t doing any good. He’s trying so hard. I actually feel bad for him.”

“Well, maybe he is helping more than you realise. I have seen a change in you, mate. You are not as distant as you were.”

“Thanks, Ron. I really am trying, it’s just that I need...I don’t know, maybe...never mind.”

“What were you going to say, Harry?”

“Nothing, it was a stupid idea, anyway, Ron.”

“Harry, I doubt it was stupid; now are you going to tell Ron and I or not?”

Harry nervously ran his hand through his hair before looking back at his two best friends. “Um, I was thinking that perhaps I could talk to your mum, Ron. I refuse to go talk to some shrink, and I can tell Snape is not doing me much good. Your mum has always been there for me when I needed someone. I just need someone to talk to. Last year, I could go to Sirius, or Remus, but now I can’t.”

“Harry, you know Mum thinks of you as her son, and I know she can help you. Do you want me to talk to her for you?”

“If you don’t mind.”

“Not at all, Harry. She would flay me and probably you as well if you didn’t talk to her; she is just as concerned as we all are.”

Harry smiled, which felt strange; he hadn’t done so in a long while. “Well, I should go find Snape and tell him I’ll not be freezing anymore today. Oh, by the way, Malfoy is back, although I’m sure no one is supposed to know.”

“We'll not say anything, Harry, but is he okay?”

“From the look of him, I’d say yes, but I didn’t ask. I’m sure I’ll find out more this evening when I go to dinner with Snape.”

“You do look better, Harry.  Please do not scare us like that again.”

“Thanks, Hermione; I’ll try not to. I’ll talk to the two of you later.”

Harry bounced down the stairs and made his way to Snape’s personal chambers where they would eat their supper, together. Snape may not have been helping Harry as much as he needed, but the Potions Master had managed to get him to eat more than a few bites a meal. Whispering the password, Harry entered the large sitting room and inhaled a deep breath, smelling the sweet aromas coming from the kitchen. Having their meals delivered by house-elves would be easier, but Harry needed certain nutrients that were not widely available in the day-to-day meals that the house-elves prepared, thus, Snape prepared their meals himself.

“Professor?” Harry heard Snape saying something which was indiscernible, coming from the kitchen. “Just wanted to let you know I’m here.”

“As am I.”

Harry turned around to see Malfoy standing just inside the door.

  
~*~

  


#### Chapter Nine: Unwanted Sacrifices

  
Severus was in his kitchen preparing dinner. Harry would be arriving shortly, and  he needed to have a serious conversation with the Gryffindor as soon as they finished eating. Christmas holidays were a week away and Albus had informed Severus earlier in the day of the plans that had been made for Harry; ones that would serve to compound the Gryffindor’s already fragile demeanor.

The school had been on edge since Harry had been raped.  Even as Severus had been barred from having contact with the students, he had seen the changes in everyone, and heard the stories. It had been a difficult three months for everyone at the school; it seemed that the students and staff were feeling repercussions of Harry’s attack, and would be for some time. Lessons had been held as usual and the students were behaving normally for the most part, however, the change in the air was palpable. It was no longer a jovial atmosphere in the Great Hall, and the professors were almost maudlin in their behavior towards the students.

Severus had witnessed, both first hand and by observation, that Harry had withdrawn almost completely from everyone, and only listened to one person – him.  Severus watched daily as a morose Harry came to him and sat there listening, but showing little interest in what was being said. Severus remembered from his personal experience how lonely he had been during the time after his attack, and wasn’t sure if he should push Harry to talk or leave him to himself.

Besides Harry, Severus also worried endlessly about Draco. He had been true to his word and had visited the boy on a regular basis. While the former Slytherin’s Wizarding Flu had been dealt with almost immediately, his magical abilities were not as easily restored. He had lost most of his powers, and what remained was unable to be used because of his weakened condition. While he was no longer near death, he most definitely still had something terribly wrong with him.

After a month of healers coming and going, and Mr Mills constantly reassuring him that everything would be fine, albeit with an evasive demeanor, the Potions Master snapped and demanded answers.

  
_“You are keeping something from me and I demand answers. You tell me his flu is gone, but he has not improved. As you have witnessed, Master Malfoy’s father has been more than lenient with you lot, but I would advise you to tell me the truth unless you would like to deal with Lucius Malfoy, himself. I encourage you to be truthful with me for once and tell me what is wrong with Master Malfoy....”_

  
Severus had not stopped there, and was eventually given the answers he had asked for. Unfortunately, everything that Severus heard, Lucius heard as well. Now it was not Draco whom Lucius was upset with, it was Severus, and upset was not quite the word; livid was a much more accurate description of Lucius's countenance. Fortunately, he had been called by the Dark Lord and had been gone for the past two months.

With his father gone, and with constant visits from his former Head of House, Draco had improved somewhat, and some of his magic had returned, but he remained extremely listless, and looked terribly emaciated. Finally, it was decided that St. Mungo’s could do nothing further for him; he was no longer dying so it was decided that the remainder of his healing would need to take place at Hogwarts. This news was not welcome for anyone at Hogwarts; however, it was the only safe place for him.

Severus had gone earlier in the day to make sure Draco was indeed ready to leave St. Mungo’s, and had found a very morose boy sitting on his bed, looking alone and frightened. He had been through quite an ordeal, and rather than returning to a safe haven where he could continue recovering, Draco would be returning to face his demons, and Harry. Severus knew the two would have to talk, and dreaded that eventuality, but knew it was up to him to make sure it happened. Harry was already barely treading water as it was, and Draco’s presence was not going to be changing that anytime soon, unfortunately.

Severus was placing food on the table when his silent alarm went off, notifying him that someone had arrived in his chambers. He was expecting Harry, and thought there was a possibility Draco may be coming by also. He wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to have his two charges come face to face so soon, but it would happen eventually, and at least in this situation, Severus could referee.

They were not actually his charges, and he understood that. However, he had taken it upon himself to get the two through this rough time. He may be a bastard, and everyone may hate him, but he swore to himself he would do whatever it took to make Harry and Draco better again. He also knew that the actual guardians of both Harry and Draco had little love loss for the two. Both needed help, and presented Severus with a vast array of problems, ones which he was determined to fix.

Hearing Harry’s voice, then the alarm going off for a second time, Severus knew Draco must have arrived, necessitating his presence. Weakened or not, Draco was a force to be reckoned with, and Harry could easily destroy the castle if he chose to. He walked out into the sitting room quietly, hoping that the two would behave.

~*~

Harry turned around when he heard someone speaking from the door. Meeting the eyes of Draco Malfoy, the Gryffindor froze. The pale figure standing in the doorway resembled the Draco Malfoy whom had raped him more than three months earlier, not at all. This boy was gaunt and pale, and his hair, which was normally slicked back in place, leaving not a strand loose, was not combed. As the blond breathed, Harry could hear the wheezing in the Slytherin’s chest. This perplexed Harry; he had seen Snape and Malfoy not two hours earlier and he had looked healthy then. More than likely Snape had put a glamour on Malfoy to deflect any questions that would surely be asked of them if his true appearance had been revealed -- that was the only explanation.

Harry knew he was staring but couldn’t help it. Three months had passed, and Malfoy looked worse today than he had the day he had left. “Malfoy.”

“Potter.”

The two continued staring at one another until their silence was broken by Severus. “Dinner is ready; please come and be seated.” Both made their way to the table and sat down, never removing their eyes from one another. After a few minutes of silence, Severus cleared his throat and looked at Harry. “You will not be repeating your antics of today, Mr Potter; I’ll not have you freezing yourself to death.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders dejectedly. “I hardly think you should be worried about me; it is Malfoy who looks like death itself.”

Raising a brow, Severus glanced at Draco. "Draco, would you please give Harry and me a few minutes?" After Draco had left the dining room without a word, Severus returned his attention to Harry, and sighed heavily. "I am most confident that Mr Malfoy will not be joining the ranks of the former living anytime soon, Mr Potter, and your attempts to divert my attention will fail every time. Therefore it would be to your advantage to listen to what I have to say; I do not speak to hear myself. As I was saying, you will dress accordingly when going outdoors or you will not be allowed outside. You are making yourself ill and none of us are willing to sit back and watch you slowly die. You need to understand, Harry, we all care about you and what happens in your life. You matter to each and every one of us. I know it will be difficult for you, and I do wish there were other arrangements that would make you feel more safe and secure, but currently there are none. I assure you, Mr Malfoy is in no condition to give you any grief, not that he would if he could. Unfortunately, Draco was worse off than they had anticipated, and had some complications, but with rest he will recover.  That I am certain of.”

When Draco came back in a few minutes later, Harry watched as the blond looked at Snape with a questioning look, to which the Potions Master shook his head. Harry looked again at the Draco and then at Severus and noticed both of them were looking anywhere but him. They were keeping something from him, he knew that much, but from his past experiences with his Potions Professor, he knew unless the man wanted to tell him, he wouldn’t. He returned his attention to his plate, and then looked up to meet black eyes. “I am not hungry, sir.”

Snape raised a brow. “You must eat, Harry.”

“I said, I am not hungry.”

“Mr Potter, you are still entirely too thin, and you will not leave this table until you eat what I have given you. It is hardly enough to keep a bird alive, surely you can manage the little you have been given. I refuse to watch you starve yourself to death. There are plenty of other ailments that could claim your life, but starving will not be among them, even if I have to force feed you. Do you understand me? You will NOT DIE on me!”

Harry heard a small intake of breath, then watched as a scared-looking Draco grabbed his abdomen as if he were in pain, stood up, and left the room without a word. Harry returned his gaze to his former professor. “He really does look pathetic; what is wrong with him?”

“You don’t want to know, Harry.”

Harry took a sip of his pumpkin juice then frowned at the other man, who was obviously distressed thinking about this. Nodding profusely, he looked pleadingly at Snape. “Why wouldn’t _I _want to know, Professor? It has to do with me, doesn’t it? What did I do to him? What do I have to do with anything?” Harry looked questioningly at the man, who had suddenly shook his head sadly, looking defeated. Harry then turned around as if expecting Draco to reappear. Eyes wide with fear, Harry stood up slowly and walked around the table to stand in front of Snape. “What is it that I don’t want to know, Professor? Please tell me...Please?”

“Harry, Draco-- he was-- he had a--”

Harry was willing the usually eloquently spoken man to continue, to say what he was trying to get out of his mouth. He was begging for a response, but didn’t think he needed to be told anything, not now. Draco had grabbed his abdomen and had looked about to cry. Harry hadn’t even known such a thing could happen, in fact he didn't know how it could be possible, but somehow he knew, it couldn’t be anything else if it had to do with him and Draco. Voice quivering, Harry managed to speak. “Was he-- oh shite Professor, is he pregnant?”

Severus chose to ignore the boy's use of language and shook his head with a blank expression covering his face.

Harry slowly backed away from the table and glanced over at the door, before turning back to his former professor. “He was though, wasn’t he? But, if so, how can that be, I mean we didn't--”

"Again, Mr Potter, you continue to amaze me; too bad you did not apply yourself in my class. Yes, Harry, he was pregnant. It would appear as though both you and Draco's magic is, or was, far greater than we previously thought. Everyone predicted that you would one day rival Merlin with your powers, but I do not think any of us predicted that Draco would ever possess as much magic as he did, which is not to say we thought he would be weak, only that his powers would be normal. As I explained to Draco, you and he conceived when the two of you were engaged in intercourse; no penetration or transfer of bodily fluid was required, only close bodily contact, which would allow both of your magic to combine and create a magical being. Any child of a union such as this would have powers far surpassing those of his parents. Kissing, intercourse, or sharing your blood are the known ways wizards conceive."

Harry was having trouble digesting it all. He and Draco had made a baby, one that was now gone. It was too much for him to take and he felt tears falling down his face. He wanted to scream, but all he could do was stare at the somber looking man before him. “No.” But instead of running, as he wanted to do, to get as far away from everyone as he could, he simply collapsed on the floor and allowed himself to grieve over something he had never had.

The Gryffindor felt himself being lifted, but then everything became hazy. When he woke next, he felt someone sitting on the bed beside him. Never opening his eyes, Harry realised he was still crying, and felt as his tears were wiped away. Then the person stood up and turned to leave, giving Harry the opportunity to see who it had been. When he saw Malfoy opening the door and stepping out of the room, Harry could hardly believe it. “Don’t go.” He watched the thin boy turn around and look at him sadly.

“Professor Snape told me not to bother you.”

“You aren’t bothering me, Malfoy, I asked you not to go.” Harry saw the hurt emanating from Draco. “Is it true, then?”

“I got exactly what I deserved, Potter. The one thing I have always wanted in my life, something that was mine, something that I could love, was taken from me because I took something from you.”

They were not harsh words, but Harry could feel the deep sadness that the boy must be feeling. He could not help the tears from falling now. This was too much. He thought he had gotten through the worst part, had thought that his professor was winning the battle to keep him alive, but now he was finding out how wrong he had been. The nightmare was only beginning, and he knew it. He wiped his eyes and took a deep breath. “You should come sit down; you look like shite.” Harry watched as the former Slytherin slowly approached the bed. “I’m not going to bite, Malfoy.” The gaunt-looking boy sat down gingerly and looked pensively at Harry. “I am sorry, Draco. You didn’t deserve to lose your baby. It was mine too, and I would have loved it, you know. I never had anything I could call my own, either.”

Harry watched the boy’s emotions changing from sadness to anger.

“How could you love it, Potter? How could you love anything created out of such hatred and contempt? We left you to bleed to death.”

Harry nodded and tried to stop the fresh set of tears before they began their trek down his already tear-stained face. “I know. I can still see it, and I can still feel all of you pressing me deeper and deeper into the stone floor. I can hear you laughing at me, and I can feel the pain. I remember the looks in your eyes, and I can still smell the stench in the air. It will never leave me, Malfoy. But no matter how bad it was or how many nightmares I will have for the rest of my life, somehow life was created in that violent act. Maybe I should feel differently, I don't know. I don't know what to think anymore. This is so wrong, all of this. But it wasn’t that baby’s fault, and he or she didn’t deserve to die. I would have loved that baby, no matter what.” And Harry knew that was the truth. If he ever had anything of his own, he would protect it with his life, no matter what it took to do so.

“Me too, Potter.”

~*~

“Harry, please talk to me. What has happened? You seemed to be doing better after we talked earlier; what happened?”

“I can’t talk about it Hermione; maybe later, but not now.” Harry closed his eyes, begging the girl to leave him alone. “I promise, I’ll tell you and Ron later, just give me time, okay?”

“It’s that bastard, Malfoy. Oh I may rot in hell for saying this, but I wish he would have died; it wouldn’t be such a great loss.”

Harry looked at Ron, who was looking shocked at his girlfriend, and wanted to run and hide; he couldn’t deal with this now. “I bet he is thinking the same about me, Hermione; you shouldn’t say things like that.” Harry knew he was only confusing his friends more, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t sure why he would even want to defend his rapist on any level, but that is exactly what he was doing, and it made him uncomfortable.

“Harry James Potter, it is the truth. Look at how everyone is acting now, and you, look at how this has affected you. It is all Malfoy’s fault.”

“I’m not feeling very well. If Neville comes in here, please tell him I’ll talk to him in the morning. I can’t wait for him to get back. I’m going to bed.” Without another word, he left Hermione and Ron, who were both looking at each other quizzically.

~*~

“Harry, please come to my office after Potions.”

“Yes, Headmaster.”

Potions was no longer a hellish nightmare for the Gryffindors. Professor Dugdale was not much different from Snape as far as what he expected from his students.  However, he did not favor Slytherin, and that fact in itself was a welcome relief for everyone, non-Slytherin that is. Harry’s grades had actually improved greatly, but that was from him actually studying in order to avoid his friends.

After class, Harry hurried up to Professor Dumbledore’s office. “You wanted to see me, Headmaster?”

“Yes, Harry. Professor Snape informed me that he had not talked to you about this, and I am afraid I must. I received a letter from your aunt yesterday; she has requested you spend Christmas with them this year.”

Harry knew the expression on his face must have been showing horror. “No, they don’t want me, and I don’t want to go.”

“They are your legal guardians, and as such, I am afraid you have no alternative but to go spend Christmas with them.

“Professor Snape knows how they are; please don’t make me go.”

“I have already spoken to him, Harry. You will be spending Christmas Eve, Christmas, and Boxing Day with them, and then you will return here.”

“Why are you doing this to me, Professor? Can’t you see it? They are planning something for me, I know it.”

“Not to worry, Harry, the wards will keep you safe; you shall not be harmed.”

Harry rolled his eyes and shook his head disdainfully as he glared at the Headmaster. “Oh you are right, of course. I have always been protected from being harmed in the past, haven’t I?”

“Trust me, Harry, you will not be harmed.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders and left the office without another word. Thinking it might not be such a bad thing if he was killed, he allowed a slight grin to appear on his face. It was obvious no one cared enough, so why should he want to live? He was tired of everything: his friends, his classes, his teachers, and most of all, he was tired of losing what little he did have. It was as if someone were punishing him for the bad deeds of others. Harry knew he was not perfect, but he really did try to treat others well. He had never asked for anything he had gotten, and only wanted to be normal. But he was not normal. He was a wizard, he had made Voldemort’s powers disappear and he had faced the bastard four times in various forms since then, had been raped, and had somehow helped conceive a baby, one who had died before it had the chance to live.

Harry found himself in the dungeons. He wanted to be alone, but he didn’t. Actually, he had no idea what he wanted anymore. Maybe it was better to never want anything.  Then there wouldn’t be disappointment when it did not happen. Finding himself at the door to Snape’s chambers, Harry knocked.

The door opened revealing a somber looking Snape. “Come in, Harry.” Harry walked inside the room and saw Draco lying on the sofa. Looking at his former professor, Harry shook his head. “They’ve got something planned for me, you know. They don’t want me anymore than I want to go.”

“I know, Harry. I do not want you to go; however, I am not in a position to prevent this from happening. This is out of our hands.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders as he looked up at the man whom he now realised was the only person he trusted, as odd at that seemed. “That’s okay, just knowing that at least someone cares what happens to me, is enough. They can do whatever they want, I don’t care.”

Harry sat down by the fire and stared at the dancing flames. “Is it okay if I talk to Draco alone?”

“I will be in my lab if you need me.”

When Harry heard the door closing, he turned to the now curious looking Slytherin. “Why did you rape me, Malfoy?” Harry saw the fear that was forming in the others eyes.

“I thought Professor Snape wanted me to.”

“And that is all it took?”

“Yes.”

“But you did hate me.”

“Yes.”

“If he had asked you to befriend me and act like we were best friends, would you have done that as well?”

“Yes.”

“Are you talking to me now, and did you tell me what you did last night because Professor Snape asked you to?”

“No. He is not making me do anything, Potter.”

“So why, Malfoy? Why did you stay with me when I cried myself to sleep after I found out?"

Harry watched as the boy shrugged his shoulders. “I don’t know, Potter. All I know is there is this completely empty feeling in me now that is destroying me. I cannot explain it to you, but I would imagine possibly I am feeling somewhat akin to how you felt when Black was killed.”

Harry let out a derisive laugh. “You did not kill your baby, Malfoy. I killed Sirius because I was too thick headed to heed everyone’s warnings.”

“Professor Snape says there are consequences for everything we do, Potter. Whether we understand that or not, every action has a reaction, some good, and some, not so good. You did not kill Black.  He died because of Bellatrix's actions.”

“We both seem to share an affinity for not so good reactions, Malfoy. May I ask you another question?” Receiving a nod, he continued, “What happened? How did you find out you were pregnant?” Harry watched as the boy seemed to be thinking.

“When I had been there over a month, and after the flu had been taken care of, I continued getting worse. Then one day a group of healers entered and told me they were going to put me to sleep and run some tests. When I woke up, they said I would be fine. I overheard one of the healers saying that the baby was better off, that it would only have brought about misery to everyone, mostly to you, and more than likely it would not have survived anyway. That is how I found out; no one ever told me anything, other than Professor Snape; he confirmed my suspicions.”

“So you didn’t lose the baby? They took it from you?” Harry had a look of terror on his face and his voice had begun to rise. The door opened and Severus hurried in.

“What is wrong, Harry?”

“Draco just told me they took the baby. They killed our baby.”

Severus gave Draco a demonstrative look before sitting beside Harry and looking at him intently, trying to let the Gryffindor know how important what he was about to say was. “I cannot be sure of this, but the only reason Draco was able to become pregnant in the first place was because of your immense magical signature, Harry. Your magic, combined with his, was enough to create life. When the Dark Lord removed Draco’s Dark Mark, most of Draco’s magic was also removed, leaving him greatly weakened. Without the magic, I do not believe Draco could have carried the baby to term. I do not excuse the healers’ actions; their motivations were not to save Draco from harm, their main motivation was to remove an embarrassment from your life, Harry. But as I said, there was little hope that a healthy child would have been born.”

Harry looked up from his position by the fire and nodded his head before standing up. “Did they hurt Draco when they did what they did? Is that why he is so weak?”

Draco sat up slowly and looked at Harry. “The baby was wrapped in my magic, what little of it I had, anyway. When it was taken, I was left weakened, and it will take time to heal.”

~*~

**Chapter Ten: Help Me, Please?**

“_No, no, please stop, it hurts. No. Please stop._”

  
Harry began tossing back and forth restlessly as the dream he was having began distressing him.

  
_“Please come back to me; I can’t face this, and I don’t know what to do. Why did you have to go? I miss you so much. Please come back to me.”_

“Harry, I am here for you, love, always. Just because I can’t talk to you or be with you in person does not mean I can’t help you. Listen to and trust Snape -- he can and will help you. I am sorry I left you without saying a proper goodbye, but I didn’t know it would be the last time I saw you. I love you, never forget that.”

  
Harry sat up, looking around with wide eyes, confused about where he was, but a look around the room told him he was in his bed in Gryffindor Tower; fortunately no one else was awake to see him looking ghostly white. “Remus, come get me, please,” Harry whispered.

This had been the first time since Remus’s death that Harry had dreamt of the man whom he had fallen in love with, and it shook him horribly. “I miss you,” wailed the upset Gryffindor. Harry felt the tears welling up in his eyes, but willed them away. He would not cry again; crying never accomplished anything but making his eyes all puffy and making him feel more miserable than ever when the realisation that his cries continued to go unanswered, hit him.

_He’s gone and isn’t coming back. And even if he were here, it wouldn’t matter. I’m Harry Fucking Potter, why would he ever want to help me?_

Harry quietly climbed out of his four-poster and found his Invisibility Cloak. He was hungry and thought a trip to the kitchens might help to calm him a little.

Fortunately for him, in his opinion anyway, Snape had been busy and had allowed Harry to eat in the Great Hall with his friends. But, that had not been wise, because as usual, when left to his own devices, Harry refused to eat. But now, in the middle of the night, the Gryffindor was starving.  Although he wouldn’t eat much, he knew he had to eat something. He was accustomed to eating, albeit a small amount of food, and without the nourishment, Harry was beginning to feel weak. Exiting his room, he stealthily made his way out of the portrait hole and down to the kitchen, where he saw Dobby.

“Oh hello, Harry Potter. Is Harry Potter hungry? Dobby is happy to fix him anything he asks for.”

“Yeah, Dobby, can you fix me a plate of what we had for dinner?”

“Dobby is happy to help Harry Potter in any way he can.” Within a few seconds, the house-elf was back with a plate piled high with food and a glass of pumpkin juice. “Here is your plate, Harry Potter, sir. Do you need anything else?”

“No, Dobby, thanks. That will be all I am needing.”

“If Harry Potter is needing Dobby, for anything, please say my name and I will be there. Do not forget that; Dobby wants to help his friend.”

Harry smiled at the sad-looking creature before him and nodded. “Okay, thanks, Dobby. I’ll remember.”

Harry ate what he could, which was not much, but he was eating and that was all that mattered. After finishing his pumpkin juice, he left the kitchens, but knew he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep, so he decided to take a walk outside. Once concealed under his Invisibility Cloak, Harry began heading towards the Entrance Hall when he thought he heard a noise behind him.

“Who’s there?”

Harry then heard a rustling sound coming from somewhere in front of him, and gulped as he began walking slowly, petrified of what he was hearing. This was the first time he had been alone while walking through the corridors of the castle since his attack. He had been afraid to be by himself in the castle, and even if he hadn’t been, others refused to leave him alone. Outdoors it was different -- he didn’t fear what could happen to him outside of the castle, but indoors, he was constantly hearing noises, and knew they were meant for him.

Breathing deeply, Harry backed up to the wall nearest him, slid down, and covered his face, all the while hearing the noises as they became louder and louder. “Please, who is it?” Harry lifted his head and let out a scream. Draco was advancing on him and had a sinister look on his face. He neared Harry, who by this time was in the beginning stages of a panic attack. “Get away, No. Please no. Help me. Dobby, help me.”

Harry heard a door opening and looked down the opposite end of the corridor, and saw Draco nearing him with a panicked look on his face. _But, Draco is in front of me._ Thoroughly confused, Harry screamed and once again covered his eyes. Within seconds, he heard running feet coming towards him, but dared not open his eyes.

“Ridikkulus.”

Harry opened his eyes and saw the Boggart as it was destroyed by Snape, and only then did he realise he had never truly been in danger.

“Harry, it was a Boggart. You’re going to be fine.”

Harry felt stupid. He could not go on like this -- jumping at every little thing; something had to happen, or else he would go crazy. He looked up at the concerned Potions master, but once again backed up against the wall when he saw the real Draco nearing. He had talked to the former Slytherin and had been fine with that, but now he was terrified. _What is happening to me_?

“Draco, please return to your rooms.”

“But--”

“No buts, Mr Malfoy, go — NOW!”

Harry could hear and feel the anger radiating through the older man, who was only a foot away from him crouched down on the ground, and could see the confused look in Malfoy’s eyes as he turned to go. Harry opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t get a word out.  All he could do was tremble and then sob as the inevitable tears made their way down his face.

When he finally regained his composure, he looked up at Snape. “I thought he was going to rape me again; he looked so mad at me, like he wanted to kill me. How is it that you heard me?”

Severus sat down and scooted over so he and Harry were sitting next to one another. “I had a talk with Dobby earlier in the week and told him to tell you that if you were ever distressed to call him, and then he would contact me immediately. I am glad you took Dobby’s words seriously.

Harry nodded his head but turned away as he felt more tears rolling down his face.

“Harry, I think it best if you have no further contact with Mr Malfoy. Despite your words and actions of earlier in the week, you quite obviously have not gotten over your extreme fear of him. I talked to Mr Weasley earlier and he informed me that you wanted to speak to his mother. It just so happens that Mrs Weasley will be meeting with Professor Dumbledore tomorrow morning. I must insist that you talk to her afterwards. For now, you will come with me and can sleep in my guest room. It is almost morning and I don’t want anyone asking why you were out at such an early hour.”

“What about lessons in the morning?”

Snape smirked and rolled his eyes. “Are you telling me, Mr Potter, that you are actually concerned about possibly missing a lesson? I assure you, Miss Granger will be more than happy to lend you her notes. I do believe that is what takes place already, am I correct?”

Harry glared at his former professor and sneered. “That boy is gone forever.”

The tired-looking man sighed and nodded. “You’ll be excused from all lessons you have in the morning, Harry.”

Harry nodded as he wiped his face on his robe sleeve. “Professor, will I ever get over my fear of Malfoy?”

“Not likely, but it is possible. You should not expect it to happen, however.”

“I am so sodding tired of being scared of my shadow. I can’t go on like this.” Harry watched as Snape stood up and motioned for him to do the same. As they began walking towards Snape’s chambers, Harry could tell the man was thinking of what he should say next. Harry felt like he was a child whom Snape was having to care for, and that made him mad. He didn’t want Snape doing this out of some sort of obligation he felt.

Harry had long ago gotten over his hatred of Snape, but wasn’t sure what he felt for the man now; he felt sorry for him on one hand, but was still bitter about everything, so he couldn’t feel too badly for the man. He knew he would never understand him, but wanted to, thus he endeavored to try to find out as much as he could about him.

“I am sure that Molly Weasley will help you, Harry. I wasn’t going to mention this to you, but I think I have no choice at this point. If not for her intervening, I would more than likely not be here today. If anyone can help you, it is Molly. When I heard you wanted to speak with her, I was quite relieved. I know you don’t want to talk about what happened, but you must tell her everything, Harry, and I mean everything. If you leave things out, those will be the things that haunt you; I know, believe me, I know.”

Reaching his chambers, Severus whispered the password, then as the door opened, he motioned for Harry to enter and then shut the door behind them. “Follow me and I’ll show you where you can sleep.”

“Yes, sir.” Harry followed Snape and soon found himself inside a nice-sized bedroom with a huge four-poster. It was elegantly furnished, and Harry was awestruck that the man whom he was so confused about had such extravagant tastes.

Severus watched the expressions on the boy’s face, and chuckled. “Is it really that much of a shock that I would have an eye for the finer things in life?”

Harry quickly shook his head. “Oh, no, sir, it just shocked me. I guess I thought everything in your rooms would be black.”

“Just between the two of us, I unequivocally despise the colour black. My life has enough bleakness in it without adding it to my decor.”

“Oh. So, it is all for appearances then, your clothes?”

“Let me ask you a question, Harry. Why is it that you continue wearing those awful clothes of your pig of a cousin when you could easily buy yourself an entire new wardrobe?”

“Why bother? It doesn’t matter what I wear, expensive clothes or rags, people still look at me the same and think the same things.”

Snape nodded but said nothing.

Harry stared at the man for a few seconds, thinking how strange this entire conversation was, before sitting on the large bed, taking off his slippers and crawling under the covers. Looking up at his former professor, who was about to leave, Harry cleared his throat to get the man’s attention. When Snape turned towards him, Harry took a deep breath. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t want to be like you, Professor, but I am already, aren’t I?”

“No, Harry, you are nothing like me, and I pray to Merlin that you never will.”

~*~

Harry stared ahead as the two neared the gargoyle. He didn’t think he could talk about what happened again; it was as if it were happening all over again each time he replayed it for others, and he had completely broken down last time he had talked about everything, only a few days earlier.

It had been when he finally decided to tell Ron and Hermione everything. They of course knew bits and pieces of what had taken place, but until then, Harry had avoided telling them the specifics.

It was the hardest thing Harry had ever done, telling them, but he knew in doing so, it had freed him in a way. Having his two best friends knowing exactly what had taken place somehow lightened his burden. He had distanced himself from them as well as everyone else since it had happened, and had found himself completely isolated from everyone, well almost everyone, and knew something needed to change before he went completely crazy.

No matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t get rid of the constant attention he was receiving from Snape, especially over the past week. It was odd; he felt reassured when talking to the man, as if things would be okay, but then he would remember that it was Snape who had initiated this entire nightmare, and he would berate himself for allowing himself to trust such a person. That was why he had decided to tell Ron and Hermione. He was feeling smothered by the man and needed someone else to confide in, and more importantly, he needed someone else who could talk to him and tell him what they thought. Perhaps no one else cared about him, but Harry knew his two best friends would never abandon him, no matter what.

Surprisingly, it had been Ron, and not Hermione, who asked him questions and seemed the most concerned about his well-being after their talk. He encouraged Harry not to delay talking to his mother, and had given the still much too thin Gryffindor a hug before he left, leaving Harry speechless, with tears running down his face. Hermione hadn’t said anything, but had cried throughout Harry’s explanation of what had happened, and she ran out of the room sobbing whenever he finished, leaving Harry wondering what she was thinking.

Ron had always been protective of Harry, and since the attack, the redhead had kept close to him, but now it was rare to see one without the other, and Harry was not upset about that -- he relished having someone to talk to other than Snape.

Seeing that they had reached the gargoyle, Harry again wiped his face on his sleeve before ascending the stairs leading to the Headmaster’s office. Harry and Snape entered after being asked to do so, and took seats across from the Headmaster, who was not looking very jovial, quite somber in fact.

“Severus, I must speak with you privately; perhaps we can talk in the other room while Harry and Molly talk in here.”

After the two men had gone into the other room, Harry watched as Ron’s mother knelt in front of him. He tried looking away, but gentle hands kept him from doing so.

“Oh Harry, love. What have they done to you?”

Then Harry felt himself being pulled into a hug, and slowly he allowed his defenses to fall. It had never been easy for him to show his emotions in the past, but recently it seemed as though it took nothing for him to fall apart, and while he hated this, he rarely tried to quell the tears. He seemed to know he needed to cry now because he had never really allowed himself to show emotion before Sirius died, and then this happened.

After several minutes had elapsed, Harry lifted his head and wiped his eyes, but his chin continued to quiver as he fought to speak clearly. “I can’t do this, Mrs Weasley, I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared of everything, and I think I’m going crazy.”

Molly led Harry to the sofa and sat down beside him. “You’re not going crazy, love; you were brutally raped and I don’t know that you will ever get over what happened, but I want to help you in any way that I can. As I think you might already know, I have gone through this before…yes, with Severus. Has he told you that?”

Harry nodded as he took a deep breath. “He told me if it was not for you, he would probably not be here today, but he didn’t go into specifics. I think he just wanted me to know that you could help me.”

“Yes, I am sure he did, Harry. This is hard for me, I must admit. I have always had a special place in my heart for Severus, but what he did to you, no matter how unintentional the results, was deplorable; I am more disappointed with him than I could ever convey, and I doubt I can ever forgive him for what he has done to you, love. Having said that, however, I do know he is determined to make sure that you are all right and that you get through this. That, I have no doubt about. Therefore, if he can help you, I will be most appreciative. For my part, I want you to know that you are always welcome at the Burrow, and any time you need to talk, please come to me. I do not pretend to be a counselor; all I can do is be there for you and give you my advice.”

Harry smiled weakly and nodded his head. “You have already helped me, Mrs Weasley. You seem to always know what to say, and I think that you being Ron’s mum helps also. He is about the only person I can trust and feel completely at ease around, besides Professor Snape. Mrs Weasley, I don’t even understand why I trust that man when it was he who initiated everything that happened, especially knowing how he has hated me so much over the years.” Harry watched as his best friend’s mother nodded her head in apparent understanding.

“Harry, dear, I don’t want to make you relive everything that happened that night, but can you tell me what you know of Professor Snape’s involvement?”

Harry told Mrs Weasley everything he knew about what events precipitated his attack, and hearing himself repeating everything, he suddenly began to understand perhaps why he did trust this man. With this understanding, however, came great sadness. His professor may have been truly remorseful about the rape, but he had told his students to go teach him a lesson, and that was something that could not be denied by the man. So his trusting the man was still a point of frustration for Harry. How could he trust someone who had acted so hateful towards him?

“I don’t know Severus’s reasoning for his deplorable treatment of you over the years, so that I cannot comment on, but I think I can understand why you feel the way you do at this point in time, Harry.  As I said, I am no counselor, but I think you understand what truly happened, and know that he would have never wanted what happened to occur. And as I know from you and Ron, that man has not often left your side at all since everything happened. He feels deep regret about what he did, Harry. I am not surprised at all that you trust him as much as you do, and I do not think that trust is being given too easily. You are still having your doubts, and that proves to me you are not certain of his intentions. That is good; one should always be vigilant when dealing with difficult situations.”

“He says I’m not like him, Mrs Weasley, and I never will be, but he’s lying. I saw him as they ripped his clothes off and I watched as he yelled out and screamed as his body was being torn apart. He was so defenseless and small against the four of them. It is the exact same thing that happened to me, and I know I reacted the same way. I begged them to stop, but they wouldn’t, their laughs only increased. Snape is the way he is today because of what happened. It is my fate, as well.”

“If you think it, so it shall be, love.”

Harry gave the woman a perplexed look and raised a brow.

“Harry, your life is what you make of it. We have very little control over certain aspects of our life, but we do control our attitudes and personalities. If you think yourself ugly and dirty and not worthy of love, then that is the Harry that others will see. You will begin to take on the persona you believe yourself to be. We have a choice, love -- we can turn inward and block out the rest of the world to prevent ourselves from getting hurt again, or we can choose to live our lives and allow people to see that we will not let our life be ruled by one horrific incident.”

“But they all know what happened. They’ll always treat me differently now, and I hate that.”

“Yes, dear, you are right; people don’t know how to react to situations like the one you went through and instead of placing themselves in awkward situations, they tend to avoid them by avoiding you. It is sad, but it is a reality. Perhaps this is not good sound advice that a counselor would give you, but it is my opinion that if you want people to treat you as you want them to, you must let them know it is alright to talk to you, and that you will not break down every time you talk to them. I know from Ron that most of the students fear that they will cause you more stress, so they intentionally avoid you. Perhaps you can take the initiative and approach them, letting them know you want them to include you. You are isolating yourself from your year mates, and even though it is not on purpose, you are not making it any easier for them by avoiding them. If you are serious about wanting to be treated normally, then let them know that is what you want. I am not saying to act all cheerful and happy all of the time and act as if this never happened. That is unrealistic, but rape is a scary thing, Harry -- f course it is for you -- but it is also scary for everyone else. They don’t know what to say.”

Harry understood, or he thought he did. “That is why Hermione ran off the other day when I told her and Ron everything? She didn’t know what to say? Ron told me that, but I didn’t believe him. Everyone looks at me as if they want to come talk to me, but in the end, they don’t. I guess I have pushed everyone away then, haven’t I?”

“Not on purpose, dear. Yes, love, Hermione loves you like a brother and when you hurt, she hurts. She may seem stoic, but she is sensitive, and this has really sent her on an emotional rollercoaster, as it has Ron.”

“I’m sorry that this has hurt him, Mrs Weasley; that was never my intention. I just don’t feel worthy of all this attention. Why do people care what happens to me? I know I’m sounding whiny and acting childish, but really, I’m just Harry Potter, the boy who is going to one day hopefully save the wizarding world. Why would anyone care about my emotional well-being? All anyone cares about is that I am physically able to end Voldemort's life. That is the only reason people are so protective of me. If my name was Seamus Finnegan or Neville Longbottom, do you honestly think that I would be getting the treatment I am? I don’t think so.”

“Oh, no love, you are very wrong. Harry.  There are so many people around you who care a great deal about you, just Harry, not the boy-who-lived: me, Arthur, Ron, the twins, Ginny and Bill for starters, and then you have Hermione, Hagrid, and Albus.”

Harry’s eyes welled up when Bill’s name was mentioned. “I need to talk to Bill. I think it is probably my fault that Remus was killed.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Harry, but yes, perhaps you and Bill should talk. I believe it would do the both of you a world of good. I don’t really feel comfortable speaking for him, as I think you should hear what he has to say in person, but I think you should know just how much Bill cares for you. He has been an emotional wreck since you were attacked. Were you aware that he was called in to remove the curses from your body after you were attacked? He returned to the Burrow afterwards and completely fell apart. When we finally found out what happened to you, I felt so bad for him because I knew how worried he was. Then when Remus died a week later, it further decimated his spirit.”

Shaking his head as tears began falling again, Harry cried out, “I was in love with Remus, Mrs Weasley, but he loved Bill, not me. I can’t help it. I tried not to, but I did. I never wanted to hurt Bill.”

“No, Harry, listen to me.  Remus loved both you and Bill; it’s complicated, but Bill knew, he always knew. You were the one who Remus loved above all else after Sirius died and that love did turn into something much deeper, but because of your young age and because of his condition, he refused to let you know how he felt. He and Bill have always been close friends, and it is true that they were getting much closer and I do know Remus loved my son very much, but it was never anywhere near the love he had for you, Harry. I am not even sure Remus fully understood the depth of his feelings for you, but it was evident in the way he looked at you, and when he talked about you. I know he had to be confused. He was a thirty-six year old man in love with a sixteen year old. Most people would frown upon such a relationship. Right or wrong, he thought he was protecting you by not telling you, I guess.”

Harry nodded. “Yeah, probably.”

“Harry, with everything that has happened to you, I have wondered if you should be told about Remus’s true feelings. I didn’t want to hurt you anymore than you are already hurting, but I couldn’t let you continue thinking that you were and are unloved. Had Remus lived, there is no doubt in my mind, that when you came of age, he would have told you how he felt and the two of you would be together.”

“Had he lived, yeah, but he didn’t, did he?” Harry really didn’t want to continue this conversation; it hurt too much.

“I’m sorry for bringing it up love, I didn’t want to upset you, I only want to help and I am making a mess of things.”

“I’m glad that you told me; really, it does make me feel better in a way. It just hurts to talk about Remus, and Bill I guess, as well.”

“Right then, so let’s get back to our discussion. But Harry, seriously, if you ever need to talk about Bill or Remus with me, I am more than happy to listen. Bill is my son and I know how much he truly cares for you, I would even say he loves you. If I can help the two of you, I will.”

Harry gave the now half-smiling woman a slight smile and nodded. “Well, you are the closest thing I have to a mother, so I guess there is no one else who I would rather talk to for advice.” Harry felt himself blushing.

“Well, young man, I should hope not. I would be most upset if you went elsewhere.”

“I wouldn’t dream of it, Mrs Weasley, honestly. It’s not like Professor Snape is exactly the type to go to for advice in that area.”

“No, I suppose not. And speaking of Professor Snape, I should continue my line of thought that we were discussing before about pushing people away and about you trusting him. Are you okay to continue this now or do you want to take a break?”

“I think we better finish this now,” Harry said as he looked longingly at the door. He wanted so badly to leave, but he knew he needed to talk, and he knew Ron’s mum was the one person he trusted above all others, besides Snape.

“I’m proud of you, Harry. It takes courage for you to talk about what happened, and I want you to know how very happy I am you have chosen me to talk to, and I only hope I can help. Okay, now where were we? Oh yes. As I was saying, people do not know how to react in certain situations and tend to avoid them, not because they don’t want to be around the person, but because they do not know how to act around that person. Professor Snape never realised this and closed himself off from the outside world, thinking no one cared about him, and thinking he was worthless and nothing other than a tool.

“I think he knows what a mistake that was and is trying to help you avoid making the same one, Harry. He is scared for you, love. He knows what he has become, and the thought of you following in his footsteps is troubling him greatly. He came and talked to me this morning, and I am not sure who needs more help now, you or him.

“You have a wonderful supportive group of people around you, love, and eventually you will get better, really, you will, Harry. But Severus is alone. I make no excuses for what he has done. He has made grievous choices in his life and has no one to blame but himself for the ultimate decisions he has made, but when all is said and done, he is alone, and in a way he always has been. He never had loving parents, never had a loving godfather, never had the love and support of someone like Remus, and never had friends like Ron and Hermione.

“There is only one person I know of who would do anything for Severus, and that is Minerva McGonagall. Severus was one of her students and the two had a very special bond. Minerva took him under her wing and endeavored to make him feel like he was worthy of love. Severus did open up to Minerva, but once he was raped, everything changed. Severus still respects Minerva, and would probably do anything she asked of him, but he has closed himself off to her almost completely and has not allowed her to reenter his life. He has no one, Harry. I think the world of Albus Dumbledore, but he used that poor defenseless child, and is still using him to this very day, and even though Severus knows exactly what is going on, he allows it because he thinks he deserves it.”

“Maybe he does.”

“You don’t honestly believe that, do you, Harry?”

Harry looked into Mrs Weasley’s sad eyes and shook his head. “No, I guess not.”

“Harry, it’s okay for you to want Professor Snape to help you. You can identify with him, and he, you; let the past go. It will not change and maybe he will not change, but if you think he can help you, let him in. He wants in, but he won’t ask. He is so afraid of hurting you further, but I told him this morning that there is no way he could ever hurt you. That is a pretty powerful thing to say since that is obviously something I can not be sure of, but with Severus, I am sure of it.

“But you can only allow him to help you if you want his help; if you don’t, then tell him. I think right now, for you, the most important thing to do is to work on letting others back into your life. I think you’ll find that everyone only wants to help you and not add to your burdens. I think you are scared to admit that you need Professor Snape to help you, and until you realise that it is okay for him to do so, more harm than good will come from the two of you remaining in contact with one another. Take some time and think about how you really feel. Whether you choose to go to Severus, me, both of us or nether of us, is completely up to you, Harry. I want you to do what you feel comfortable with.”

Harry took in a deep breath. “It looks like I have a lot to think about while I’m gone, but I will, I promise.”

“I love you, Harry, and I hope you’ll never forget that.”

~*~

  


#### Chapter Eleven: A Time For Trust

 (This chapter begins as Snape and Dumbledore are leaving Harry and Molly to talk.)

  
Severus looked behind him as he was closing the door to Albus’s office, and met fear-filled eyes. Harry needed to talk with someone, and Molly, Severus knew, was someone who could help Harry. But Severus was aware of just how fragile the boy was, and had been, and while Molly had been kept informed of Harry’s progress, or lack of, she hadn’t seen him since everything had happened, and Severus knew the woman was going to be shocked by what she saw. Harry had lost a tremendous amount of weight, and for someone as small as he was to begin with, every pound lost was critical. More than the physical changes, however, were the emotional ones. None of the Harry that Molly was accustomed to being around would be present today, and Severus wondered if the woman would be able to hide her sadness and shock; he certainly hoped so.

Severus had been pensive all morning. When he had woken up and checked on Harry, the boy had been asleep, covered in a sheen of sweat, and the covers were strewn around on the floor. Severus had covered him, but when he returned after his shower, Harry had kicked them off and was tossing and turning, apparently having a bad dream. After dressing and ordering them breakfast, Severus had reluctantly woken Harry. He had to go talk to Molly and Albus, and refused to leave without telling Harry first. The sleepy-eyed boy nodded and went back to sleep, causing Severus to chuckle. However, his light mood had not lasted long. He had told Molly what to expect, and had to answer question after question about why they had not gotten help sooner, which had upset him. He had tried getting the boy help, but it was Albus who kept insisting it was he, the person who had caused all of this, who could best help Harry.

Once the two men were seated in Albus’s sitting room, Severus looked up and saw the tension-filled face of Albus, and wondered what had him so upset. The man usually hid his emotions well. “Well, what is so urgent? I need to go talk with Draco, so if you will get this over with, I will be on my way.”

“Lucius requested that Draco be allowed to remain here over the Christmas holiday.”

“And this is urgent because?”

“Do not play that game with me, Severus. You know good and well why this is urgent. Lucius Malfoy has been taunting us all term about how we are powerless to keep his son away from him, and now when he has perfect opportunity to get his son without attracting attention, he is simply going to pass up the opportunity? Surely you can see he is planning something.”

“Oh, Headmaster, I assure you, I am not playing games. Yes, Lucius has plans and you should know exactly what they are.” Severus smirked and laughed aloud at the perplexed look on Albus’s face. “Oh, Albus, please do not tell me you do not see it when it is staring you in the eyes. Lucius is going after Harry. The Dark Lord has this school teeming with spies. They’ve been told to leave me alone; let me see, I think the exact words the bastard used were, ‘Leave that fool of a Slytherin to me; I want to see him squirm as I slowly remove the life force from him.’ So, for the time, I am safe, but Harry’s friends know he is going to his relatives, and I am assuring you, so do ’Voldemort's spies.”

“The wards--”

Severus allowed another evil laugh to escape. “Oh yes…_the wards_. I completely forgot about _the wards_. Oh then by all means, Albus, send the boy then. He’ll be safe, Draco will be safe and all will be right with the world.”

“Severus, what would you have me do? You know very well there is nothing to be done for it; Harry’s guardianship remains with the Dursleys, and until that changes or until Harry is old enough, he must do what the Dursleys want. Moreover, do not for one moment insinuate that I am knowingly sending that child into a violent situation. I have taken every precaution to ensure that he will be safe.”

“Well, Headmaster, excuse me for being concerned, but I do seem to recall you and I having a similar conversation six years ago when Harry was in his first year. Then, it seemed you moved heaven and hell to assure the safety of your boy wonder, but now, you hardly lift a finger when it comes to protecting him. So, my question to you is why? What has changed to alter your attitude regarding him?”

“I assure you, I am just as concerned for Harry’s well-being now as I was when he entered Hogwarts. You are not aware of what is going on, and until you have the facts, I would not point fingers.”

“Then do tell me, Albus. By all means, tell me then what has you in such a dither about all of this.”

“I found out two weeks ago that the Death Eaters have all been told to kill Draco. Voldemort told them to do it whenever and wherever they could. Severus, Draco has no protection out of the school; Harry does. Yes, Lucius knows where Harry is going, that I have no doubt about, and yes he will try to get to him, again, that is not in question, but, Harry will be safe, I promise you, Severus. I need Lucius’s mind occupied by other things so Draco can remain here. He asked me to allow him to leave so he can face his father, even if it results in his death. Fortunately, for us, Lucius sent word that his son was to remain here for the holiday period.”

Severus was livid; this could not be happening. Standing and nearing the older man, Severus nearly shouted, “You did this -- you contacted Harry’s relatives and asked them to take Harry, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU?” Severus watched as the older man sullenly nodded his head. “You sodding bastard. How could you? Merlin, I have always known you were a bit off, but this…this is unbelievable. Do you know, or do you care, that you are sending Harry back to an abusive situation? In case you have forgotten, Albus, Harry was raped and left to die. He is already to the point of giving up, and now you want to send him to the absolute worst place on earth imaginable for him?”

“Vernon and Dudley are out of the country visiting family; Petunia has not been feeling well and cannot leave her home.”

Severus shrugged his shoulders and could feel his face getting hotter by the minute. “Yes, and?”

“Petunia and I had a talk the other day and she assured me if Harry was there, he would be fine. I do believe it was Vernon and Dudley who were violent, not Petunia.”

“She allowed it to happen, and what makes you so sure she was telling you the truth? For all we know, Vernon and Dudley could be hiding out and waiting for Harry to enter the house, then pounce.”

“Severus, I have checked out the story Petunia gave me, and it is all true. Harry will be fine, I assure you. I thought you were looking forward to spending a few leisurely days by yourself, but if you are this concerned about Harry, I won’t be opposed to you accompanying him to his aunt’s house; it is your choice.”

Severus shook his head and pointed his finger at the man whom he wanted nothing more than to strangle now. “This discussion is over, Albus; do what you will with Harry, I don’t care. Just leave me out of it.”

Severus was fuming and slammed the door behind him as he left through the door opposite the one that led to Albus’s personal office, where Harry and Molly were still talking. Storming down the stairs two at a time, Severus left the castle with a flourish. He was furious, and didn’t know what to do. This entire situation was too much. Severus knew it was true that Draco was a dead man if he left Hogwarts, and he also knew Lucius’s attentions needed to be diverted from his son, but to use Harry to accomplish this was not something Severus felt at all comfortable with. He knew what it was like to be used, and had sworn that he would move heaven and earth to make sure that Harry did not end up being used as well.

As he was descending the steps of the castle, he heard someone calling out his name._ Can’t I have a moment’s peace_? Looking up, he watched as Minerva neared him, and prepared himself for the tirade she was sure to subject him to.

“Hello, Severus.”

“Minerva.”

“I have no time today, but you and I do need to talk soon, perhaps tomorrow?”

“Perhaps.” Severus sneered and brushed past the woman and did not stop walking until he was standing on the cliff that he had come to think of as his personal sanctuary. No matter how stressful things became, when he sat on the edge looking out over the lake and vast moors below, he felt a peace he could find nowhere else. He knew it was probably because this was the place where everything could so easily have ended for him on several different occasions. It had been his escape. Now, however, it beckoned him to it for another reason.  It called out to him, allowing him to see how beautiful life could be. He continued to believe everyone would be better off without him around, but if and when that belief caused him to take action, he knew it would not be from here.

~*~

By the time Harry left Dumbledore’s office, it was almost lunchtime and he was starving. Arriving in the Great Hall, not many students had arrived yet, but Harry saw both Neville and Ron motioning for him to sit with them. Feeling better than he had in a long while, he joined the two and the three began talking about the Quidditch match that had taken place the prior weekend. Harry was of course no longer playing, but that didn’t curb his excitement for watching the others play. Professor McGonagall had told him he could have his place back on the team anytime he wanted it, a fact that had greatly upset Snape. The man thought Harry might use his broom to fake an accident and fall to his death, but Minerva had scoffed in his face and told him Harry would never do such a thing. Harry assured both that he had no desire to play Qudiditch anymore. There was almost nothing he had any desire for these days except for alone time. However, after talking to Mrs Weasley, he knew he couldn’t continue pushing everyone away, and talking to Ron and Neville would be a start.

They talked for the next ten minutes until the Great Hall was crowded with students, and then waited for the food to arrive. Hermione came in with a group of others and sat down across from Ron, and looked at Harry worriedly before a tear fell down her face. She abruptly stood up and ran out of the room. Harry stood up to go after his crying friend, but as his eyes met those of Snape, he knew he wasn’t going anywhere. Reluctantly he sat down as he returned Snape’s glare and ate more food than he had eaten since his attack, and he kept it down, both good signs that possibly his talk with Molly had helped.

After lunch was over and after almost everyone else had gone to his or her afternoon lessons, Harry stood up and headed towards Gryffindor Tower. He had to talk to Hermione; her running off every time they saw one another was really affecting him. Climbing through the portrait hole, Harry heard the witch sobbing and saw her curled up body on the sofa. Walking over he sat down and gently shook her. “Hermione?”

He watched as the still sobbing girl lifted her head, “its okay, Hermione; I’m going to be okay, really.” The girl threw herself at Harry and hugged him as she wailed louder than before. _Girls_. “Please talk to me, or at least look at me.” Harry watched as the girl wiped her eyes and took a deep breath. He glanced at the clock and knew he was late for his lesson, but this was much more important.

“I’m so sorry, Harry. I didn’t mean to run out on you the other day when you told Ron and me, but it was just too much for me to handle. I can’t believe what all you had to go through; it made me sick and I just ran. I’m sorry; I’m so sorry.”

“You have nothing to be sorry about. I know it must have been a shock to hear what all I told you.” Harry watched the trembling girl nodding her head. He thought perhaps if Hermione could help him in some way, it would make her feel better; he certainly hoped so. “Hermione, I need your help. I need everyone to treat me like Harry again instead of some poor helpless boy. I need to feel normal again. Will you help me?”

~*~

Harry was beginning to dread his inevitable trip to his aunt and uncles. The Headmaster had told Harry about his aunt not feeling well and about her being the only one at the house, but even that could not quell Harry’s uneasiness; something wasn’t right.

He had tried not thinking about it because he was trying to take Ron’s mum’s advice to heart and slowly insert himself back into his friends lives, but he was on edge. He had a very bad feeling about things, and to make matters worse, Snape hadn’t come to talk to him once since he had talked to Molly. Harry had decided on his own to stop eating with Snape, and at first, the absence of the man constantly checking on him had pleased the Gryffindor, as he wanted to spend less time with the man, but after a few days, he began to feel abandoned. True, he had Ron, and they talked openly about Harry’s feelings, but the one constant in Harry’s life for so long was absent now, and Harry didn’t know how he should feel about that.

Harry found himself once again out on the cliff, dangling his bare feet over the edge. He was brought out of his reverie by a familiar voice.

“I see you follow orders well, Potter.”

Harry looked behind him and watched as Snape neared him. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“You do notice I am attired in clothing suitable for these frigid temperatures, do you not?”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “So you are; what does that have to do with me?”

“I thought your talk with Molly had helped you; perhaps I was wrong.”

Harry glared at the man and stood up, slowly nearing him. “And how would you know how my talk with Ron’s mum went? You sure as hell haven’t asked me how it went, have you?”

Severus furrowed his brows and motioned towards the castle. “I’m asking now.”

Harry glared at the man but followed him inside the warm castle where Severus conjured him a pair of socks and shoes. The two walked in silence as they made their way to Sevurus’s chambers. Once inside, Harry turned on the man.

“Now you want to know how everything went. Now you want to know if I am okay. Now you want to know if I am back to my old self. What the fuck does any of it matter, Snape? I am going back to the Dursleys and I doubt anyone will ever see me again.”

Severus took a deep breath and cursed Albus. “Harry, has the Headmaster told you why you are going?”

“Why I am going? My stupid relatives requested it, so I guess that is why.”

As much as Severus wanted to enlighten Harry as to exactly why he was being sent to his relatives, he couldn’t; Harry was already being used by so many people, and Severus did not want the boy believing that all he was was something to be used. “Harry, I promise you, I will not let anything happen to you while you are at your aunt and uncle’s.”

“And how can you do that, Snape?”

“I can’t tell you, Harry, but I do not make promises lightly, so be assured what I say is the truth. You will not be harmed. Now, will you please tell me how your talk with Molly went?”

Harry didn’t believe for one minute that he would be safe, but he pushed those feelings out of his mind for now and thought about what he should say for a few minutes before he sat down on the floor by the fire, warming his hands. “It went okay, I guess.”

Severus sat down beside the morose looking boy and cleared his throat. “What is bothering you? I did see a change in you after you and Molly spoke and thought perhaps it had helped you, but from where I am sitting, you seem just as you were before the two of you talked.”

Harry slowly turned his head and shook his head vociferously. “You’re wrong; she helped me, really. And I do feel better. I have talked to Ron and Hermione, as well as Neville, and they seem to be treating me as one of them again. The only one still treating me as if I am a walking time bomb is you. You don’t leave me alone for three months when all I ask is privacy, and then when I finally want to be around people, you keep your distance. So, I am guessing your job is over, so now you can leave. You’ve done your duty.”

“If that is what you want, then yes, I’ll leave and not interfere any longer.”

Harry looked up sadly at the worried look on Snape’s face and nodded. “I’m truly grateful for all of your help, Snape, and I don’t want you to think that I hate you; I don’t. I just need to separate myself from this completely, and put it all behind me, and you are part of that. Maybe things can change in the future, I don’t know. But what I do know is you are tearing me apart, little by little. I can’t stand to be around you, but then when you are gone, I find myself needing you. You are the only person who has had my best interests at heart, I do know that, and I appreciate it. But I have to do this by myself.  Please try to understand.”

“You don’t have to do this alone, Harry. I’ll leave you alone, but please don’t push your other friends away.”

“I won’t.”

Harry stood and slowly made his way to the door. Turning around, he thought he saw a tear about to fall from Snape’s eye, but he turned and left before he could see if it had fallen or not. Shutting the door behind him, Harry slid down the wall and cried harder than he had ever in his life, and he didn’t understand why.

~*~

A couple of hours later Snape tore through the corridors with his robes billowing behind him, white as a ghost. He had fallen asleep and woken up after having a nightmare, one of the ones where he was being mercilessly raped and beaten by his fellow Slytherins. He approached Minerva’s closed office and could see light from beneath the door. “Minerva, let me in; I need to talk to you.”

Within seconds, Severus was beckoned in and directed to a chair. He looked into the eyes of his former mentor and almost broke down in front of her. Instead, he took a breath and looked seriously at the shocked look on the woman’s face. “Don’t let Harry do what I did, Minerva. Promise me that you’ll make sure he is okay.”

“Severus, Harry is getting better already; can’t you see the changes in him? I know he has a long road ahead, but he is going to get better.”

“He can’t stand me being around him anymore and asked me to leave him alone.”

“Now Severus, I hardly think he said it in that way. Wasn’t it you who kept your distance from him? What was he to think? He needed you then more than ever and you left him alone.”

Severus either ignored the last comment or did not hear it. “I just had a nightmare, Minerva. I haven’t had one that vivid in a very long time. I had forgotten how scared I was and how cruel they were. It is Harry -- I can’t stand to think he is going to experience the same nightmare I have.”

“Severus, Harry is talking about what happened; you on the other hand, never did. Molly somehow was able to get you to open up to her and that helped, but you cut me off completely and never let me in again. I was so hurt, Severus. I didn’t know what I had done, or what had happened to cause you to shut yourself off. I didn’t know until this happened with Harry. I’m sorry that you felt you couldn’t confide in me.”

Severus walked over to the window and looked down over the lake, watching the students playing in the snow. “You do remember me telling you how bad my childhood was, do you not?” Seeing the woman nodding slightly out of the corner of his eye, Severus continued. “I would have rather suffered at the hands of my parents every day for the rest of my life than have Lucius and his friends rape me. Merlin, Minerva, they destroyed what little there was left of me that night. I trusted Lucius, laughable I know, but I did. He had been so popular and I had looked in awe at him when I was a first year. Everyone flocked to him just as they did to James. No one told me to stay away from him, or that he was only trying to lure me to his side. I believed every word he told me. I was after all lowly Severus Snape and relished any attention anyone could give me, no matter how little. How was I to know he was setting me up? No one told me not to believe him, not even you. Why, Minerva? You knew how he was.”

The woman neared Severus and took his hands in hers. “I give you my word, Severus; I truly had no idea about Lucius’s intentions. We all watched him closely, but you were the last person I thought he would befriend, and after he left Hogwarts, I gave him little thought. I apologise for my not seeing his true intentions. But now you are here and I am here. Please talk to me, Severus. You have to let someone help you. You are so intent on helping Harry, but if you keep on like this, you aren’t going to be around to help him.”

“Seeing him brings it all back, Minerva: the fears, the pain, the shame I felt, the loathing, all of it, and I caused it for him, all of it. I have done many horrific deeds over the years, but what I did to Harry is by far the worst, and I don’t know if I can live with what I did. It hurts too much. I just don’t want to deal with it anymore, and now he wants me to leave him alone. What will happen to him? He said he didn’t want to be like me, and I told him he was nothing like me, but will that continue to be true? If he keeps to himself, he’ll end up exactly like me.”

“Look at me, Severus -- we will _all_ help Harry get through this, and if you go off and do something as abhorrent as ending your own life, you better make damned sure it works, because I will personally hex you until you cannot breathe, do you hear me? Harry needs you whether he knows it or not, and if he sees the one person he can halfway identify with giving up, what in Merlin’s name do you think that is saying to him? Severus, I cannot force you to tell me what happened to you, and I cannot force you to live. I care for you as if you were my own son and it tears me apart seeing you so lost. I am beginning to think you need Harry as much as he needs you. I think the both of you can help each other. No, he doesn’t realise that yet, and it may take a while, and then again it may never happen. But I do think the two of you can help each other.”

~*~

Severus watched from the Headmaster’s office as Harry left with Minerva to go to his relatives; the other students had left a few days earlier. He watched as a frightened looking boy looked back at the castle before running to catch up with his Head of House, and wanted nothing more than to assure the Gryffindor everything would be all right, but he couldn’t. He did think that perhaps things would be fine however -- he would not break his promise to Harry.

~*~

Harry and Minerva Apparated to King’s Cross and said their goodbyes because Harry wanted to arrive at his aunt’s alone. Waiting by the curb for the taxi that had been requested, he spotted a familiar face nearing him, and nearly gasped when he realised that it was Bill. He had not spoken to Ron’s oldest brother since last year when he had first found out that he and Remus were getting closer.

“Hi Bill.”

“Harry. You look well; how are you feeling?”

“Okay, I guess. Um, they told me you were the one who removed the curses after...you know...um, thanks.”

“No thanks needed. I wish I could get my hands on that Malfoy; he is a good for nothing bastard, exactly like his father.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders and looked away wishing the taxi would suddenly appear. Then he felt a hand on his face and felt as it was turned to meet intense blue eyes. “I was so scared, Harry. I thought you were going to die.”

Harry pulled away from the touch and shook his head. “But I didn’t, did I? Remus did, and it is all my fault.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault at all, love, and I will not allow you to blame yourself.”

Harry turned on his once friend. “Why in the hell do you call me love? You don’t love me, and I sure as hell don’t love you. I loved Remus, and now he is gone, all because of me. I fucking killed the one person who loved me, and now I’m all alone, so just do us both a favor and leave me the hell alone.” Harry could feel the tears welling up in his eyes but tried with everything he had to keep them at bay. He did not want Bill to see him so weak.

“Oh Harry, you are so wrong, I do love you; how could I not?”

Harry felt himself pulled into a hug, and allowed his tears to fall.

Twenty minutes later, the two exited the taxi, and after retrieving Harry’s things, made their way into the house that held so many bad memories. Bill was not at all happy that Harry was having to spend the holidays here and had insisted on accompanying him to make sure his uncle and cousin were indeed gone.

Petunia was asleep in her room, and Harry didn’t think it wise to wake her, so he and Bill went to his room and shut the door before beginning to talk. After they had been talking for a couple of hours it seemed, Harry gasped and looked at Bill, his face white as a ghost.

“Harry? What’s wrong?”

“It’s nothing…really,” came out quite unconvincingly, Harry knew.

“Do I scare you, Harry? Sitting so close to you?”

Harry shook his head but looked pensively at Bill. “Not really, but everything seems to freak me out these days."

Bill motioned Harry over to him. “Shhh, it’s okay, Harry. I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

Harry’s tears were pouring out of his eyes and he could feel the light caresses of Bills fingers on his shoulders. He wanted this to feel good, and he wanted to enjoy the sensations, but nothing but fear and nausea coursed through him. Then he felt himself being picked up and then lowered again, and felt as his shoes and socks were removed, and then as the covers were placed over him.

“Go to sleep, love; I’ll be back to check on you in the morning. And I’ll leave a note for your aunt if she is still asleep.”

Harry nodded and smiled, whispering, “Thank you.”

“You’ll get through this, Harry; I’ll help you.”

~*~

Cont. in Part II

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Twelve: Tell Me, Why Does It Hurt So Much?**

Severus knocked on the door, not expecting an answer. He had flooed Draco thirty minutes earlier, saying he was coming to talk, and from the look and sound of Draco, the boy had not beendoing well. He had said he was going to lie down.

Severus had been mixing all of Draco’s food and beverages with healing and nutrient potions meant for those who had miscarried, but it was not making much of a difference, and everyone was at a loss as to what was to be done next. Currently, Severus was working on a new potion that might help the former student, but he knew they were running out of time. Draco was getting stronger magically, but his body remained extremely weak, a fact that perplexed everyone; usually it was the other way around.

Severus wasn’t only worried; he was scared for the young man. The changes his body had undergone had drastically altered him emotionally, and he had withdrawn completely, almost exactly as Harry had, and he hadn’t mentioned anything about his losing the baby since he had talked to Harry, and anytime Severus tried to bring it up, Draco always asked him to stop. Severus hated bringing such a difficult subject up, but he knew they needed to talk about it. No matter what else had happened, Draco was suffering from the loss of something that had been a part of him, and he needed to talk about it.

Knocking louder, Severus raised his voice, “Draco, let me in.” Of course, he could enter on his own if he so chose, but he wanted Draco to understand that he respected the young man’s privacy. “Please, we need to talk.”

A few seconds passed and then the door opened slightly showing a pale-faced Draco with dark circles underneath his eyes from lack of sleep.

Severus gently pushed the door open and walked in before shutting it behind him. “Draco, you must get some sleep; did you sleep at all last night?” He sighed as the boy shook his head. “Do you feel any better than you did earlier?” The boy shook his head once again, and Severus thought he saw unshed tears and a slight quivering of Draco’s chin. _What have I done to him?_

Severus neared Draco, lifted the now trembling chin so he could look into the grey eyes, and felt the sweaty forehead. “You are burning up, Draco, why didn’t you call Madam Pomfrey or me?”

“Professor, what can she or yourself do that the two of you have not already tried? I am so tired of being poked and prodded. Why isn’t anything working? Why do I have to be the one who is so different? Why did I have to end up getting pregnant and lose my baby, and why in the hell did you tell me to rape Harry?”

Severus couldn’t speak as he watched his former student fall down on the sofa and cry, nor could he move. This was entirely his fault; he had done this to his favourite student, and no matter what he did to right this wrong, it would never be enough. “I’m sorry, Draco, I’m so sorry.” Severus sat down beside Draco and pulled the young man into his arms. “Merlin, what have I done to you?” He lifted the boy’s head and shook his own, sadly. “Draco, no matter how much of a bastard I have been, and no matter how upset and angry you are, you owe it to yourself to think positively. I refuse to let you die. I put all of my hopes and dreams in you, don’t you understand?”

"I knew you were Marked, and I could not undo that; however, I could show you what that sick bastard’s idea of truth was, and I did; it worked. You never told me, that wasn’t your way, but when I found out how you felt about everything, I was so proud of you, and even a bit pleased with me. For once in my life, I had done something I could be proud of, and I am proud of you, Draco. I’m just sorry I had to go and destroy everything. I should have known that everything I touch becomes tainted. You would think I would have learned by now, but what’s done is done, and I can’t take back what happened, and neither can you. Do you remember what you said to me after you and Harry talked about yourself and the baby?”

“Of course. I said that I wanted to help him, but that can’t happen, can it? Professor, when he saw that Boggart, it was me who he saw. He looked at me with so much fear in his eyes when I tried to near him.”

“I know. Draco.  I really do wish the two of you could become friends; Merlin knows you both need a true friend, but the last thing Harry needs now is to feel unsafe. He needs reassurance, and you can help give him that, I believe, but only if you keep your distance from him. He is a damned Gryffindor and is going to try to persist in allowing himself to trust you again, but until he is completely ready, it will only do him more harm than good.”

Draco nodded. “The healers were right about one thing -- this baby would have been an embarrassment to Harry, so maybe it is good that things turned out the way they did.”

Severus frowned. "You don’t truly believe that, Draco, at least I certainly hope not. It is neither good nor bad; it simply is.”

~*~

Harry woke to bright sunlight filtering into the small room, and at first he had to think about where exactly he was, but then it came back to him -- he was at his aunt and uncle’s. Yawning, he sat up and tried stretching out his muscles. He was healed, or probably as healed as he was going to be from his attack of almost four months earlier, but there hadn’t been a mourning thus far where his body did not ache after being dormant for the previous several hours.

Hearing noise downstairs, Harry took a deep breath and decided he could not delay the inevitable any longer. Slipping on his dressing gown and slippers, the still sore boy exited his room and carefully made his way down the stairs and entered the kitchen, where he saw his aunt standing over the stove.

So many bad memories were flashing through Harry’s mind, and many of them had to do with him cooking breakfast in this kitchen. It was almost too much for him to handle, but he forced himself to take a deep breath and enter as if he were okay. “Hi, Aunt Petunia.” Harry watched as the woman slowly turned around to face him, and he couldn’t believe how gaunt she looked. He had been told that she was sick, but whatever was wrong with her was far worse than what he had imagined.

“Hello, Harry; your friend told me you were asleep and said he would be back to check on you this morning. Breakfast will be ready in five minutes.”

Harry’s eyes widened. He had always cooked breakfast while at the Dursleys. Something was definitely not right with this picture, but even if he wanted to voice his surprise, what would he say? So, he chose to say nothing on the subject and sat down at the table, pouring himself a glass of orange juice. “I hope Bill did not wake you when he was leaving.”

“Oh no, he didn’t; I couldn’t sleep. He seemed very concerned about you.”

“Yeah, he’s a good friend.”

“Are you sure that is all? He seemed quite taken with you.”

Harry looked at his aunt; this woman was not his Aunt Petunia. “Why are you treating me like this? You never gave a damn about me in the past and now you are talking pleasantly to me, fixing me breakfast, and enquiring about my personal life, as if you care.”

“I do care, Harry. Your mother was my sister.”

“Um, yeah...she was.” Harry was not concerned any longer -- he was terrified. Even if his aunt was sick and had said he could stay at her house, and that he would not be treated harshly, she would never treat him like this. Something was very wrong with this picture, and Harry had a sickening feeling it had Voldemort written all over it.

His aunt went to lie down while Harry was eating, and as the woman walked away, Harry could see how laboured her breathing was and could tell it was difficult for her to walk. The woman Harry was looking at resembled his aunt very little. They hadn’t spoken two words after their initial conversation, and Harry felt his aunt’s stare constantly until she left the room. Many thoughts ran through his head about what could be the explanation for her strange behaviour, and none of them were good ones.

After he had eaten all he could, Harry made his way to his room, where he showered, dressed, then wrote a quick note to Snape and sent it off with Hedwig. He would never trust Dumbledore again. The man had tried without success to convince him this was all for the best -- his returning to the Dursleys -- but he didn’t think so, and neither had Snape. Harry hated to bother Snape, especially since Harry had all but told the man he wanted to be left alone, but his intuition told him something wasn’t right, and he needed to tell someone.

Lying back on his bed, the still tired boy closed his eyes and soon fell into a deep slumber. He hadn’t been getting adequate sleep, and Madam Pomfrey had told him sleep was the best medicine for him.

He was jostled awake by an arm shaking his shoulder. Sitting up suddenly, Harry let out a muffled scream and backed up nearer his headboard with wide eyes as he found Snape towering over him, and croaked out in a shaking voice, “You better be glad I didn’t have my wand on me.”

“Do tell me, Potter, why is it that you do not have it immediately accessible? You of all people should know to never let it out of your immediate sight when sleeping.”

“It won’t happen again.” Would he never learn? Snape would always find something negative to say about him. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“No, you weren’t, just as you never do, Potter. You are here because it is the safest place for you, but if you are not going to help yourself, then we cannot do much for you.”

Harry sat against the headboard with his head resting on his pulled up knees, glaring at Snape. “Who asked for your help anyway?”

“Why, I do believe you did, Harry. You sent your owl to me with a message stating your concerns over your aunt’s behavior, did you not?”

Harry nodded reluctantly as he wiped the sleep from his eyes. “Yeah, I guess I did.”

“I thought it would be best if I came and explained to you why Petunia is acting the way she is.”

“So, you know what— you did this to her, didn’t you?”

“Well, not entirely, no. Your aunt is indeed a very sick woman. However, I might have altered her personality somewhat.”

“But, why?”

“Potter, there was no way I was allowing you to return here, even with your aunt being sick. I threatened to kidnap you and go into hiding, but Albus came up with the idea of me altering her personality. He adamantly insisted that you must be here or you would not be safe. Against my better judgment, I agreed to his terms, and altered Petunia’s personality.”

Harry allowed himself to breathe easier. “So, this has nothing to do with Vold...him?” Harry changed his words mid-sentence when he saw the look Snape was giving him.

“Nothing at all. You are safe as far as we can tell. Of course if you think you are in danger, you call me immediately, understand?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Oh, and Harry, I may not be here to force you to eat, but I’ll know if you’re not eating properly. You remain far too thin, and if I get word that you are neglecting your meals, I’ll personally see to your every meal and do not for one minute doubt that.”

“Don’t worry, you don’t have to baby me, I’ll eat.”

“See that you do. If there is nothing further, I’ll take my leave now. Remember, keep your wand with you at all times.”

Harry nodded gloomily, not wanting Snape to leave him alone. “I will.”

“Harry, it’s only a few days; you’ll be back the day after tomorrow.”

Harry nodded, “Okay.”

Snape left and wasn’t gone five minutes when Harry heard a knock on his bedroom door. “Who is it?”

“It’s Bill; can I come in?”

“Sure, it’s not locked.”

Harry smiled as Ron’s oldest brother walked into his room. He didn’t quite understand why, but he felt comfortable around Bill, at least more comfortable than he was around any other male. “You don’t have to keep checking up on me; I’ll be fine, Bill.”

“I know you will, Harry, but I do worry about you.”

Harry glared at Bill and shook his head. “Everyone is worried about me now, Bill. I almost die and everyone comes running to me offering to wipe my nose. Where were these people when I was just Harry, the boy who lived and the boy who is going to have to fucking kill Voldemort? Tell me, Bill, where were you then?” Harry’s face was red; he didn’t know why he was lashing out, but he was, and he meant every word of it. He knew Bill cared for him, and they had always been friends, but he had never been really close to Harry in the past, so what had changed?

“Harry, Mum told me that she told you about Remus and me, and what really was happening.”

Harry slowly lifted his head and met the sad eyes of the other man standing by the door. “I’m sorry, Bill. You came to check on me and I practically bite your head off. It’s just so frustrating -- everything. I just don’t feel like me anymore.”

“It’s okay, Harry, and you do have a point. You and I have never been that close in the past. I guess it wouldn’t do to lie to you. Remus asked me to look after you if anything ever happened to him, but I am doing it also because I genuinely care about what happens to you. I know you never knew it, but I have always been drawn to you for some reason. At first, I thought it was because you seemed so lonely, but then I began spending more time around you and discovered how alike we really were.

“Then, I found out that Remus loved you, and I knew he could never love me. You would think that would have made me not like you, but it only made my feelings for you grow stronger. Harry, I wanted to know what it was about you that drew people to you. You had no idea you were doing it, but you had won Remus’s heart, and there was no one else for him. He and I kept trying to further our relationship, but he always stopped it before it went too far. I even asked him one day if he was in love with you, and he looked at me as if I was crazy, but it was in his eyes. He never admitted his feelings for you, probably for very good reasons, you being a minor would be the main one, but he did ask me to look out for you if anything were ever to happen to him. I agreed. I loved Remus and would have done anything he asked of me.”

Harry could feel his chin quivering and really didn’t want to cry again in front of Bill, but he couldn’t stop himself. He had loved Remus, and yes, many would say it had just been a schoolboy crush or a passing phase, but Harry knew better. He had genuinely loved the man and always would.

“I’m sorry, Bill, for everything. If it wasn’t for me, Remus would have loved you, and he probably would be alive today.”

“Stop it, Harry. Enough. You did not kill Remus, don’t you understand?”

“Yeah...I understand alright, it was Snape who killed him. Yeah, I overheard Professor Snape and Dumbledore talking and Snape admitted he had asked Lupin to leave. If not for him, Remus would still be alive.”

“No, Harry. Remus was killed by Death Eaters. Snape had no way of knowing what was going to happen. You cannot blame him. Remus was a grown man, and made his own choices. Snape did not force him to leave.”

“I know...I know...but I have to blame something, Bill, I am so damned mad; what did I do to deserve any of this? I didn’t ask to be raped, and I didn’t ask to fall in love with Remus, and, I didn’t ask to have Snape fawning over me like I was his child or something. Why is my life so fucking messed up?”

“I wish I could tell you, Harry; I don’t know why things seem to happen to you all the time. I really wish I could help you.”

Harry nodded as he lay down on his bed and turned to face Bill, and felt as more tears fell down his already tear-stained cheeks. “Um, Do you remember last night when I started acting all weirded out when we were sitting near each other?” Seeing an affirmative nod, Harry continued. “There was nothing there, Bill. Not that I’ve ever wanted you, but for a long time, I have always reacted when you were around, and I didn’t last night, and it freaked me out. I shouldn’t be surprised by now, but it’s just another stab in the back to remind me of what I can never have now.”

“Are they sure you’ll never be able to--”

“No, they say maybe with time things will return to normal, but not to expect it to happen. Madam Pomfrey said I am lucky to be alive, so any added sensations in that area should be taken as an added bonus.”

“Well, you did look dead when I saw you. I swear to Merlin. If I ever get my hands on that boy Malfoy, I’ll kill him, Harry, I promise you.”

“NO, YOU CAN’T! I can’t lose anyone else to this...whatever it is that happened to me. I need you to help me, not hurt me, Bill. I don’t want to hurt anymore.” Harry had no clue why he was being so forthright with Bill, and he didn’t know why he was reacting so emotionally, but he couldn’t stop the tears and found himself being pulled into strong arms.

“Let it out, Harry. Let it out.”

Harry hated himself for being so weak, and for crying in Bill’s arms, but everything was too much for him. He had been terrified about retuning to his aunt and uncle’s and had prepared himself mentally for anything, or so he thought, but it was even worse now that he knew his aunt had been treating him so amiably only because her personality had been altered. He didn’t know what the truth was anymore, or whom he should trust. However, he knew Bill was being honest with him, and he was beginning to realise that his former Potions professor was, as well.

Pulling away, Harry wiped his eyes and took a shaky breath as he began to speak. “Bill, when Draco, um, raped me, somehow he and I conceived a child; he was pregnant, but he lost the baby, or more like it was taken away from him.”

“Oh Merlin, Harry, that’s horrible. Merlin...How do you feel about Draco becoming pregnant and losing the baby?”

Harry somehow managed a soft chuckle. It wasn’t exactly the response he had expected, but he probably shouldn’t be surprised.  “You are just like your mum -- trying to get me to talk about it.  I don’t know what to think anymore. I hate what Malfoy did to me, and I’m so mad at him, but I would never have wished him to lose the baby. It was mine, Bill, mine. Whenever I am finally able to get to sleep, do you know what I dream about? Holding my son in my arms and rocking him to sleep. Merlin, I am only sixteen years old, but I loved that child, and never even knew he existed.”

“Of course you loved him, Harry. When the time is right, I think you’ll have your son, just think positively.”

Harry shook his head. “Even if I could have another child, it wouldn’t replace this one. I mean, out of the worst experience of my life, came the most beautiful gift, and then it was taken away. I feel like someone has stolen my most treasured possession, Bill, and how can I feel that way? How can I miss something I never had?”

“I don’t know, love. I can’t possibly understand what you are going through, but I can try, and I can be here for you.”

Looking up, Harry wiped away the tears as a huge grin spread across his face. “Snape also asked you to keep me company, didn't he? I know that you really do care about me, and that you want to help me, but it was Snape who asked you to be here with me, am I correct?”

“Yes, you are. He was so worried about you, and asked if I wouldn’t mind checking on you.”

“He also knew you could make me talk, Bill. That man never does anything without ulterior motives.”

“Does he still make you nervous?”

Harry thought for a time before answering. “No, he just makes me sad. When I look at him, I see me in twenty years, and it is sad, Bill. He is so broken, and I know I am too.”

“Harry, none of us are going to ever allow you to feel unloved or unwanted. Unfortunately, that is what happened to Snape. You will never be like him.”

“Why do people have to be so cruel? I mean, what made Snape so angry that he would send students after me? I know he didn’t know about them seeing his rape, but what could have sent him into such a rage that he would ask others to harm me?”

“I don’t know, love; that is something you will have to ask him.”

~*~

Later that afternoon Harry was watching the telly when he heard dogs barking outside, profusely. Going into the kitchen, he peaked out the window and immediately backed up to the stairs and began running as quickly as he could. Lucius Malfoy was standing in the driveway looking at the house, a feat the man should not have been able to perform. The wards were such that no wizard or witch could cross the threshold, which began at the end of their driveway, unless they were given clearance. Somehow, they had been breeched, and Harry knew he needed to contact someone..._Snape_. Lucius probably was at another barrier, but Harry knew if some of the wards had already been breeched, others would more than likely soon follow. Scribbling a note, he tied it to Hedwig, and sent her off saying, “Okay girl, take this to Snape, and hurry.”

Then Harry slowly made his way to his aunt’s room and cracked open the door. She was asleep, but her breathing was extremely laboured. _Merlin, she looks so weak. _Then it all made sense to him. His aunt’s being so weak must have deemed the wards not as strong. Maybe that had nothing to do with it, but it would make sense. _Oh shite. Please hurry, Snape._

Harry couldn’t leave; Lucius would surely have him then.  All he could do was wait and hope that Snape got his message in time. Sitting against his bedroom door, he closed his eyes and put his head in his hands. A few moments later, he heard a shrill scream coming from outside, crawled over to the window, and peaked over the sill. Harry quickly slumped back to the floor with a look of pure terror on his face. Draco was lying on the ground beneath his window and was screaming at the top of his lungs. None of the neighbours were looking out to see what was going on, so Harry knew Lucius must have put up silencing charms around the property.

“Don’t come out, Harry, no matter what my father says. Don’t come out,” Draco was screaming repeatedly. Then suddenly all sound from below stopped, and a few seconds later, Harry heard an enraged Lucius Malfoy screaming at someone.

“You are never to touch my son, ever, do you hear me? If you have hurt him in any way, I swear to Merlin, I’ll break your neck. I told you exactly why we are here, and you know we need my son to be healthy. You had better hope you have done no irreparable damage to him.”

_How did he get Draco?_ Harry began panicking and couldn’t control his breathing. He was about to pass out when he heard more commotion beneath his window. Then he heard Snape’s voice.

"Malfoy, you have crossed me for the last time. I’ve wanted to kill you for so long, and now...I get my chance.” Harry looked down and watched as Severus then turned to Draco. “Say goodbye to your father, Draco.”

Then Harry watched as Lucius smirked and nodded his head. “Yes, Draco, say goodbye to your father.”

At the same moment, each man raised their wands and said in unison, “Avada Kedavra.”

~*~

  


 

#### Chapter Thirteen: Could We Start Again, Please?

  
"NOOOO!”

“NOOOO!"

At the exact moment each man sent the killing curse to the other, two identical screams resounded, and in less than a minute, Harry was leaning over Snape’s lifeless body. He could feel his heart beating in his ears and knew he was not far from another panic attack. Trying to control his breathing, he glanced over towards Draco’s father and then Draco, and was met with a blank stare. “Malfoy, are you okay?” Harry waited for an answer, but none came; Draco stood zombie-like in between the two men, more than likely, in shock.

Harry returned his attention to the pale body of his former professor. “You can’t be dead, Snape...you have to be okay.” He felt the man’s neck for a pulse.

“He won’t die, Potter.”

Harry turned his head sharply at the voice speaking to him. “Look at him, Draco, he looks dead already.”

“He won’t die, Potter,” was repeated in a flat monotone.

Harry stood up and neared the blond, who was staring into space. “I hope you’re right, Draco; have you checked your father?”

“He’s dead,” was spoken in a matter of fact voice from a nodding Draco that did not mask the son’s feelings for his father in the least.

Harry furrowed his brow and looked at the elder Malfoy. “They both said it, Draco, how can your father be dead and not Snape? It makes no sense.”

“It makes perfect sense, Potter. I just want to know why I am still alive.” Draco looked into Harry’s eyes with sadness and shook his head.

This was getting ridiculous. Obviously, his former year-mate knew something he wasn’t aware of, and whatever it was, it must be important. “What are you talking about, Malfoy?”

“I should have realised it sooner; it was staring me in the eyes and I never saw it. I mean it all makes sense now that I--”

Harry was getting nervous at the way the blond was acting, and now at the sudden pause in what the other had begun to say. He noticed the grey eyes beginning to flutter. “Are you okay, Malfoy?”

“Get Madam Pomfrey.” Before Harry could respond, Draco had fallen on the ground beside Snape, and did not respond when his name was called out repeatedly.

Harry checked for a pulse, and it was there, albeit weakly. _What do I do now_?

Harry didn’t have much time to contemplate his next move because Dumbledore appeared at his side. Peering up at the thoughtful looking man, Harry stood slowly and looked at the man inquisitively before quickly informing the Headmaster what all had occurred.

“Headmaster, Draco’s father is dead; Draco said Professor Snape would be fine, and then he fell on the ground. Please, Headmaster, tell me what is going on.” The calm demeanor the older man was showing him did nothing to reassure Harry.

“You mean Draco was still conscious when his father received the curse?”

“Yes. He just now fell down after we talked. He told me Snape would not die. What is going on?”

Harry watched as the now sullen man knelt beside Severus, and then watched as sad blue eyes met his green ones.

“I always knew Draco’s father was heartless, but I would have never imagined in a million years that he could have risked his son’s life, but he did.”

“But how?”

“Not now, Harry, we need to get Professor Snape back to the hospital wing. Poppy can take care of him.”

“Wait, you can’t just leave me here without an explanation.”

“Oh, you are returning to Hogwarts with me, Harry; we cannot risk anyone else breaking through the wards. However, you will have to wait on an explanation. I am afraid it is not my place to say anything.”

Harry opened his mouth to protest, but immediately shut it at the look on the Headmaster’s face. He would never understand the man. Sometimes he seemed so caring and fatherly, and other times he seemed cold and heartless. But, at least Harry was leaving and returning to Hogwarts; he could keep up with what was happening much better there.

Harry watched as Lucius Malfoy’s body disappeared, probably being sent to St. Mungo’s, then watched as Dumbledore lifted Snape in his arms.

“Harry, will you carry Draco and hold on to my robes? We will Apparate to Hogwarts. Your aunt will be notified of where you have gone.”

Harry nodded, lifted the limp body of his former year-mate and held on to the Headmaster’s robes as he continued to stare at Draco’s body, and then at his professor, who, despite what Draco had said, looked dead. Looking back at the blond in his arms, Harry felt a great sadness. Draco had been sick for a long time and had been known to fall unconscious occasionally from exhaustion, but Harry knew this episode was different. Something had triggered his current situation, and Harry wanted to know what it was.

Within seconds, all four were at the edge of the forbidden forest, and Harry and Dumbledore quickly made their way to the school. It didn’t take long to get to the hospital wing, and fortunately since it was holiday, the school was quiet. After Snape and Draco had been placed on beds, Harry watched as Madam Pomfrey moved nervously around in between the two lifeless bodies.

“Harry, would you please go get Professor McGonagall? I believe she is in her office.”

“Yes, Headmaster.”

Harry found the Deputy Headmistress and the two of them returned to find Dumbledore and Poppy in the middle of a conversation. Harry leaned against the wall opposite everyone and sat down to listen to what was being said.

“This can’t be, Albus. Not even he would do that to his son.”

“I am afraid you are wrong, Poppy. Lucius may have loved his son, but he hated Severus, and he would have done anything to get back at him.”

“But Albus, if this is indeed true, why has no one ever known about it? Wouldn’t that be a great asset to Lucius to have told He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named about?”

“Yes, it would have, Poppy, but it would have been an even greater asset for him to tell no one and use the knowledge he possessed for his own selfish reasons. Can’t you see it, Poppy? Lucius could have used this to propel himself into power, and he would have if not for his great hatred of Severus. For some reason, Lucius must have felt he could hurt Severus far worse by doing this than anything else, and he did not mind sacrificing his chances at attaining great power, or his life, for the cause.”

“And that of his son’s as well. There is no hope of Draco surviving, is there?”

“It’s not likely, but then again, Harry said that Draco did not fall immediately. Something was keeping him alive, and that may end up saving his life. I think everything hinges on Severus’s reactions to what has happened. If he wakes up, then Draco may as well, but Draco’s situation looks much more grim than Severus’s, Poppy. Draco was already weakened from his Wizard’s Flu, then from losing the baby, and I do not see anyway that he can possibly survive this. His body more than likely has massive internal bleeding, while Severus is only unconscious, and has nothing internally wrong with him.”

Harry wanted to stay and listen, to see if he could find out any further information, but Professor McGonagall had asked him to return to her office where the two of them were to meet in fifteen minutes, so he quietly made his way out of the hospital wing. _What happened to Draco, and how was it his father’s fault that he may die? And how come Snape is alive_? There was something he was missing, Harry knew that much, but what?

Harry made his way to Professor McGonagall’s office and sat in the chair across from her desk. For the past four months since his rape, Harry hadn’t had much contact with his Head of House, instead, he had talked to Snape, largely because the Gryffindor Head of House had insisted, as well as Snape, and Harry had not been in a position to argue.

The man had been so insistent on helping him, and Harry appreciated the thought, but for some reason, a very good one in his estimation, he could never fully trust the man. Yes, he knew Snape would never hurt him further, and yes, he knew the man had been through the same thing he had, but Harry was stuck on the fact that Snape had instigated this entire situation. _But did he really? I was the one who looked in his Pensieve. If I hadn’t done that, then he would not have told them to attack me. Maybe it is my fault._

A few minutes later, Harry’s thoughts were interrupted by the entrance of Professor McGonagall, who sat down and looked sternly at him, causing him to shrink back in his chair.

“Harry, dear, it’s okay, no one is going to hurt you; I just need to ask you a few questions.”

Harry nodded his head but his features were expressionless. This was his fault.

“Can you tell me what happened this afternoon?”

“Is Malfoy going to die, Professor? And what about Professor Snape?”

“We don’t know, Harry. We’ll have to wait and see.”

“He can’t die, he just can’t.” Harry could feel the tears burning in his eyes and felt as they began to escape. “It’s my fault; it’s all my fault.”

Harry felt someone lifting his chin, and he looked into warm, forgiving eyes. “Harry, dear, this is not your fault, none of it. You had nothing to do with it.”

Harry shook his head as the tears came more forcefully. “Stop it; just stop lying to me to protect me. It is my fault, Professor. If I hadn’t looked into Professor Snape’s Pensieve, then everything would be fine now. I wouldn’t have been raped, and Draco and Professor Snape would not be almost dead. So, you see, it is my fault.”

An hour later, Harry left the office of Professor McGonagall, whole-heartedly believing he had caused all of the mayhem that had followed his looking into Snape’s Pensieve. Walking aimlessly through the corridors, he found himself once again at the hospital wing. He entered as quietly as he could, and heard commotion coming from the private room; someone was yelling. Harry looked around, and seeing no one else, quietly approached the door and cracked it. He watched as a pensive-looking Madam Pomfrey tried to hold down Snape, who was yelling and crying.

“NO, NO, NO. HOW COULD HE? I KILLED HIM AND HE KNEW IT WOULD HAPPEN? HOW COULD HE DO THAT TO ME, POPPY? I NEVER KNEW, NEVER KNEW, AND NOW HE’S GONE!” Then his words became too muffled for Harry to understand, but he could see Snape being comforted by Madam Pomfrey, and could hear her speaking to the distressed man.

“I don’t know, Severus. I can’t understand, either, love.”

Harry watched as Snape tried getting out of the bed, then as he was held down by Madam Pomfrey and Professor Dugdale . “Let me go! You don’t understand -- I need to get out of here.”

Harry watched as a distraught-looking matron waved her wand over Severus, and then with Professor Dugdale’s help, gave him a potion to drink. Within seconds, Snape was asleep. Harry watched as the two left the room through a side door, and then he quietly crept inside. Finding a chair, he sat down beside the sleeping man and gazed at the sallow face, which was a shade paler than usual. There were tear streaks that were still wet, and even as the man slept, his body shook ever so slowly. Harry looked around and noticed Draco was not in the bed he had been in earlier. Thinking back to what he had heard Snape saying, he thought of Lucius Malfoy. Yes, Harry had seen Snape kill him, but that would cause the opposite of what he had heard Snape saying, to happen. Harry knew from recent conversations with the man that he detested Lucius more than anything else.

Harry suddenly whipped around and looked at the door, then back at the bed Draco should have been in, and thought about what Snape had said. _Draco_!

Harry’s breathing became laboured and he began shaking. His lungs felt like they were tightening and he couldn't take in air no matter how hard he tried to breathe, and he could hear his pulse pounding in his ears as he felt himself shaking. “No, not Draco, not Draco, too. No. No. Can’t be. No. Not Draco.”

Harry vaguely sensed arms around him and could feel his shaking body as it was lowered to a bed. He continued repeating Draco’s name, and could hear his wailing becoming louder, but he couldn’t stop. _Why can’t I stop_?

~*~

Severus cracked open an eye and looked around the room. He remembered everything, and knew what he had to do. Looking in the bed next to him, he found Harry restlessly tossing and turning. _What is Potter doing here? Please let him be okay._

Gingerly standing and regaining his balance, Severus approached Harry’s bed and sat down in a chair. _You have to be okay, Harry, I can’t lose you, too._ Feeling as tears dropped onto his hospital gown, Severus roughly wiped his face. Feeling himself shaking, he quickly stood again so his cries would not wake Harry. He leant over the sleeping figure and placed a soft kiss on the much too warm forehead, and after looking down over the young man's pale form for a few more minutes, left the room, resigned to do what he had to.

Reaching his office, a now robed and trembling Severus somehow managed to open his door, and enter the dark and cold office. _Okay, Severus, you have to do this, you have to. _Opening a side door, he entered his private office. Shutting the door behind him, he lit the sconces with his wand, and his eyes immediately fell upon the object he had come to retrieve.

Merlin he wanted to use it, in fact, he didn’t think he could go on if he didn’t, but there was no way he could use it, was there? Reaching out a shaking hand, Severus carefully extricated the silver contraption from its resting place, and brought it to his chest before sitting down. In his hand, he held a second chance, a second chance for him to tell Draco the truth as he now knew it, a second chance not to kill the one thing that mattered most in his life, and a second chance to prevent Harry from further trauma._ I don’t know what to do. I know it is wrong to change what has happened, but I have to use it, I have to tell him, he has to know that I didn’t know. He has to. _Severus closed his eyes and tried to squeeze them shut so no further tears would escape, but it was to no avail. With the tears came the sobs, and with the sobs came the screams; screams of desperation and screams of lost opportunities. “Draco, I promise, I never knew; I never knew.” Severus somehow managed to erect silencing charms to silence his loud cries before collapsing on the floor, rocking back and forth, all the while, holding the time turner to his chest as if it was his most prized possession.

~*~

Harry woke to loud voices, and quickly covered his eyes; the light was overwhelming. Someone must have noticed he was no longer asleep, because soon the lights were dimmed, and Harry watched as someone approached his bed. “Can you please give me my glasses?”

Harry felt as his glasses were put on him, and immediately sat up. “What happened to Draco?” Harry looked at the sad looking woman and yelled. “What happened to Draco?”

Both Harry and Madam Pomfrey turned as the Headmaster entered the room. “Poppy, please let me talk to Mr Potter, alone.” After the matron left the room, Dumbledore pulled up a chair and after being seated, looked at Harry, who was trembling. “Harry, Draco is dead.”

“Bu-- How did-- No, he can’t be.”

“He is, child, I wouldn’t lie to you about such a thing.”

“What happened, Professor Dumbledore? How could he have died? He was alive. He was bruised from some of the other Death Eaters kicking him, but when his father and Professor Snape dueled, he was safely out of the way, but he did say something about his being surprised he wasn’t dead. Why would he say that?”

“That is not for me to say, Harry, I’m sorry.”

“Somebod--” Harry stopped and opened his mouth and clasped both hands over it. “Oh Merlin, Professor Snape, he was screaming earlier and yelling about killing him. I didn’t understand why he would be upset about killing Draco’s father, but he wasn’t talking about Lucius Malfoy, was he? He was talking about Draco, but he didn’t kill him; how could he have?”

“I am sure in time, you will get the answers to these and many more questions, but for now, you must rest. You are on the edge of another panic attack, Harry, and I will not allow you to get yourself all worked up over this.”

“Where is he? Where is Professor Snape?”

“It seems he left when no one was looking; he needed some time alone. He'll be fine, Harry."

Harry could feel his breathing becoming more rapid with every moment that passed, and he knew he had to get out. “Just leave me alone, please. No one seems to care that I want to know what happened. So, if you don’t mind, I’d like to be left alone.”

It wasn’t hard to convince Dumbledore because Harry was as mad as he could remember being in a long time. Snape was upset about killing Draco, yet Dumbledore wasn’t troubled in the least that Snape, who had been brought in unconscious not long before, had left the hospital wing on his own, to do Merlin knows what.

Hearing the door close, Harry waited a few minutes then snuck out of the room, and exited the hospital wing, and fortunately, Madam Pomfrey was busy in her office. He needed to find Snape, and he hoped to Merlin he wasn’t where Harry thought he might be. But, he knew; in his heart he knew, and prayed to every deity he knew, that he would reach his former professor in time, before he risked his life. As he neared his destination, the conversation of a couple of weeks earlier replayed in his mind.

After a particularly bad episode, Harry had run into the forbidden forest and had remained there for half the day, only to be found when Filch finally agreed to search the densest section of the forest. Apparently, the angry man had carried an unconscious Harry into the hospital wing, where Snape had remained with him the entire time.

When he awakened, Harry prepared himself for a barrage of screaming and cursing, but it never came. Instead, Snape took Harry to his office. Even now, Harry could still see the worry in his professor’s face and could hear the tremble in his voice as he talked. The words that came out of Snape’s mouth that morning were ones that would forever change Harry.

  
_Harry watched as Snape pulled down an object from a shelf and placed it in front of him._

“I am assuming you know what this is?”

“Yes, sir, it is a time-turner.”

“Yes, I thought you might be familiar with it. That night, after you were attacked, I came as close as I’ve ever come to using this for something other than evil. I did not want you to have to go through the pain and shame that I did. I wanted to spare you from that, but I couldn’t, Harry. Unlike you and your friends, on Dumbledore’s orders I have no doubt, I could not risk changing time. Time is not to be messed with, and if it is, there can be horrific results. I was almost prepared to take a chance, but I couldn’t. So, call me a coward if you must, but I did need you to know that I truly care about what happens to you; I always have, Harry. I was willing to do whatever it took to prevent you from going through the hell I am, but I just couldn’t. I hope you can understand why.”

  
Harry had understood. Having used the time-tuner before, he knew how things could potentially go very wrong, and he wasn’t upset that Snape had chosen not to use it.

After the rapes, Harry had thought about how nice it would be to go back in time a day or so and somehow change the course of events, but he never seriously thought he would have that opportunity.

Now he just knew that Snape had gone after the time-turner, to go back and save Draco. However, Harry still didn’t understand why Draco had fallen unconscious and died, or why Snape thought he had killed him.

Nearing Snape’s office, Harry didn’t see any lights coming from beneath the door, but knew the man was in there. Fortunately, it was still the holidays, therefore not many people were in the castle. Harry reached the door and began banging on it. “Snape, let me in. I know you’re in there. Please let me in. It’s me, Harry, Please let me in.” Harry repeated this several times and it wasn’t long before he had tears falling freely down his face and onto his robes as he banged his fists louder and louder.

Harry didn’t have his wand, and as he had never fully regained his magical strength, it was currently not as easy for him to perform wandless magic, as it had been previous to his attack, but he had to open the door. “Alohamora.” He was about to yell the spell out again, when the lock slid open for him. Opening the door and walking in slowly, he immediately saw the light beneath the side door, and knew he had been right.

This door was unlocked and Harry easily opened it and found Snape lying, curled into the foetal position, hugging the time-turner to him as he sobbed Draco’s name repeatedly. Harry quietly closed the door and neared the crying man. Kneeling beside the shaking figure, Harry spoke softly. “Professor, it’s me, Harry.” Harry watched as red swollen eyes met his, and he had to hold in his own small whimper. He had seen Snape upset, but never like this.

“He’s gone, Harry, and I don’t know what to do. I want to use this, Merlin I want to use it so badly. But I can’t, can I?”

Harry sat down and pulled his professor’s head into his lap and began running his hands through the matted hair, brushing it away from the pale face. Harry closed his eyes to think of what he should say, then nodded his head and opened his eyes. “You should do what you want, Professor. If you really want to use it, then go ahead; I won’t try to stop you. Hermione and I used it at the end of third year to save Sirius and Buckbeak. It probably wasn’t right what we did, but it gave me another two years with my godfather. I’ll never regret what we did.”

Harry watched as a now sniffling Snape sat up and faced him. “You were foolhardy to mess with time, Harry, but I cannot argue the fact that everything worked out for you. You did have Sirius for two more years. However, I won’t use it. Too many people would be involved, and the risk is just too great. And, I guess when it comes down to it, I’m a coward.”

Harry completely ignored that last comment. "You’re right; the risk is great, but perhaps the risk would be worth it.”

“Perhaps, I don’t know. But if you only knew, Harry. Merlin, there he was for five years sitting in my class, in the front row, my most observant and willing student, and I never even knew.”

“You never even knew what, Professor?”

Harry watched as a new batch of tears made their way down Snape’s face, and  he had to steel himself not to cry as well, when Snape cried out.

“I never knew he was my son, Harry.”

~*~

  


#### Chapter Fourteen: Let Me Explain

  
Severus had barely managed to get those words out of his mouth when he realised he hadn’t said them to himself, but aloud. Cursing himself, he roughly wiped the tears away and shook his head. Looking into Harry’s eyes, he tried to discern what emotions they were currently expressing, but met only a blank stare. It was as if Harry was not seeing him, but only looking through him in order to see another object that was perched on the wall. Severus reached out a hand and touched the other’s shoulder lightly. “Harry? Talk to me.”

Harry slowly began shaking his head, then began breathing rapidly again, alerting Severus to the beginnings of what he knew would soon evolve into a full out panic attack; they were becoming an almost daily event that Severus had learned to anticipate, but he would never get accustomed to them. “Harry, look at me.” The paling Gryffindor’s breaths were becoming more laboured and Severus could hear the young man gasping for air. “Merlin, Harry.” Severus took the young man, held him tightly to him, and began rocking him slowly as he moved the damp fringe from Harry’s forehead. “Harry, look at me. Open your eyes and look into mine. Breathe slowly. Focus on me. Everything is going to be just fine, Harry.” _It’s not ever going to be just fine, Severus; why must you lie to him?_

Severus never loosened his hold on Harry; in fact he tried to get the boy as close to him as he could to stop the shivering that was getting progressively worse. Severus watched helplessly as the boy’s eyes slowly opened, fluttered a few times, and then closed. “HARRY, HARRY!” This was not normal; something was horribly wrong. “Oh Merlin, what have I done now?”

Severus ran with Harry across the room and threw the floo powder in before entering the fire with the limp form that was now unconscious, lying listlessly in his arms. “Don’t you dare die on me, Harry.”

Within seconds, they were in the hospital wing, and Severus gently placed a now blue Harry onto the bed. “Poppy, get in here, now." Severus heard the door opening as Poppy ran into the room and saw the worry in the matron's eyes when she noticed who was lying in the bed.

“What did you do, Severus? He had no right to be leaving this bed in his condition; you of all people should have known that, now look what you’ve gone and done.”

“But I didn’t—” Severus stopped. He had caused this -- he had told Harry he was Draco’s father. After everything the boy had been through, hearing such a thing must have sent him over the edge.

“What happened, Severus? I need you to tell me exactly what happened for Harry to be in the current state he is. I knew he was weak and possibly weakening further, but something has caused his body to begin revolting against him and I need to know what that something is. What did you tell him, Severus? ”

Severus opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. “I can’t--”

“You can, and you will, Severus.”

Severus, who was shaking like a leaf, shook his head as he backed up against the wall. “I know, but you don’t understand, Poppy. I can’t. Please get Molly or Minerva, please," Severus pleaded.

Severus wasn’t sure how long he stood there just staring at Harry as Poppy tended to the still unconscious boy, but it seemed like hours. Poppy tried getting him to sit down, but he refused to move, that is until Minerva walked into the room and gently coaxed the terrified man into going with her. He kept looking back at Harry, but finally allowed himself to be led out of the room.

“I killed him. Oh Merlin, Minerva, I killed him.” Severus felt himself as he was lowered into a chair, then felt as his chin was raised so he could look into the warm eyes of his former coworker.

“Harry is not dead, Severus. He is going to be fine, but you need to tell me what happened.”

Severus seemed to calm somewhat at Minerva’s words, but continued shaking his head. “No, he isn’t going to be fine; you don’t understand. Oh Minerva, I shouldn’t have told him. I wasn’t thinking. How could I--”

“Severus, what don’t I understand? Please, I am begging you, love, tell me what you said to Harry to upset him so.”

Nodding his head, the sullen form of Severus Snape looked directly in Minerva’s eyes. “I told him Draco was my son.”

“What? Oh, Oh Merlin, Severus, was he really your son?”

“Oh Good Merlin, Minerva, why would I lie about that?”

“I’m sorry, Severus; of course you wouldn’t lie about such a thing, it’s just that it is not at all what I expected to hear. Oh Merlin, Severus, you know what this means. You have to tell Poppy. We knew Harry had been weakened, as well as Draco, but now with Draco’s Death, this is quite serious.”

Severus knew Minerva was not one to ask many questions, and also knew that the woman would not need to ask the why’s and how’s of what he had just said. She knew of his past and needed no further explanation, but he knew others would. “She knows, Minerva, at least I think she does. However, I seem to have exacerbated the situation, and Poppy does need to know that. I just don’t know what to do. Not only did I kill Lucius Malfoy and indirectly my son, but I managed to deplete two thirds of my magical abilities as well as a third of Harry’s.”

“So, it seems all that I have read is not as I had thought. I had thought a child born of two wizards could overcome anything, but Draco had illness and then was killed as a regular wizard would be.”

“That’s not entirely true, Minerva. The only person who can kill a child of a wizarding union is one of the parents. Lucius, being one of Draco’s parents, could siphon magic out of his son, and he must have done so to make him get Wizarding Flu, and I, the other, inadvertently caused Draco’s death by killing his father. I’m sure you know that one of the reasons children such as Draco are as powerful as they are is because they have the magic of both parents mixed with their own. From the moment the child is born, all three wizards share their magic equally. Therefore, Lucius and I actually gained magical abilities when Draco was born. Draco had powers far more advanced than anyone could have imagined, but they were never realised. Together, the three of us would have been unstoppable at anything we attempted. But, the downside to that is, if one wizard is killed, which of course can only happen at the hands of the wizard whom he shares the bond with, the child is automatically sapped of his dead father’s energy, leaving him with very low magical reserves, and condemning him to death. After his still growing body has been accustomed to the excess magic flowing through his veins, he cannot survive without it and will die. The wizard still living, remains alive until he dies of natural causes, or by his own hands, but his magical abilities are greatly diminished.”

Minerva looked at Severus with a quizzical look on her face. “If what you are saying is the case, then when Harry and Draco conceived, their magic was combined with the baby and once he died, both Draco and Harry were stripped of a third of their magic, and now that Draco is dead, Harry has lost another third? And you also lost most of your magic when both Lucius and Draco died, am I correct?”

So much for Minerva not asking many questions, Severus mused. He then sighed and took a deep breath -- this was complicated. “You have the basic idea, Minerva, yes, but only when a wizard is born, does the magic flow equally between him and his parents. Harry and Draco did not lose as much magic as they would have if the baby had been born and then died, but the loss was significant enough to be visible to the outward eye. Harry and Draco were both already weakened by other extraneous events, so it was easy for everyone to just think they were still ill, but both were weakened from their loss of magic. Today the two were stripped of more than Draco could tolerate, and almost more than Harry could, as well, and I wasn’t even thinking about that when I was talking to Harry and told him about Draco being my son, Minerva. I was so intent on going back that I didn’t think. I just didn’t think. Poppy will know all of this of course. She has been monitoring him so closely because he had already lost so much of his magic.”

“Well, we will go tell her what happened, but Severus, what did you mean when you said you were so intent on going back?”

Severus pulled off the chain that he had placed around his neck and held it to his chest. “This. I was going to go back and tell Draco. I was--”

“Oh, Severus, love, you know you can’t do that.”

“You’re wrong, Minerva. I can do it, but I am choosing not to, even as it is killing me.” Severus reluctantly handed over the silver contraption as Minerva held her hand open. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”

~*~

Harry drifted in and out of consciousness for two weeks, and Severus spent almost every waking hour sitting by the young man's side, coaxing him to please wake up. Poppy had finally stopped trying to make him leave at night, and everyone else on the staff accepted the fact that the man was not leaving, no matter what.

Harry was safely tucked away in the back, in a private room, so the other students never saw Severus. It was not even surprising anymore when someone walked in and found the inconsolable man holding Harry’s hand in his, crying for him to please wake up.

Severus witnessed as Harry's best friend, Ron, came to see him almost every day, and he never saw the boyy leaving when his eyes were not red rimmed. He had never cared much for the youngest Weasley son, but he found his respect for the young man increasing. He knew Ron didn’t like sharing Harry during his visits, and Severus knew he should give the two some privacy, but he never did.

Hermione had come to see Harry once, but hadn’t been back, which did not exactly upset Severus; the weepy girl would surely not help her friend by breaking down in front of him.

~*~

Severus had showered and changed clothes for the first time in two days, and was about to enter the hospital wing when Hermione practically ran into him. He put out his arms to stop her from barreling into him, and noticed the tears flowing from the girl’s eyes.

Deciding that he and everyone else had allowed this to continue for far too long, Severus took matters into his own hands. “Miss Granger, I have allowed you to go on like this for two weeks and have not asked anything about why you are acting this way, but I must insist on you telling me. You are going to make yourself sick and I refuse to let you be around Harry if you are going to react in such a way.”

Severus watched as the young Witch slowly nodded her head as they walked over to some chairs, where they sat down. “Can you tell me what has you so upset, Miss Granger?”

Hermione nodded as she picked up her rucksack and rummaged through it, finally pulling out an ancient tome. Shakily, she handed it to her former professor. “I figured it all out, Professor. I knew that Draco was your son. I didn’t have any proof, but from what I read in that book, I had a good idea that it was true. Then when I heard about Draco dying, and after I saw you, I knew it was true.

"Professor, is Harry going to die? I know according to this book, he’ll live, but he is so young; he’s not an adult wizard yet. Will he have enough strength to live?”

“I can’t honestly say, Mis-- Hermione. He has been through so much, and I don’t know how much more he can take. But, Harry is strong; he wouldn’t still be here if he weren’t. I truly believe that he’ll wake up and will recover.”

“I think so, too. But I am worried about him and how he’ll react to everything. He has always hated being singled out, and this will only further isolate him, I’m afraid,” said a distraught looking Hermione.

This worried Severus as well. He knew exactly how much Harry hated anything that distinguished him from the other students, and his losing a significant portion of his magical abilities would not be taken well by him, Severus guessed. He also knew that the Gryffindor would fixate on the fact that he would not be able to defeat the Dark Lord without his full powers, but Severus was more than aware of the fact that Harry had been the strongest wizard alive before he and Draco had conceived their child, so maybe even after losing some of his magic, he would be strong enough to defeat the Dark Lord, but Severus prayed it would never come to that. No matter what happened, Harry would not be in this alone. Severus planned to be with him every step of the way.

Severus tried his best to reassure the young witch that her friend would indeed recover, and then sent a somewhat more optimistic Hermione to dinner before returning to Harry's bedside.

~*~

Harry felt as if he were on fire, and wanted nothing more than for it to stop. He could hear steady breathing, but knew it was not his own. Slowly opening his eyes, Harry tried turning his head to see whom the shadow was that he could see out of the corner of his eye, but he couldn’t move and cried out in frustration, alerting a sleeping Severus that he had awakened.

Severus was at Harry’s side within a second and began to brush the fringe from the pale figure’s damp forehead. “I’m here, Harry, and you are going to be fine.” _He is going to be fine...he has to be fine._

Harry slowly turned his head and tried to speak. “Not going to be fine, Professor. So weak...hurts so much...so much.”

“Yes, you will be fine, Harry," said a tearful Severus. "You will, you will, you will, you will, you--” A sobbing Severus felt as gentle arms led him away from the bed, then as they helped him into a chair. Pushing the matron away from him, Severus pleaded with her, “No, Poppy, I need to stay with him. I can’t leave.”

“You aren’t going anywhere, Severus, but you must pull yourself together. What do you think Harry will think about you acting this way? He needs us to be strong and help him. And may Merlin forgive me, but I completely failed to realise that this must be having a detrimental effect on your body as well. Harry is not the only one who has lost some of his magic. You should be in here as well, and not getting yourself all worked up.”

Severus looked up at the matron and weakly smiled. “Me? Be strong? I am not strong at all, Poppy. But I’ll do anything to help him -- anything. And I’ll be fine. I’m an adult and will be able to manage with what I have left. It is Harry who we need to be worried about.”

“Well then you can start by not letting him see you falling apart, Severus. Merlin, I knew you and he had grown close, but I had no idea just how close the two of you had become.”

Severus wiped his eyes and looked stoically at Poppy. “Harry is the only reason I am still here; if it were not for him, I would be gone now. So, if he dies, I’ll follow him, and not you, Albus, or anyone else, will be able to stop me. Please, Poppy, let me see him; I need to see him.”

After he had been led back into the room where Harry was laying, Severus sat down beside Harry on the bed and stroked the pale hand that reached up to him, with his thumb. “Harry, you will be alright, don’t even think that you won’t.”

Harry looked at Poppy and then Severus. “Madam Pomfrey, may I please talk to Professor Snape alone?” Harry managed to whisper loud enough for the other two to hear. When he heard the door shutting, he looked at Severus with tear-filled eyes and began trying to speak, but couldn’t. He watched as his former professor helped him drink a few sips of water, and then continued, “I’m so sorry, Professor, so sorry. How could Lucius have killed his own son? He knew exactly what he was doing.”

Severus nodded and looked sadly at Harry. “There are no words to convey how evil that man was, Harry."

“But why? I can understand him wanting to get back at you for not wanting him, and even me, for not wanting his son, but what did Draco do to deserve what he got?”

“Not a single thing, Harry. Draco had no clue about any of this, and certainly did not deserve the fate handed him. I cannot even begin to imagine what Lucius’s thinking was.”

“Draco knew he was going to die; he told me, but how are you alive? I saw Draco’s father sending the killing curse towards you at the same time you sent it to him.”

“He didn’t complete the words, Harry; he stopped after Avada -- he knew he was going to die at my hands -- that was part of his plan. He knew exactly what it would do to me, you, and oh yes, he most certainly knew what it was going to do to his son. He was pure evil Harry, and I am only sorry I did not figure everything out beforehand.”

“You couldn’t have known, Professor, so don’t blame yourself. He did what he did, and now we just have to live with the consequences. So, I guess from the way I am feeling, I’ve lost a great deal of my magic?”

Harry rolled his eyes at the startled look on the pale man’s face. “One day last year, Hermione and I were doing research in the library, or I guess I should say Hermione was. I was just there, but anyway, I was helping her find information on rare wizarding traits, and found this book detailing wizarding bonds. It did not go into much detail, but enough for me to now know that Draco and I shared a bond that allowed us to conceive, and our magic combined. And I also know that the parents and child each share their magic, and if one is killed, each of the other two loses about a third of their magic, then if another is killed, another third is lost, so that is what happened to Draco, and you as well, but Draco couldn’t live without the lost magic. I feel weak, Professor, I can feel my body losing strength, and you have lost more magic than I have. You must be feeling the effects more than I am. I’m sorry, Professor; I’m sorry for everything.”

“I’ll be fine, please do not worry about me. I am an adult, and as such, can function well enough to carry on as normal, and Harry, you are not to blame for any of this, and I refuse to allow you to think you are.”

“Yeah, well, if I hadn’t looked in your Pensieve, none of the stuff that followed would have happened, so yeah, Professor, I’d say this is all my fault.”

Severus raised his voice, louder than he intended. “You are not to blame, Mr Potter. I am, understand?”

Harry turned over and buried his head in his pillow, and allowed more tears to fall. No matter what anyone said, it was his fault, it was all his fault. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m--” Harry felt as his body was picked up and settled against what he knew was his professor’s chest. He remained quiet for a few seconds, but then buried his head in the thick robes and began crying out words that were indiscernible.

Severus sat on Harry’s hospital bed rocking the shaking Gryffindor in his arms as he ran his hands through the matted hair on the warm forehead, and whispered to the now uncontrollably crying Gryffindor. “I’ll take care of you, Harry, don’t worry; I’ll take care of you. Oh Merlin, I love you, Harry. Don’t leave me.”

~*~

  


**Chapter Fifteen: The Wrath of Misguided Love**

  
Harry opened his eyes, shutting them immediately as soon as the early morning sunlight coming from the uncovered window invaded them, and the pain in his head began anew. Moving his arm slightly, he hit something warm, and realised it was an arm, and not his. He was not alone in his bed, and that perplexed the groggy boy. Harry knew he was in the hospital wing, but who was lying next to him?

Slowly turning over while trying not to awaken the person whose long arms were surrounding him securely, was not an easy task, but Harry managed it. Finally, he was facing the other person, and when he saw whom it was, he almost allowed a scream to escape his throat, but managed to quell it. Snape was sleeping, very soundly by the looks of it, and as Harry had already noted, his former professor’s long arms were wrapped around him.

_Why would Snape be in my bed_? Harry tried to remember what had happened before he had fallen asleep the previous night, but everything was muddled; his head was still throbbing, and he needed to use the loo. He attempted to get out of the bed himself, but knew immediately as he attempted to sit up, that he would not be able to complete the task alone. He was dizzy and shivering, but he really needed to relieve himself. He looked at the sleeping man beside him and thought about waking him, but couldn’t bring himself to do so. Harry relaxed once again and turned back to the position he had awoken in, and gently scooted nearer the other man’s body, which was warm, and shut his eyes. Perhaps he could fall asleep again. He was still freezing, but the warmth of Snape’s body was helping. He was almost asleep when he felt his former professor’s arms tighten around him, and smiled. He did feel safe with Snape, and he knew the man would always be there for him. It didn’t take long before he drifted off into a restful sleep.

~*~

Severus had awakened much earlier in the morning, hearing and feeling a restless Harry tossing and turning in the bed. He had summoned a phial of Dreamless Sleep and helped a disoriented Harry drink it, and within seconds, the boy had fallen asleep, lying in his arms. Running his hands through the matted hair, Severus shook his head sadly.

  
Looking down at the peaceful young man, Severus had come to the realisation that he didn’t merely care for Harry...he genuinely loved him. It wasn’t a romantic love -- it was more of a nurturing love. Severus wanted to help Harry and make him realise how special he was to everyone. Severus was not blind to his own reactions to the boy, or young man, however. He had a feeling that if their situation was somewhat different, and their ages more compatible, the love he had for Harry could easily grow into desire and romantic love, but even now, it was an all-consuming love, one that Severus really could not understand nor explain to himself or anyone else. Confusing as it was, Severus knew that he loved Harry, and nothing would ever change that. He had never cared so much about anything or anyone in his entire life._ Why do you affect me so, Harry? You look into my eyes and I see so much pain. How can it be that you can stand looking into my eyes when it is me who caused it all_? Eventually, Severus was lulled into sleep again by Harry’s steady breathing.

Waking up a few hours later, and seeing the room filled with sunlight, Severus carefully extricated his arms from around Harry and stood up, then bent over and placed a kiss on the sleeping boy’s forehead as he whispered, “I’ll never leave you, Harry, never.” He found a few more quilts and placed them over Harry, then closed the window curtains as he continued to watch the sleeping figure. He needed to leave, to go meet with Albus, but he didn’t want to.

Sitting in the chair by Harry’s bed, holding the younger wizard’s hand, Severus watched the rise and fall of the still much too thin chest and tried to make sense of everything. He was interrupted from his thoughts when there was a soft knock at the door. Pointing his wand at the door, he cast a revealing spell, and then opened it, once he had discovered that it was Bill Weasley waiting outside.

“Good morning, Bill. What brings you here this early in the morning?”

“I wanted to see how Harry was doing. I just returned from Germany yesterday. Mum had kept what happened to Harry from me while I was gone because she knew I would have returned immediately. How is he?”

Severus told Bill everything that had happened and informed him of Harry’s current condition and prognosis. He watched as the tall man’s demeanor changed, and saw the worry etched in his face. It was easy for Severus to see how much the eldest Weasley cared for Harry. “Bill, may I ask you a question?”

‘Sure.”

“Why are you suddenly so concerned about Harry?”

“I um...well sir, I promised Remus I would look after him, but also, he needs all the help he can get right now, and he is going through a rough time. I can sort of identify with him, so if I can help, I will.”

Severus nodded and then motioned towards the door. The two left the room and sat down in the main room. Severus wasn’t sure what he wanted to say, but he had to say something. “I trust you, Bill. I know you wouldn’t hurt Harry.”

“You trust me, with Harry? But, why?”

Severus furrowed a brow. “Why shouldn’t I trust you, Bill?”

“Oh, you can trust him with me, I would never hurt him. I just thought you and he were getting closer...” Bill trailed off suddenly, and blushed. “…and I thought maybe-- "

Severus’s eyes opened wide and he gave the other man an incredulous look. “Harry and I are becoming closer, Mr Weasley, but it is not as you seem to think. Am I to infer from your last statement that you thought Harry and myself were in a relationship?” Severus was floored that anyone would think such a thing.

Bill shrugged. “Well, maybe not yet, sir, but I did think perhaps the two of you were getting closer and may one day become involved.”

Severus allowed a mirthless laugh to escape. “Harry and I, together? Bill, he has been through hell and more. I would not think he would even be near ready to get into any type of a physical relationship, especially with me.”

“I’m sorry, sir. When I first walked in, the way you were looking at him and holding his hand, I just guess I jumped to the wrong conclusion.”

Severus shook his head and headed back into the room Harry was in, but as they were entering, Severus turned around and looked Bill straight in the eyes. “If you love him, truly love him, then help him; help him learn how to trust and love again. That is what he needs most. Until he feels worthwhile, he will not recover. I did all I could, but it wasn’t enough. Please help him.”

“I’ll do whatever I can do. How can I help?”

Severus offered the man a slight smile, and said in a matter-of-fact manner, “Just be there for him, and let him talk to you. He has Minerva, your mother, Albus, myself, Miss Granger and your brother, Ron, but he needs someone he can relate to. I think you are that person, Bill. Harry needs to feel comfortable talking, and you two seem to get on well.”

“Sure, I’ll do what I can. I don’t have any plans today, so if you need me, I can help now.”

Severus smiled genuinely at Bill. “Actually I do have a few things I need to take care of. If you don’t mind, you can start by getting him outdoors; he needs fresh air. He hasn’t been out of here since...Draco,” said a much more subdued Severus. It was difficult for him to think about his son, and it hurt him to speak his name. “I think it would do Harry good to get out for a few hours. He’ll not want to go, but Bill, I know if anyone can help him, you can. He cares deeply for you.”

“Thank you for telling me that, sir. I’ll do my best.”

Severus nodded as he approached Harry’s bed. “I need to go meet with Professor Dumbledore if you are sure you are okay with keeping Harry company for a few hours; I’ll be back this afternoon to sit with him again, but if anything happens to him before I return, anything at all, you let Dobby know, alright? He knows how to get in contact with me.” Receiving a nod from Bill in response, Severus leaned over the sleeping figure of Harry and brushed some fringe away from his forehead, then kissed his cheek and whispered, “Let him help you.”

~*~

The next time Harry woke, the other side of the bed was empty, and Harry noticed that he was covered with several blankets, and they felt good as he was still shivering. Harry managed to sit up in the bed and squinted around, trying to see if anyone was near, and felt his glasses being perched on his nose. Once his eyes acclimated to the dimness of the room, Harry managed a small smile.  “Thanks.”

“So, are you feeling any better?”

Harry shook his head and shrugged his shoulders. “Not really. I just don’t have any energy to do anything, Bill. I am so far behind in my lessons, and I can’t do anything it seems, without help, or without me ending up in either a rage or crying fit.” Harry watched as Bill sat on the edge of his bed, and could tell the other was about to say something he probably didn't want to hear.

“Professor Snape thinks that you need some fresh air; he said you haven’t been outdoors in a while and asked me if I would take you out for some fresh air, and I’d really enjoy it myself. Would that be okay with you?”

Harry nodded and briefly smiled. “Yeah, I think that would be nice, but first I need to use the loo.” Harry swung his feet around and made to get off the bed, stumbling suddenly, but Bill caught him as he began to fall.

“Careful, Harry. You haven’t walked in quite a while; perhaps I should carry you.”

Harry looked indignantly at the eldest Weasley. “Carry me? I’m not sodding helpless, you know. I can walk.”

After taking care of his business, a tired Harry, and a hopeful Bill, left the private room. They had entered the main room, and were approaching the door, when Harry fell. “Bugger.” Harry shook his head and felt like screaming. “I can’t sodding do anything.”

Bill didn’t ask for permission; he found his wand and erected a silencing and invisibility charm around him and Harry before picking the much too light Gryffindor up and departing the hospital wing. “You are obviously not aware of what has been happening to your body, but don’t worry, we’ll get you all better.”

Harry’s head shot up and he started panicking. He wanted Bill to put him down. He was almost positive that the other would never hurt him, but still he didn’t like the close contact, but after he closed his eyes and took in a few deep breaths, he managed to calm himself somewhat, and then he sneered at Bill. “Excuse me? I know that when Draco died, I lost about a third of my magic, which had already been diminished when our baby died, and oh yeah, I was raped too and that weakened me, so yeah, I guess I do know what has happened to me and my body, Bill.”

“Well, you also need to know that you are going to have to relearn how to do much of your magic now; everything has been shifted and you will have to compensate for what has been lost. Until you do, you will have a very difficult time doing the most menial of activities. And, Harry, I would never hurt you, you know that. Please don’t be scared of me.”

Harry looked at Bill and nodded his head. He was having a difficult time believing him, but the look of concern told him that what Bill was saying was indeed correct about not ever hurting him, but he couldn’t accept that his magic was weak. “No, I was okay, Bill. I walked all the way to Snape’s office that same day. I was fine.”

Harry heard voices as the two of them entered the Entrance Hall, and turned his head in time to see a group of students entering the castle; it was in between lessons, and soon there were students filling the room. Hearing Bill’s voice, Harry returned his attention to the man who was carrying him as if he were a child.

“Yes, Harry, you were fine, but the way I understand it, you were working off of adrenaline that day, and once that departed, you were left with what you have now. You’ll get better; it will just take time.”

Harry frowned and turned his head away from Bill’s sad looking face. “What about Professor Snape? What about his magic? Um, do you know that Draco was his son? He has lost more magic then me.”

“Yes, Mum told me everything this morning, and Professor Snape will be fine; he is a fully grown wizard. The effects of his loss will be felt, but not to the degree that yours will.”

They were now outdoors, and Harry was thanking the invisibility and silencing charms that Bill had erected around them as he did not feel like talking with anyone. When they had reached their destination, Bill lowered Harry down to the ground and sat beside him underneath the Beech tree on the edge of the lake.

Harry had been carefully watching Bill and knew that Ron’s oldest brother really did care for him. He had resented being carried, but he had felt safe in Bill’s arms, eventually, after his initial fear, and he did need someone else to confide in, and he knew Bill would be someone whom he could trust with anything. “Will you help me get my strength back, Bill?”

“You know I will, and so will Professor Snape.”

Harry laughed aloud. “You know, I hated him so much, more than I thought I could ever hate anyone. But now I don’t know what to think anymore, Bill. This morning when I woke up, I was in my hospital bed, lying in his arms. It was so...I don’t know, but I felt so safe.”

“Were you afraid when you noticed a male was in your bed with you?”

“Yeah...I almost screamed, but then it was okay. I knew he wasn’t going to hurt me, Bill, and I felt comfortable, maybe for the first time since the rapes.”

“I’m really happy to hear that, Harry.”

“Why is he so concerned about what happens to me?”

“I don’t know that I can answer that, Harry, but I do know he cares very much for you. This morning when I walked into the hospital wing, he was sitting in a chair by your bed, holding your hand. He looked so lost, Harry, pretty much like you do right now.”

“I think he feels obligated to help me, and I don’t want him to, Bill. Everyone always has to make concessions for me, and I hate it. I want to be treated normally.”

~*~

After returning to his private chambers, where he showered, put on fresh robes, and grabbed a bite to eat, Severus made his way up to Dumbledore’s office and opened the door. His eyes skirted around the room and he took in a deep breath, and then released it. Minerva, who was sitting across from the Headmaster, had looked at him when he opened the door, with sadness in her eyes. _It can’t be good if she is looking so morose_. Severus glanced at the Headmaster with what he knew was a pleading look on his face, imploring the older man to explain this.

“Hello, Severus. I know you came up here at my request for tea, but something has come up that I am afraid we must deal with, but I think you should sit down before we begin; there’s something you need to see. Believe me, if there was any other way, you wouldn’t have to, but there is nothing to be done. You have to see it.”

Severus’s eyes were still scanning the room, and he gulped and felt as the large lump in his throat stuck as his eyes settled on a black piece of parchment lying on the Headmaster’s desk.

He wasn’t sure how he knew what it was, but he did. Years of servitude to the bastard known as the Dark Lord had prepared him for many things, getting revenge and the last word in, being among the most important qualities ingrained into each of them, above all others. Severus closed his eyes and took in another deep breath before steeling himself for what was sure to come. He watched as if in slow motion as the usually twinkling eyed man picked up the parchment and stood up to hand it to him. Shakily extending his hand, Severus felt as the rough parchment was placed in it, and felt like screaming. He did not want to open this, and most certainly he did not want to watch or listen.

How many times had he heard the vindictive and vengeful words of Death Eaters who had been wronged? How many times had he been the one to do the sending and the one to do the reaming out? But, this was even beyond all that Severus had been exposed to, as this was the most sophisticated and most difficult dark magic Severus knew of, and to his knowledge, not even the Death Eaters had ever resorted to it...until now.

Lucius Malfoy, former Slytherin and former Death Eater...knew he was going to die, and had decided to leave Severus something to remember him by.

Severus held the black parchment in his shaking hands and looked pleadingly at Albus. “I want to hear what he has to say, but alone, please, Albus.”

Albus and Minerva reluctantly left Severus alone.

After placing silencing and locking charms, Severus sat down in his chair and studied the black parchment. _Come on Severus, just get it over with._ He felt a tear running down his face, and roughly wiped it away, but knew he was not going to win that battle. _Do it now, Severus._

Severus took a deep breath before opening the parchment. He knew that the words were not going to be ones he wanted to hear, but he had no choice. He had to know why. Severus opened the black parchment and tried to prepare himself for what was to come.

He swallowed when he saw the vapor form of Lucius Malfoy appear, and physically thought he was going to be ill as he heard the familiar voice beginning to yell at him, only inches away from his face.

  
_Snape -_

You bastard._ You are as sorry and as worthless as everyone has always told you. I cannot fathom what I ever saw in you that would allow me to tarnish my body with the likes of your immature little arse, but alas, I had to, so I did. But, I could not ruin my reputation by allowing others to know I needed someone as naïve and innocent as you; after all, you were a sodding little seventh year and I had been long gone, so what was I to do, Severus? Ah, yes...the rape...who would ever have guessed it was all a ruse for me to bed you. Oh yes, we did rough you up some, but you were accustomed to it, were you not? You probably secretly loved it when I slammed into you without any preparation. You always were a sick fuck._

Well, I always get what I want, and you were no different. I knew I would have you and what you could give to me, and I did, and no one ever suspected anything.

Do you want to know why a fine young aristocratic man such as me would want to dirty himself by burying himself inside of a freak’s arse? Do you? Well, you’re going to, Severus. You’re going to listen to every word I say and oh yes, I know...boohoo...you’ll be crying; hell, you’re probably already crying. You are such the baby, Snape. So why don’t you just sit back and relax and listen to my story. You might even learn something.

Dear old Sevvie Pie...I knew by fucking you, hell, I didn’t even have to fuck you, but I wanted to be sure, that I would become pregnant and have a child, a most powerful child -- a child that would ensure my place in history. And I did. I had Draco. Of course Narcissa thought she was his mother, and I never let her think otherwise, but you were his father...you gave him life.

I was never going to tell you any of this; why would I want to when I could have everything I have ever wanted? But, of course you changed all of my plans when you ruined my son’s life, and make no bones about it, you did ruin his life. You managed to get my son expelled, and in the process, you completely jeopardized his mere existence. I never intended on my son following that bastard after he graduated, I instead had other plans for him and myself, but until then, Draco’s only chance at a safe and normal life was if he was protected by Voldemort, that is as long as he proved useful and as long as I did not let on that my son had any special powers.

But he was expelled, and that made him useless in that bastard’s eyes. Do you know that the Dark Lord wanted me to kill my son as soon as he found out? I managed to stall him, and we performed the removal of his Dark Mark instead. I was scared to death.  I knew he would probably die from that, but fortunately, he didn’t. Then of course, we found out that Draco had been pregnant.

Oh you would think I would have been furious with the idea, but if you thought that, you would be wrong. Instead, I was furious at you because you caused my son to lose his baby. Oh yes, I was still very upset with you for putting my son in such a situation, but if he had carried that baby to term and had it, believe me, my little whore, I would have rewarded you greatly. If you had not intervened and gone to Albus about the rapes, Draco would have had his baby and would not be targeted by Death Eaters, who always get what they want.

However, that is not what happened, is it? Why, Severus? I thought you hated Potter; so why did you go running to Dumbledore? And certainly you had to know my son’s value to Voldemort would be greatly lessened afterwards. Were you not thinking, or do you want him to be killed?

Draco has no idea of any of this, and I am truly sorry he has to pay the ultimate price. I never wanted my son dead, Snape, but I sure as hell am not going to let those imbecilic Death Eaters kill him. I know it is only a matter of time; they are beginning to question my loyalty, so I had to think of something to do. Then you came to mind, and everything fell into place. And, I must say, I think it is a brilliant plan. I want you to pay for what you did to my son, and what better way than to have you kill him yourself? Poor, Poor Sevvie. You are going to kill your own flesh and blood. How ever will you live with yourself?

Ah, but you ask why do I want to sacrifice my life as well? I know you well. I had pinned all of my hopes and dreams on my son, and together we could have been powerful. And his son would have only increased our power. Without him, I do not see why I would possibly want to live.

You see, I do love my son, no matter what you or anyone else may think. I know I was and am not a good father, and I know I do not pay him as much attention as you have. He respects and loves you, and I so want him to respect and love me. It may not make any sense to you, but I would rather not be here if he isn’t.

You know that my son has been targeted by Death Eaters and you also know there is no way he will be able to get away from them; they are too numerous. Therefore, this is the way it has to be.

Well that is it, Snape. I knew you would want to know why, so there it is. To put it in simple terms, I love my son and never let anyone get away with hurting him. You hurt him, Snape, so I am going to hurt you. Oh, and one last thing, you are wondering how I knew I could get pregnant? Haha — thank the founders. That is all I will say...

Farewell my little slut lover; have a miserable life.

Lucius

  
Severus watched as the parchment burst into flames and disappeared into thin air. He sat staring straight ahead, not knowing what to do. What Lucius had said made no sense, but then again, it made perfect sense. If it had not been for him, none of this would have happened.

But, he knew deep down that regardless of what had happened, Lucius was an evil person; only an evil person could have their son killed. But knowing and believing were two different things and Severus wasn’t sure if he believed that he was not to blame for all of this.

Deciding that he would deal with his feelings later, Severus pointed his wand and released the silencing and locking charms, then opened Albus’s side door. “You may come in now.” Severus watched the two reenter the room, and could not help but notice how pale Minerva looked. “Are you ill, Minerva?”

“Oh, no, Severus, I’ll be fine. It is you we want to know about. What did that monster have to say? It had to have been Lucius, am I correct?”

“Yes, it was Lucius.” Severus then told the two most of what had been said to him, but left out a few details.

Minerva seemed more upset than she had been in a long while, which worried Severus. She pleaded with him to talk about how the letter had made him feel, but that was not something he was ever going to discuss, and even if he wanted to, he was worried about Minerva’s health. “You really should go have yourself checked over by Poppy. You look very pale, Minerva.”

“Yes, perhaps I will. Will you two gentlemen excuse me?”

Severus watched as the only person who had ever genuinely cared about him, left the Headmaster’s office. “What is wrong with her?”

“I do not know. All I can tell you is she has been this way for the last couple of weeks. She keeps telling me it is a cold, but between you and me, Severus, I have a feeling it is much more complicated than that.”

Severus nodded and let out a breath as he stood and faced Albus. “I should be going; Bill is with Harry, and I want to see how things are going between them.” He watched as the older man stood as well, and then watched as he walked around his desk and laid a hand on his shoulder.

“Severus, I know we have our disagreements, but I want you to know that I am always here for you. I am so sorry that you had to listen to Lucius today, and I know you did not tell us everything he said, which is perfectly fine, my boy, but I want you to know, you are not to blame for Draco’s death, and do not ever think you were. Lucius knew how to play people, and even death has not quelled that it seems. I’ll see you this evening at dinner?”

Severus nodded then left. Albus had not asked about Harry one time, which upset Severus._ What is going on? He seems genuinely concerned about me, but he doesn’t even ask how his former golden child is doing._

Severus left the castle to find Bill and Harry, and it did not take him long; they were sitting underneath the tree by the lake. When he was halfway there, he watched as Harry turned his head to face him, and couldn't help but smile when he noticed the grin on Harry's face. The Severus couldn’t believe that this young man, who was until very recently his most loathed student, now brought out such strong emotions in him. He knew he would do anything Harry asked.

~*~

  


**Chapter Sixteen: Help Wanted...Position Filled**

  
Severus stood outside the door awaiting Poppy’s decision regarding Harry’s being allowed to leave. Harry had only been awake little more than a day, and the former Potions professor didn’t think him ready to resume classes, however, what Harry wanted, Harry usually got, and this would more than likely be no different. Severus wondered why it even bothered him so much...this was after all, Potter.

Yes, he had grown closer to Harry and did want to help him, but was hindering instead of helping, in his opinion, and Severus thought the best thing for everyone would be for him to leave Hogwarts and distance himself from everyone. The mixed signals he was receiving regarding helping his former nemeses were getting to be too much and he needed to get away from it all. He was damned either way; Harry was dependent on him, and he, on Harry.

Harry had been, and still was, lost. He had reached out to Severus, unwillingly at first, and Severus had tried his best to help him. Even if Severus really did want to leave now, he couldn’t. He knew he had gone too far and there was no going back. He would do anything to protect Harry, and would kill anyone who got in his way. His feelings were still far too muddled for him to discern just what he felt for Harry, but he knew he would give his life if it meant helping the Gryffindor, and if that meant leaving in the future, he would. However, he knew Dumbledore would never allow that to happen, therefore, Severus had been and would continue, to be forced to see the Harry Potter that had been left behind after the rapes...and that more than anything else, that spoke volumes as to why he would never be allowed to leave.

Severus was not happy and had not had a good day; seeing Harry looking somewhat happy out by the lake earlier had been the only positive moment. Hearing Lucius had completely unsettled him, and had caused him to rethink everything that had happened. He wanted to remove the memory from his mind and never have to think about it again, and he planned to do just that, but not now. He knew he had to deal with what he had heard. Part of him wanted Harry to view it, to see how evil Lucius really was, but he did not want Harry to think he was doing this to show him how much better he was than Lucius, because that is not what Severus believed -- he wanted Harry to see what Lucius had said because Harry was blaming himself for all of this, and Severus would not allow him to continue doing so. He would wait and see how Harry reacted over the next few days, and would let that dictate whether or not he would show him what Lucius had told him.

  
When he had seen Harry and Bill sitting by the lake earlier in the day, and when Harry smiled at him, Severus thought that finally things might be getting better, but it hadn’t taken long for him to realise that things were getting worse. Severus had joined the two, but immediately sensed something was wrong with Harry.  He had caught Bill’s attention and pleaded with his eyes for him to leave so he could talk to Harry.

Bill had seemed to understand, and he told Harry he needed to leave, but would be back in a few days to see him.

Harry had then nodded and looked at Severus with watery eyes.  It was difficult for Severus to think about what had happened next.

  


_“Bill, may I have a word with you before you leave, please?”_

Bill nodded and joined the other man a few feet away from Harry, and whispered, “Professor, he was fine earlier, and then all of a sudden he became so sad. I’ve tried cheering him up, but nothing helped, but when he saw you, I could see the smile that broke out across his face. I don’t know what happened, but I am beginning to understand why you are the one spending so much time with him. He seems to trust you; I really do hope you can help him.”

“Me too, Bill,” Severus said as he looked back over his shoulder at the sad look on Harry’s face. He knew they were all dealing with this situation very badly. Harry needed stability -- he needed to remain in one place and have some order returned to his life. Perhaps if he resumed lessons, it would help, but then again, Severus thought that would be too much for Harry to deal with.

After Bill left, Severus sat down beside the sullen looking Gryffindor, but did not say anything, wanting Harry to be the one to open up to him. If he was the one always prompting Harry, then he could never be sure if Harry was really wanting to talk to him, or if he thought he had no choice.

An idea came to Severus and he stood up, acting as if he were about to leave, but he hadn’t taken five steps when he felt a tug on his robes. Turning around, he saw Harry staring at him wide-eyed, with two tears running down his cheeks.

“Don’t leave me, please.”

Severus shook his head and very slowly opened his arms, wanting Harry to know he was there and wanted to help him, but also wanting him to know it was his decision. He was soon holding Harry to him and trying to hush the now crying Gryffindor. After the sobs had become only occasional gasps, Severus sat down on the ground with his bundle and pulled back so that he could look into the green eyes. “What happened, Harry?” Severus watched as those green eyes met his, and as more tears began to fall.

“Please help me, Professor,” Harry wailed out in between sobs. “I need you to help me.”

Severus lifted Harry’s chin and studied the green eyes, looking for what, he wasn’t quite sure, then nodded and smiled. “I’ll help you, Harry, but you have to let me in.” Severus wasn’t sure what had precipitated this, but it was the first time Harry had reached out to him in such a desperate way since Draco had died. It was a step in the right direction, and Severus hoped they kept on the same path and had no further setbacks.

Harry tried to smile, and then shook his head. “I can’t sleep without seeing Draco falling, its just like when Cedric and Sirius-- I see it over and over again, and no matter how much I call Draco’s name, there is no answer, and I dream about our son who keeps calling out for me, but whenever I try to reach him, I am always stopped. Then last night...I had a bad dream -- a new one, with Draco’s father. He was laughing at me and telling me this was all my fault. Professor, I can’t go on like this. I know I have been depressed since this all began, but until now I guess I thought I could handle it myself. But I can’t.”

Severus continued holding Harry as he ran his hands through the boy’s hair. “You’ll move into the dungeon; that is the only way I can help you. Does that sound okay to you?” Receiving a small nod, Severus continued. “Of course I have to get the Headmaster to approve this, and he may not, Harry. But I will help you as best I can in whatever capacity I am allowed to.”

Severus looked down at Harry and knew he wasn’t going to receive any further response. He stood up with Harry and walked back to the castle, not knowing what was to come. He had known Harry had to ask him for help before he could offer the true help the young man needed, but he was not sure if he was prepared to do what was necessary.  


Severus was brought back to the present when the door to the private room Harry had been occupying, opened. Severus watched as Harry nodded to someone on the other side of the door before stepping through the doorway and walking past him and out of the hospital wing, not saying a word, tears running down his face.

“He can return to classes Severus.”

Severus shook his head at Poppy, who had followed Harry out of the room. He was furious; Harry was unwell.  “Perhaps you and the Headmaster think he is well enough to return to his lessons, Poppy, but I surely do not, and I refuse to allow him to fall any further. If anyone asks where he is, tell them he is in my rooms until we can make arrangements to move him to another room.” Without another word, Severus swept out of the room and found Harry sitting on the floor. “Come with me, Harry.”

A few hours later, a slightly tousled Harry emerged from Severus’s bedroom and announced his presence by sitting on the end of the sofa where the man was napping. Seeing the man’s eyes fluttering open, Harry sighed and glared at the still half-asleep man. “You’re not going to let me go back to lessons, are you? I’ll never be able to catch up.”

Severus blinked a few times and then sat up. “Unfortunately, that is out of my hands. Yes, you will rejoin your year-mates and resume your lessons. I will be the one supplementing the lessons with what all you have missed, which is quite substantial. However, with you and me continuing our lessons through the summer, by next September you should be caught up with the rest of your year.”

Harry’s face lit up. “I don’t have to return to the Dursleys’?”

Shaking his head with a slight smirk, Severus sighed. “You will never be returning to that lot, Harry. I have imbued the wards from Number 4 Privet Drive with magical links that are activated by your inner-magical signature, which will automatically attract the charged particles to you, thus protecting you wherever you are, from any harm.”

Harry hadn’t understood a word that had been said regarding the wards, but he knew he was now safe and that is all that mattered.  He sighed, put his head in his hands, and mumbled. “I hate being the sodding Boy-Who-Lived, and wish I could be treated normally, but if it is going to keep me here with you, then I’m happy.”

Severus raised a brow and looked at Harry for further explanation.

“You make me feel normal. When I’m with you, I don’t have a problem. WE don’t have a problem. I don’t have to pretend around you like I do with everyone else, even Ron and Hermione.”

Severus was speechless. The two of them had gone back and forth over the past few months, at times getting along perfectly well, while at others, not speaking. Severus had never spoken about this however because he wanted Harry to be the one to dictate the extent of their relationship. Perhaps, things were finally moving in the right direction.

If Severus wanted Harry to open up to him completely, however, then he needed to let Harry know that the trust would go both ways, and that Harry wouldn’t be the only one who would be talking about his past.

“No, I guess you and I do not have as many differences as we may have thought, Harry, but I do hope you can get past what has happened so you can be happy. I would give anything if I could do that.”

Harry stared into the fire. “But you did turn away from Voldemort; that is something good. You would be much unhappier if you were still with him.”

“Or dead,” Severus said with no emotion.

“Why did you hate me so much when you saw me, Professor, that first day?”

Severus was caught off guard by the sudden change in subject. He turned to look into the curious eyes and shook his head before standing up and approaching the fire to warm his hands. “You can’t imagine what it was like to see your face. When I saw you sitting on that stool waiting for the hat to sort you, all I could see were rough hands forcing me to the ground, and that voice taunting me as he slammed into me. I knew it wasn’t you; he was older, taller, and much stronger than you could possibly have been at that time, but those memories were so vivid...are so vivid...you just can’t imagine the fear and hatred and loneliness and doubt and self loathing that seeing you evoked in me. I knew it was wrong, but there was not anything I could do to stop myself from loathing you.

"Your father and his friends were cruel to me in school and teased me endlessly, but that alone would never have evoked such derogatory feelings from me, towards you. I am well aware, as I was then, that it was not your father and his friends who raped me, but you have to understand, it was their faces I saw, their voices I heard, their-- it was them, Harry. I know it really wasn’t, but that is who I saw then, and it is who I see now when I fall asleep.

"Until I saw you unconscious lying in your blood that morning, I hated you, but in that instant, I knew I had been wrong and knew my hatred of you had probably killed you. I couldn’t live with that, and had you died, I would surely have followed you. I have done grievous things for the Dark Lord and I have done them willingly, but never ever in my life had blind fury so consumed me that I could not see what the reality was."

“Well, Professor, nothing has changed. I still look like my father.”

Severus nodded his head and took a deep breath as he sat down again. “Yes, you still look like your father. In fact now you look almost identical to your father. However, I know it wasn’t him, and most assuredly I know it wasn’t you who raped me. I cannot understand how I could have been so lost, but I was. It took you almost dying to show me how much of a bastard I had become.”

“Glad I could help,” said a slightly smirking Harry. “Yeah, you were pretty rotten to me, and I never did understand why. Maybe I do now, I don’t really know, but I can say I do know how you feel about what happened to you. At least I can empathize.”

Severus nodded, but in his mind, he knew the young man had no idea, but would in time. It hadn’t even been a year since Harry had been through the rapes, and it had been almost nineteen years for Severus -- nineteen years of hell, of nightmares, of feeling dirty and of having absolutely no sexual arousal whatsoever. It had taken him a long time before he could even consider the act of stimulating himself, but even when he had finally tried that, nothing had happened. If Harry’s life held the same fate for him, it would be a very long road ahead.

~*~

Harry’s progress continued to vacillate over the next several months. He was much more at ease around others, and was not as skittish, but the smallest event could set him back, and those seemed to happen more and more towards the end of term.

One day Severus entered his bathroom and caught Harry holding his wand to his head, muttering indiscernible words. Severus had to restrain himself from screaming when he realised what Harry had been about to do. He called Minerva to stay with Harry, and went directly to the Headmaster.

“We are not doing enough for him, Albus. I am taking him to the _One In Four*_ meeting tomorrow in London; I have read some literature on it, and it is exactly what Harry needs. The two of us will be attending the support group twice a week. Not to worry, your darling Golden Boy will not be noticed as the two of us will both be wearing glamours.”

Severus saw the skeptical look on Albus’s face and hastened to cut the Headmaster off before he offered his opinion. “I know, I know, Albus....you keep saying he’ll get better, give him time. Well, it has been almost nine months and he is not any better than he was the day after the rapes happened...yes, he was RAPED; I will not act or speak as if he was not. Oh yes, he can act well, but you forget I have walked in his shoes, and I know he is not fine. I am sick to death of your intervening when it is convenient for you and maintaining your distance the remainder of the time. As of this moment, Harry is my responsibility. If you have a problem with that, take it to the Ministry, but I will tell you this one thing, Albus Dumbledore.  If Harry Potter ends up killing himself or if he is taken away from my care and does something grievous, I will kill you, and that is not a threat.”

  
~*~

Severus sat beside Harry as the two of them watched the small room fill with people, and could feel the nervous energy emanating from the Gryffindor. It had been a struggle to get Harry here, and Severus had practically had to carry the hysterical young man.

Harry refused to look over at his former professor and continued to wring his hands together as he tried to quell the tears from falling. He did not want to be here, not with all of these Muggles. He wanted to go back to how things had been, with Severus being his help, but he did understand that he had pushed the older man away and there really wasn’t much else anyone could do other than sending him to St. Mungo’s, and Harry did not want to go there.

Harry felt his arm being touched and he jerked it back before looking at Snape, who looked nothing like the Snape he was accustomed to seeing. They had gone through several different glamours before settling on their current looks. Severus wanted to be able to help Harry if any difficult situations arose, and did not want anyone looking strangely at the two of them if he tried to comfort Harry, so the two had decided to appear as twenty-year-old twins. They each had dark brown hair and blue eyes.

Harry slowly lifted his eyes and glared at Severus. “I don’t want to be here.”

“It is not something I look forward to any more than you, I assure you, but you will not be leaving, and neither will I. I think this is our only option...unless you want to go to--”

Harry shook his head vociferously and his face paled. “No, no, no, please don’t send me there, please don’t--”

Severus placed both hands on either side of Harry’s face and shook his head. “Harry, at this moment, what happens to you is my responsibility, but if they think I am not helping you, that responsibility will be taken from me and I’ll not be able to help you. Then it is completely out of my hands where you end up. Don’t you understand, Harry? I want to help and protect you, but if you won’t allow me to do that, I can’t say what will happen to you.”

Harry turned his head and watched peripherally as Severus’s hands fell back into his lap. Glancing around the now full circle of chairs, Harry looked back at his ‘twin.’ “I still don’t want to be here, but I’ll do what you think is best.”

Severus nodded then turned his attention to the man who had just begun to speak, and immediately felt much calmer. He had already spoken earlier with the man, whose name was Tony, and had explained their special circumstances. Normally individuals with the level of need with which Harry had, would first receive individual therapy and only when comfortable enough to be together with a group of others sharing similar problems, would the person be allowed to join a group such as this. Severus knew Harry would not react well at all to individual therapy and had somehow managed to convince Tony to allow them to join the group, assuring him that it would help Harry and him immensely. It did not hurt either that they had been referred by a very well-known Muggle Doctor who had married a Witch.

Severus listened to the man and hoped fervently that Harry would allow his guard to slip long enough to allow this man and these people to help him, but knew he was fighting an uphill battle. He, himself, had been so closed off from everyone for so long, and now here he was trying to tell Harry not to do what he had. It was hypocritical, but necessary.

Harry stared straight ahead, shaking with unshed tears. He wanted to get up and run. Why did he have to be here and why was he going to have to sit and listen to others tell stories similar to his? He didn’t want to think about it; didn’t Snape understand that? He wanted to forget everything about that day, and never wanted to talk about it, and damn it, he knew neither of those wants would materialize. He hated the man sitting next to him and never wanted to see him again, yet he craved the attention the man gave him. Snape cared about him. No one had ever truly cared about him other than his parents and then the Weasleys. For some reason, this man, who up until the rape, had hated him, now seemed to genuinely care what happened to him, which confused the hell out of Harry. _Why_?

He was suddenly jerked from his reverie as he felt a nudge from said man. Frowning, Harry rolled his eyes, but he did turn his attention to the man who had just begun to speak.

“...getting drugs, and they forced me through the open car door and then once the car stopped again, I was dragged outside and stripped of my clothes and raped repeatedly for over two hours while the ones currently not raping me beat and kicked me. I knew exactly who they were.  Eventually, they were all arrested and sent to jail. You’d think I would feel safe with them locked away, but I didn’t and don’t. I just know it will happen again.

“I was doing drugs. I was doing a bad thing and thought I had got what I deserved, but through Tony, I’ve discovered I didn’t deserve what happened to me. No matter what I was doing, they had no right to touch me, much less rape me. It was not my fault; it was theirs. It took me fifteen years to come to terms with everything, and still to this very day I can’t go out by myself. I know they’ll be there waiting for me. But when it happens again, at least I’ll know it’s not my fault. It will never be my fault. I was stupid to do the things I did, and sure, that put me in a bad situation, but no matter how bad off I was or no matter what I did to others to provoke them, their raping me was not justified. Rape is NEVER justified.”

Harry inwardly rolled his eyes. It was his fault. He had been the one to look into Snape’s Pensieve after all, and he deserved to be punished for it. He looked at Snape and shook his head. “I want to go.”

“Not until it is over, Harry. Just listen and we’ll leave when it is over.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders and raised his hand, immediately drawing the attention of everyone surrounding him and Severus.

“Yes, Jared, do you have anything you would like to share with us?”

Harry took a deep breath and glanced at a stunned Severus, who was staring wide-eyed and open-mouthed at him. “Yes, I do. I was raped by four of my year-mates. All of them are dead now, and you would think I would be happy about that, right? I’m miserable. They took everything away from me....EVERYTHING! My ba--” Harry stopped himself just before mentioning the baby. Distraught as he was, he knew his mentioning the baby would not be smart. “I have nothing...NOTHING!!!” Harry then ran out of the room, and once outside, he Disapparated, which he most certainly did not have permission to do.

Severus ran outside and began panicking._ Oh Merlin, please let him be okay. I really thought this was the best thing to do for him, but maybe it wasn’t_. Severus Apparated to the Hogwarts grounds, and ran all the way to the cliff, where sure enough, he found Harry, standing at the edge. Walking to the severely shaking young man, Severus slowly extended his hand. “Harry, take my hand, please.” He did not move; he would wait forever if he had to.

“You saw him and you heard him, Professor. It took him fifteen years to get to the point he is at now. I do not want to live this way for fifteen years; I can’t take it. I am just so alone, and now I feel hopeless as well. I know I am sick and need help, but I really did think it would get better soon. But it isn’t ever going to get better. I’m always going to be this way.”

Severus had to turn away as he felt his own tears beginning to fall. “I’m sorry, Harry, so sorry. I thought this would help you, and maybe me too, I really did. Merlin, please forgive me. I never want to hurt you.”

Turning around, Harry wiped at the tears and looked through his fingers at Snape. “Did it help you?”

Severus nodded. “Yes, actually I think it helped me quite a bit. I wasn’t doing anything bad when I was attacked, but I had disobeyed a direct order from my Master and the rapes were my punishment. I really have always thought I deserved that punishment, but today, for the first time, I realised it was not my fault at all.”

Harry took the proffered hand and allowed himself to be led from the cliff to the Beech tree, where they sat in the shade. “So, it only took you almost nineteen years then to get over it. I don’t know if I want to wait that long, Professor.”

“You do not have to wait that long, Harry, if you choose not to. It is your choice. I can help you, but the only way I know how, is to expose you to what has happened to others. You have been through hell this year, and whether you want to or not, you must talk about it. Even if you sit here at this very moment and tell me everything. I do not care who you talk to, but you MUST talk.”

Harry looked at the man sitting beside him, and smiled, genuinely smiled. “Professor. I want you to help me...really help me. So, um...can I tell you what happened?”

~*~

Harry opened his eyes and had to think a minute before remembering where he was. Sliding out of the bed, he walked to the door and opened it. His former professor was asleep on the sofa, a book draped across his chest. Harry found a blanket and placed it over the long and lean body before turning out the lamp beside the sofa. Harry wasn’t fully awake yet so sat in front of the fire and warmed his hands and feet before eventually falling asleep.

  
_“I don’t care what you do, Wormtail, but you MUST get to Snape...he will then lead us to the boy. You know who I want now, and I suggest you do not disappoint me, my new pet. Snape will pay for his sins, as will Mr Potter. Too bad my precious pet Lucius is no longer here; it would be quite fitting to have him punish our two little sinners, wouldn’t it? Oh well, some things are better left for me I guess; no one else would be able to properly punish the two. And who knows, we may get our little heir after all, Wormtail. I would be more powerful than I am now if I was to carry Mr Potter’s child. But it may be that we will just have to somehow force Snape and Potter to produce an heir and then I will simply take him as my own. Yes, I do think that will be best. No one said my heir had to be my own flesh and blood. But, before we can even think about an heir, I think it is time for you to pay a visit to the little bastard child, don’t you think?”_

  
Harry began screaming and kicking at the air with his feet, and even Severus could not get him to calm down. Eventually after about twenty minutes of constant reassurances that Harry would be all right, and after a phial of calming draught, Harry calmed enough to open his eyes, but he was still shaking. With wide eyes, the Gryffindor grasped Snape’s robes and pulled himself into the embrace of the very pale looking man. “Wormtail is going to come get you, and then me. Oh Merlin, Professor, Voldemort wants us to produce an heir for him. And then he said something about going to get the bastard child.”

Severus’s already pale face grew whiter by the second. “No, he can’t...he can’t...I won’t let him. Oh Merlin, how did he find out?” Severus then looked at the scared expression on Harry’s face and immediately schooled his face back to his normal look of apathy before he gathered Harry into his arms and carried him into the bedroom. “You need to rest; you are pushing yourself way too much. You asked me to help you, and I will, but on my terms. If I left it up to you, you would end up killing yourself, and I will NOT sit by and allow you to do such a thing.” After making sure Harry had fallen into a deep sleep, a very flustered and pale Severus then went out to the sitting room and flooed the Ministry of Magic. "Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Division...Arthur?”

As soon as the Weasley patriarch popped his head into the fire, Severus tensed. “He found out, Arthur; I don’t know how, but he did. You must make him leave and get as far away as possible. If Voldemort gets him, and if he is killed, it will destroy what little of Harry there is. Tell me you’ll make him go, please.”

~*~

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~*~

  


**Chapter Seventeen: Why?**

  
Severus entered his office and slammed the door before sitting down. _Bugger it all, he was telling the truth. What in Merlin’s name are we to do now_? Severus reached for his bottom drawer and opened it, and before he could begin to look for what he needed, his eyes immediately fell upon a piece of folded parchment, and he furrowed his brows. Nothing was ever out of order on his desk or in his office; everything had its position, so this piece of parchment was definitely out of place. Carefully extricating his wand from his sleeve, Severus ran a few charms over the folded parchment. There were no enchantments on it that he could detect. He sat back in his chair, slowly opened the letter and began reading.

  
_Professor_

Tell me it’s not true, please...please tell me that you are not my father. Please tell me that you weren’t there for me to run to when my parents didn’t want me. Oh Merlin...I don’t know what to think. Professor McGonagall would not lie to me, but then that means...Oh Merlin, Severus? You are my father? But I can’t say anything. Professor McGonagall has asked me not to until after the holidays. Do you know? Surely you do. What do you think of me? You always treated me so well, and always tried to help me. I have always felt more of a connection with you then my mother and father; is this why? I love you, Severus, and always have. You were my father, even if I didn’t really know it.

She won’t tell me everything...says there is time for that later, but she wanted me to know. Why won’t she let me see you? She says you are going through a lot right now. So am I. I need you, Severus. I need you, Father. I do want you to know I love you, and that is why I am writing this to you and hiding it in your bottom desk drawer. I want to think we have time to get to really know each other, but Severus, I don’t. I know my father will find a way to kill me, if not he, one of the other Death Eaters. I only wish I knew why he hated me so. I don’t think he ever loved me, but at least before this year, he seemed to respect me. What did I do to make him hate me, Severus? I’ve only ever loved him and have never asked for his love in return. I just needed a father, Severus...I needed you.

Well, I had better go. I don’t want you to catch me in here. We will talk later. I am so happy that you are my father, and I do love you.”

Your son, Draco

  
The piece of parchment fell from Severus’s fingers to the floor.

~*~

Severus sat across from Albus and Minerva, silently seething with fury and sadness, his hands fidgeting in his lap. As soon as he had finished reading Draco’s letter, he had flooed to the Headmaster’s office, and found both him and Minerva talking. He felt like screaming or throwing a tantrum. It was so unfair, his son had found out about him…and then had died, but how had he found out? Minerva had told Draco, and Severus knew how, but he was in denial. _She could not have sent him to his death. _

Regardless of his feelings, Severus had other things to worry about as well, like Harry and the dream that had woken the Gryffindor earlier. Severus would have to keep his emotions in check about Draco for the time being in order for him to tell the other two what he had found out from Harry. His son finding out about him, unfortunately, would have to wait.

When Severus told the two about Harry’s dream, Minerva lost any semblance of control and began screaming. Any feelings of ill-will towards the woman disappeared as Severus hurriedly made his way to his mentor’s side, worry etching his features.

“She’ll be fine, Severus; just leave her to me. She’ll be fine,” Albus said as he sat down beside the sobbing woman. Albus then pulled the woman into his arms, began rubbing circles on her back, and looked sadly at Severus as the sobs turned into near screams again.

Severus shook his head and backed up towards the door. “She is not fine, Albus. Why is she acting like this? What are you not telling me?”

A saddened looking Headmaster looked solemnly at Severus. “It is not my place to say, Severus.”

“I bloody well think it is; I come in here telling you about Harry’s dream and Minerva completely falls apart. If this has to do with Harry, I demand to know, Albus,” Severus said, his voice full of emotion that he was having a hard time controlling.

“No, Severus, this has nothing to do with Harry, at least not directly.”

Severus sat back down and pointed his finger at Albus. “If you are playing games with me, and if Harry’s life is in danger because of it, you will be sorry.”

“It is time he knew the truth, Albus.”

Severus stood, knelt before Minerva and took both of the woman’s hands in his. He heard the Headmaster beginning to speak, but put up his hand and stopped the older man. “Please, Minerva, if it was just me in this, I would not care, but this has something to do with Harry, so I am begging you, please tell me.” A few seconds later, Severus watched as the Headmaster left the room, leaving the two alone.

“What I am about to tell you, Severus, will no doubt come as a huge shock, and I wish I didn’t have to tell you this way. The more people who know, the more dangerous it is for everyone involved, most of all, my son.”

Severus furrowed his brows. “Your son?”

“Yes, my son. Merlin, I do not want to tell you this, to give you another reason to hate your father, but I have no choice, Severus. You see, your father, on orders from He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, raped me a little over twenty-five years ago and I found myself unmarried and pregnant. Your father was questioned about the rape, but his connections and deep pockets secured his freedom. Well, I had my baby, and was scared to death. Your father had made it perfectly clear that his child would be raised in the ways of his Master. To prevent that from happening, I did the only thing I could think of; I staged my child’s death, which is another long story that I will tell you later. With a few of the Order members’ help, I found my son the perfect home. He was adopted, and glamours were placed on him, making him look like his adoptive parents. My son was raised in the happiest of environments."

"Who--?"

“I know you want to know who my son is, Severus, and I will get to that. First, I need to tell you about why I felt so protective of you while you were in school."

Severus nodded.

"Before I was raped, I knew about you, and had even seen you a couple of times. When your father did what he did, I knew you needed to get out of that environment, but there was nothing I could do. When you came to Hogwarts, I tried my best to make your life a little less gloomy. I worried so much about you. I knew how evil your father was, and knowing you had to go home for Christmas and Summer holidays, made me cringe, but there was nothing to be done for it. However, I did all I could to make your life a bit brighter. I so enjoyed our talks. You helped me as well as me helping you. You were that monster's son, but unlike him, you were a joy to be around, and if you were that way, then so would my son."

Severus forced a small smile. "I, too, enjoyed our talks."

"I know you did; I could tell. Then suddenly you began distancing yourself from me, and I knew your father was behind it. I knew it was only a matter of time before you were marked. I knew I had lost you, just as I had lost my son, but I did find solace in knowing my son was safe, and eventually when you became a spy, I found solace in that, as well. I am very proud of my two sons. Yes, it probably sounds quite presumptuous of me, but I do consider you my second son, Severus; I want the best for you, and my other son.”

Severus was hearing what Minerva was saying and at the same time, his mind was going over everything that had happened recently, and he put it all together. “Bill? Is he your son?”

“Yes.”

Severus nodded. “Bill doesn’t know about you, I am guessing.”

“He knows he was adopted, and also knows that it is very important no one ever finds that out, but no, he has no idea it is I who is his birth mother. That would be putting him in more danger, and I refuse to have my son in any more danger than necessary.”

“Harry? You have been trying to get Bill and him together, haven’t you? You know Bill can help him.”

“Yes, Severus, I have been trying to get them together. But, you are the only one who seems to be able to help him. I had hoped the two of them could help each other, but I think Bill reminds Harry too much of what once was but can never be. Severus, Bill is in love with Harry, did you know that?”

Severus sighed deeply. “I had my suspicions, yes. Do you think Harry feels the same towards Bill?”

“He feels somewhat secure with Bill, of that I have no doubt, and perhaps had all of this not happened, yes, I could see Harry falling in love with Bill. Unfortunately, things did happen, and now Bill is a reminder of how different Harry’s life is. It is so hard, Severus. I know Bill can help him in certain ways, but in other ways, he is only hurting Harry. And I also think you have a lot to do with this situation.”

Severus gave the woman a questioning look.

“Oh Severus, you do not know, and I am sure neither does Harry, but the two of you are forever connected now. I know he is young, and I am almost hesitant to say anything because of that, but Severus, you and Harry belong together, and that is all I am going to say on that subject. What we need to concentrate on now is making sure my son is safe, and then getting you and Harry somewhere safe, as well. You know He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named will not stop until he has what he wants.”

Severus sat down, took in everything he had just been told, and immediately banished it to the back of his mind. He would think about it all when he had a clearer mind. “How can you do it, Minerva? How can you look at Bill and not tell him who you really are?”

“I love him, Severus -- that is how I can do it. I want my son to live a happy and full life without being in danger. It appears as though my wish has not been granted, but up until now, I have done everything I could to protect him, and will continue to do so.”

Severus smiled as he stood. "That I can completely understand. Minerva, I am not sure what Harry thinks about Bill, but I do know that if anything happens to your son, Harry will not react well at all. And before I forget to say it, I do understand you wanting to protect Bill, but I really do think you should tell him the truth. He deserves to know who gave birth to him.”

“Yes, I suppose he does, and eventually I will tell him, Severus.”

_Just as you told Draco about me_. Severus looked up at Minerva, and could hold his emotions in no longer. “Why did you tell Draco about me, why?” Severus was beyond tears, but his voice began rising with each word.

“I see you found his note.”

Severus nodded. “You know I don’t use that drawer for anything other than Order business, and that I don’t look in it often. You had Draco put it there on purpose.”

“Yes. I am sorry, Severus, but I had to tell Draco, not for him, but for you. You needed to hear him say he loved you, as your son, not as a student who looked up to you.”

“But how? I mean, the only way is…” Severus sat back down. Looking up, he shook his head as tears fell down his robes. “How far back did you go?”

Minerva knelt in front of Severus. “Not far. Just far enough to talk to Draco that morning and tell him where to put his letter to you.”

Severus began crying harder. “So, you knew he was going to be killed, by none other than me, yet you spoke to my son as if everything were okay? Minerva, my son was going to die in a few hours, and you brought him back just to let me have some peace of mind? How could you? How could you have let him leave after you saw him? How can you live with yourself knowing you were letting him go to his death?”

Minerva was sobbing now, and could hardly speak. “I had no choice, Severus. I should not have gone back at all, and I know that; I remember taking the time turner away from you and telling you that it could not be used, but I had to. Draco needed to know; he could at least die happy with you being his father. I know it is wrong what I did, Severus, but I had to do it. Maybe it is because I do not want you going through life thinking your son never knew who his father was. I am so sorry, Severus, but I really had to do this.”

“When you told him, what was his reaction?” asked a somewhat calmer Severus.

“He was so happy, Severus. I wish you could have seen his face when he found out. I would have given anything for that to happen, but if you had seen him, you would not have let him go, and that could not be allowed to happen.”

~*~

Severus found himself standing at the edge of the cliff. He had no desire to jump, but he found it exhilarating to know with one move he could end it all, and then he would be with his son. However, he knew that was his irrational mind speaking, and he needed to be rational for Harry. He knew that things were about to change for the two of them. If the Dark Lord was actively pursuing him and Harry, they would have to go into hiding, which was good in that Harry’s hiding place was the most secure place there was, but bad because it was not the same as Severus’s hiding place.

There would be no changing locations simply because Harry was unstable. Come hell or high water, the boy-who-lived was going to be placed in the most secure place available, his health be damned.

Severus had been so scared for Harry earlier when he had awakened with that horrible dream. But now, only a few hours later, Severus was more panicked then ever. He was scared for Minerva, as well; if anything happened to Bill, he didn’t think she would be able to survive. He knew all too well how she would feel, because he felt that way now, in regards to Draco. He missed the son he had never known was his, more than anything, and at times was finding that he did not think life was worth much on earth. However, one look into the green eyes of his Harry and he knew exactly why he was still here.

Entering the castle, Severus almost ran into the Headmaster, who looked pale and old. “We need to talk, Albus.”

The two made their way to the staff room and after getting tea, both sat down pensively.

“What did Minerva tell you, Albus?”

“She eventually told me everything.”

 

Severus, I am sorry for what you found out today, but you cannot be upset with Minerva. She has been more distraught this year then ever. Remember when you first noticed she was looking ill, and asked me what was wrong?”

Severus nodded.

“It was not my place to say anything. I of course did not know the entire story about her going back in time and telling Draco about you at that time, but I did know her seeing Bill was taking a toll on her. It warmed her heart to see Harry and Bill together, but knowing Bill was her son, it was hard for her to not get involved.”

Severus shook his head as he looked up at the ceiling. “This is all so wrong, Albus…so completely wrong. First, Harry is raped, and then my son is killed. Now I find out my son died knowing I was his father, and also that Bill is Minerva’s son. Merlin, Albus, this is a nightmare. Surely we can’t have had all of this happening, but of course it has.”

“Yes, it has, Severus. It is a lot to take in and to understand, but we are not meant to understand everything. I should tell you that Arthur, Molly and I have just finished meeting, and they are in agreement that Bill should go into hiding as soon as possible. He is in grave danger.”

Severus stood and nodded his head dejectedly. “As is Harry, so he’ll be going into hiding as well I am guessing, as we discussed when he entered Hogwarts?" Seeing the older man nodding, Severus sighed deeply and had to consciously make an effort not to raise his voice. "Albus, he is already extremely behind in his coursework. What will he do? In addition, he cannot cope by himself as he is. Last year at this time, yes, he could have spent time alone and done fine, but not now. How can I allow him to leave Hogwarts in his current condition?”

Albus lowered his head and sighed. “You know we have no choice, Severus. And please do not ask me any further questions right now. Harry is probably wondering where you are. I’ll just leave you with one final thought. Harry will not be alone, Severus,” said a very serious looking Albus.

Severus furiously made his way back to his chambers and found Harry asleep on the sofa, and Poppy asleep in a chair by the fire. After gently awakening the matron, Severus talked with her for a few minutes, and then carried Harry into his bedroom. He had a feeling the night would be a rough one for the Gryffindor, and Severus didn't want to leave Harry alone.

Taking off the sleeping young man's shoes and socks, Severus placed him under the covers, then after he was in his night clothes, climbed into the bed, and after making sure Harry was comfortable, fell asleep almost immediately, to be woken not ten minutes later by screaming.

"No, don’t let them get him. Please help me.” Harry was thrashing around in the bed, and it took Severus at least ten minutes to calm the shaking Gryffindor down. When Harry finally opened his eyes, he clutched Severus’s nightshirt to him. “Please don’t leave me.”

Severus couldn’t say anything, he could only gather Harry to him and settle the young man on his chest. Within a minute, Harry was sound asleep. Severus reached for his wand and the covers came up over the two of them, and within a few more minutes, Severus was lulled to sleep by the soft breathing of Harry.

Severus woke up the following morning to see Harry looking down at him through sleepy eyes. “Good morning, love, did you sleep well?”

Harry smiled and shrugged his shoulders as he got off of Severus and sat up. “I guess so. I had a dream yesterday when you were out, about Bill. He is in danger, Professor, I know it.”

Severus knew it was time he talked to Harry about what was about to happen. “Harry, I need to prepare you for what is about to take place.”

Harry scrunched up his nose and nodded. “I am guessing this is not good news.” When he saw the sad look on the older man’s face, he lay down and put his head on his professor’s chest, and felt as the older man ran his fingers through his hair.

“Harry, we have every reason to believe that you and I are in quite immediate danger. It is more than probable that both you and I will be sent into hiding.”

“Where will they send us?”

Severus shook his head sadly. “We won’t be together, Harry.”

Harry turned away without a word and got out of the bed and walked into the bathroom, then shut the door. He took a shower, and walked out twenty minutes later. “I won’t go without you, Professor. They can’t make me.”

Severus sat up and motioned for Harry to sit by him. “Harry, I do not want this to happen; I am very against it for many, many reasons, but there is no arguing the fact that in your hiding place, you will be safe. That is our number one priority -- your safety.”

“What about you? Why can’t you hide with me if it is such a safe place?”

“I cannot hide with you Harry because where you are going to be is so remote that no wizards live anywhere near there. My signature, which is known by the Dark Lord, could easily be traced, even in your hiding place, because my Dark Mark is connected to him. And even if that were not the case, I would not be permitted entrance since I have been in the service of the Dark Lord; the wards would never allow me entrance.”

Harry shook his head again. “I won’t go without you. You are the only reason I can get through a day without totally losing it, and even with you here, I lose it more often then not. What do they think will happen when we are separated? I would want to be okay so you wouldn’t be worrying about me, but I’m scared that I won’t be.”

Severus took another deep breath, and then continued. “You will not be alone, Harry.” Severus then told Harry everything about Bill, him, and Minerva, all the while swearing the younger man to secrecy. He wasn’t even sure why he knew Bill would be the one to hide with Harry, but he knew it, and was glad for it. The only bit of information that was not shared with his green-eyed Gryffindor, was the information contained in the letter from Draco. Harry was definitely not well enough to handle that piece of information yet, and might never be, Severus knew.

Harry was beyond shocked at the news, but he took it all in and tried to reassure Severus that everything would turn out fine.

~*~

“Professor Snape, you must tell me; I deserve to know why I am being sent away. I know I was adopted, and I know that for some reason Death Eaters are after me, but why?”

Severus sat in between Harry and Bill and looked at the eldest Weasley pointedly. “Do not ask me again, Mr Weasley. You will find out soon enough.” Severus felt like throttling the redhead, who was no doubt making Harry very uneasy. Turning, he looked worriedly at Harry. “You and I need to talk.”

Severus could not believe this was happening so quickly. He had known Harry would be leaving, but Albus had arranged everything and had decided the sooner Harry and Bill left, the better. School was still in session, and Harry had not wanted to leave Ron and Hermione, but he had no choice.

Severus had talked to each of Harry’s friends individually, telling them how serious the situation with Harry was. They had both been exceptionally receptive to what was going to happen, and had promised to make Harry try to understand how important his going away would be.

Looking at the young man who just recently had begun a growth spurt, Severus wished he could know how long it would be until he saw Harry again. He could not help the smile that escaped when he remembered Ron’s words to him regarding Harry.

Ron of course had known about Bill being adopted, and now knew that He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was seeking out his brother, as well. He wasn’t looking forward to both his brother and best friend leaving for an undetermined period of time -- that was for sure. However, when he had seen how upset Severus seemed about the impending departure of Harry, Ron had told his former Potions professor that when Harry returned, it would mean a new beginning, and that Severus and Harry would be able to find the true comfort in each other they had been searching for. Ron had left after that, and after pondering the meaning of Ron’s statement for only a few moments, Severus thought he knew exactly what the redhead had meant, and it brightened his countenance exponentially.

Harry stood and allowed himself to be led into the Entrance Hall, then turned around and looked pleadingly at Severus. “I don’t want to go, Professor. I don’t want to leave Ron and Hermione and I don’t want to leave you.”

Severus remained strong and stoic. “You will do fine, love, of that I have no doubt. I’ve given Bill explicit instructions as to how to handle your panic attacks, and he is more than capable of taking care of you. He is also going to be helping you with your studies, so try not to be too hard on him. And Harry, remember, I too am leaving; we both have no choice. However, I know that we will see each other again, so please stay strong.”

Harry nodded as he felt his chin beginning to quiver. “I--I--I don’t want to leave you. I am afraid if I do, I’ll never see you again.”

_The hell with being strong and stoic_. Severus took Harry by the shoulders and looked deeply into the green eyes that were shining at him. “We will see each other again, Harry, and don’t ever think we won’t. We’ve been through so much together, mostly bad times, but Harry, look at me, please.”

Harry’s head had fallen and he had begun wiping tears from his face, but he looked up when he heard his former professor’s shaky voice.

“Harry, we’ll have good times ahead, love, I know we will. Please don’t cry. Merlin, I have never loved anyone as I do you, Harry. We will be together again, I promise.” Severus placed his arms around the shorter man’s waist, pulled Harry nearer to him, and hugged the smaller man to him for dear life. “I’m going to miss you so much.”

Severus then cleared his throat and turned to Bill, who had walked over to stand next to them. “Please take care of him, Bill; he’s all I have now.”

“Yes, sir.”

~*~

  


**Chapter Eighteen: Learning to Live and Living to Learn**

  
Harry stood at the Apparition point, looking longingly back at the castle. He had to go, but didn’t want to. However, Snape would not allow him to leave if he was not ready, Harry knew, so he tried to think positive thoughts. _It’s all going to be okay. Snape is going to be safe, and I will be safe, and we will see each other again very soon. _

“NOOOOOO. Get off me.” Harry managed to get free of the hands attempting to constrain him as he continued shouting, and then he fell to the ground screaming repeatedly and flailing his arms around wildly.

Harry’s cries continued for what seemed like hours, but when he felt gentle, familiar hands picking him up, and as he felt those same hands wiping tears, and when he heard the voice of the one person he trusted completely, he snuggled against the warmth and fell into a fitful sleep.

Severus beckoned Bill to return with him to the school, and the two sat on one of the benches in the Entrance Hall. Severus held Harry to him as he looked tiredly at Bill. “What in Merlin’s name happened, Bill?”

“I don’t really know, Professor. I was ready to Disapparate and I wrapped my arms around Harry.”

Realisation began to hit Severus. “From behind?” the older man said hesitantly.

“Yes, sir.”

Severus looked down at the pale figure in his lap and wiped a tear from the corner of one of Harry’s eyes, before looking back at Bill. “When he was raped, he was attacked from behind, Bill,” Severus said with a pained look. He watched as the eldest Weasley shuddered and put his head in his hands, and felt badly for the young man. “You didn’t know, Bill, and I should have warned you. He is much better, but he always reacts badly when touched from behind when he is not expecting it.”

“I’m so sorry, Professor. I would never do anything to hurt Harry.”

“I know that, and so does Harry. He’ll be okay; he just needs to be reassured that he is safe. Bill, you need to go ahead and Disapparate -- you are unsafe here. Harry will join you tomorrow.”

“Yes, Professor.”

Severus shook his head and smiled slightly. “I think you can call me Severus, Bill. I haven’t been your professor in years.”

The eldest Weasley simply nodded and stood. “Thank you, Severus. I guess I’ll see you when all of this is over.”

“You will indeed, Bill.”

~*~

Harry awoke and began shaking as he glanced around the empty dark room. “Professor?” There was no response. Harry felt the tears as they fell on his robes. “Severus?” Harry shouted with more urgency.

The door opened, and Severus lit the sconces before sitting beside Harry on the bed. “How are you?”

Harry looked up with hollow eyes and began sobbing. “I can’t do this anymore. I am so tired of jumping at every little thing. I can’t remember the last time I had fun, and I want it to all stop hurting so much. Maybe if it was just the rapes, I could possibly get past that, but it is everything: Remus, the baby, and then Draco. I see them all every night when I sleep. I just want it all to stop.”

Severus removed his boots before sitting on the bed and examining Harry for a few minutes, and then he carefully scooted nearer to Harry and lay beside the still crying Gryffindor, and began stroking the younger man’s face. “I know how you feel, Harry, and I can’t say it is going to get easier, because it won’t, but I will always be here for you, so never think you will be alone.”

Harry’s sobs turned to sniffles and he smiled as much as he could. “But you won’t. I know you are still going to make me go away.”

“Yes, but remember, I, too, am being sent away. I do not like it any more than you, I assure you.”

Harry sighed as he nodded. “Will you hate me if I can’t take this?”

Severus stared wide-eyed into the green eyes, not believing that Harry was so near the point of hopelessness, when the young man was Severus’s only hope -- he couldn’t stand seeing the pain. Climbing out of bed, Severus left the room, leaving a once again scared Harry, alone. He walked out to his sitting room and sat on the sofa before giving in to his emotions. He had tried being strong for Harry, and thus far he thought he had been doing a fairly good job of not letting his emotions get the better of him, but it was all too much.

It had been nine excruciatingly long months, but Severus had broken through the walls Harry had been erecting, and was finally beginning to see the former glimmer once again in the Gryffindor's eyes. All of that progress seemed to have dissolved with Harry's question, and Severus could not take it.

He sat there and cried for a good ten minutes before forcing himself back into his bedroom. He sat down and gathered Harry in his arms, and sat against the headboard of his bed. “I could never hate you, Harry, no matter what you do, but please don’t leave me. I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here. I know you don’t realise this, but I have found myself rather attached to you, and do not know if I can live without you now.” Severus was forcing himself to remain calm and not to cry.

“I don’t know why,” said the Gryffindor in a completely dejected voice. “I am broken; I went crazy when Bill touched me from behind. I shouldn’t do that; I’m going to be that way forever, aren’t I?”

Severus shook his head but could not talk.

Harry turned his face away from Severus. “I know I can’t live without you in my life, and I know I’ll have to. That is why I don’t think I can go on. It hurts too much to think of a life without you in it. You are the only reason I am still here now, and I can’t live without you, I just can’t.” Harry then turned back, looked up into the emotion-filled eyes of his former professor, and frowned. “I wish I could feel what I know I should, but I can’t, and never will, and that hurts. I can never have what I need; I can never have you.”

Harry looked into Severus’s eyes, trying to discern what was going through the older man’s mind. He hadn’t planned on ever letting Severus know his true feelings. Harry knew Severus had been hurt as badly as he had, and probably would never want to become involved with anyone. It hurt so badly being so close to the man he loved though, and he wanted nothing more than to stay with him forever. Before Harry had been able to stop himself, he had found himself spilling his feelings. Now all he could do was wait for Severus to react.

Severus wanted to say that yes, Harry could have him, and did have him, but he wasn’t daft; he knew what Harry had meant; he felt the same way about Harry, although he had tried valiantly to ignore that fact. Somehow, the green-eyed Gryffindor had captured his heart. He, like Harry, however, knew there was something missing.

Severus had not experienced any sexual feelings at all since he was raped, and knew more than likely, he never would, but, it was not as if that was a requirement needed for the two of them to be together. Severus was willing to admit that there would just have to be a part missing, but that it would not matter. He wanted to prove to Harry that the young man could still love.

Severus could not, and would not, say any of this now, however. Harry was leaving, and was twenty-one years younger. That fact scared him more than anything else. He was scared of holding the Gryffindor back.

“You can have me, all of me, Harry; you already do, I need you to know that.”

Harry sat up and became very serious. “I do hope you understand that I am trying to be quite serious with you; this is not something I suddenly decided to say without giving it any thought. I love you, Severus. I know there are a million reasons I should not say this, but I do. I am so attached to you that it scares me. I am so lost and scared about everything, and seeing as how quickly I freaked out when Bill touched me today, I really don’t think I am going to ever get over what happened. I feel like I am on a downward spiral and am about to hit the bottom. Somehow, you always pull me up right before I hit the bottom, but I know that one day you won’t be there to save me and I don’t know how I’ll be able to live without you.”

Severus looked over at the clock and noticed it was midnight. Harry needed to get some sleep, as did he, but this conversation needed to be had. Looking sadly at the young man in his bed, Severus came to a decision. “Harry, why do you think I am not going to be there for you?"

Harry shrugged his shoulders. "It is just how I feel; everyone who I love always ends up going away."

"I do not plan on going anywhere, Harry. We have no choice about going into hiding, and yes we will be apart then, but perhaps we can use that time to our advantage. Harry, we both need to think about what has been said tonight. I love you more than I thought it was possible to love someone, but it scares the hell out of me to think that I care so much for someone. I have never been able to trust easily, and I am so terrified of being hurt, not by you, but from what may happen. I think we need to take the time we have apart from each other to think about how we want to proceed. Whatever we decide, I think we both know it is not going to be easy because of what happened to each of us. We both have massive barriers that we have not gotten past, and we need to accept that we may never get past them.

"Speaking of barriers, Harry, there is more to a relationship than having intercourse. I, also wish with all of my heart, that one day I could show you in that intimate way how I feel about you, but if it never happens, it just never happens. I would rather have you in my life and be happy than to be able to have an orgasm and be unhappy without you.”

Harry wrapped his arms around the man he loved and hugged him before letting go and looking into Severus’s eyes once more. “Me too. I don’t think I can ever do that again, Severus, even if one day I physically am able to. It scares me too much.”

“It scares me as well, Harry, and for me it has been nineteen years. This is about as close as I have ever been with anyone since the rapes other than when Lucius almost raped me again.” Severus looked away as a tear fell.

Harry reached up and wiped the tear away. “Severus, he didn’t try to rape you, he did. I know he did not get very far, thank Merlin, but he did rape you.”

Severus sadly nodded his head in agreement, then cleared his throat and wiped again at his eyes. “Enough of this. I refuse to allow Lucius Malfoy to ruin what you and I could have. But, I do think we could use this time apart to think things through. There is another reason I am thinking we need this time apart. You will be seventeen in a few months and then I will not feel quite as awkward about my feelings, although I still think I am much too old for you.”

Harry smiled and sat up beside Severus. “I tried convincing myself that you were too old for me, and that you were too intellectual to ever want to be with me, but neither fact matters anymore. It is kind of weird, for me, my falling for my former professor, one whom up until recently, I all but hated. I know I’m immature in many ways, and I’m sure I’ll be a handful, but I can’t imagine my life without you, Severus.” Harry then sniggered. “I can’t believe I started calling you by your name. I hope it is okay.”

Severus smirked. “Considering the fact that you have been using my first name for the past hour and that you just admitted you loved me, I am quite alright with you not calling me ‘professor.’”

Harry yawned and looked at the clock, before looking back at Severus. “I guess I need to go to sleep, don’t I?”

Severus nodded. “Yes.”

Harry smiled and got out of the large bed. "Promise me I won’t be gone too long.”

“You know I can’t make that kind of a promise, Harry.”

Harry turned and walked to the door of the bedroom before turning around and looking longingly at Severus. He tried walking out the door, but couldn’t move.

Severus knew he should make Harry go to his room, especially now, but he couldn’t. Merlin knew how long both would be apart from each other. “Harry, you can sleep in here with me.”

Harry’s face broke out in a huge grin and he walked back to Severus. “Thank you.” Harry then walked over to the Wardrobe in which his clothes were kept, and found a pair of boxers and a t-shirt to wear. He then proceeded to the bathroom where he took a shower and dressed before returning to the large bed.

When Severus climbed into bed after his shower, he was met with light snores coming from the exhausted Gryffindor. Smiling, Severus scooted further into the bed, wrapped his arms securely around his young love, and placed a kiss on the back of his head. “I love you, Harry.”

~*~ Christmas Eve ~*~

Harry sat in front of the fire with parchments spread out around him. Looking at one in particular, the Gryffindor picked it up and smiled as he turned his head and smirked at Bill, who was lying on the sofa, reading a book titled Curse-Breaking. “I found it. I told you I would.” Harry then stuck his tongue out at the now grinning Bill.

Harry watched as Bill reluctantly stood up, walked over to him, and snatched the parchment from his hands.

“Well now, let’s see how well you listened to me last night.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “You don’t think I listened, do you? Ye of little faith. If you must know, I found what you talked about rather interesting. Now if we could only get everyone to think the way I do, maybe we could get rid of Voldemort once and for all.”

Harry watched as Bill sat down and perused his essay on wizarding rituals, and hoped fervently that he had done what had been asked of him.

It had not been easy -- the two of them being hidden away for six months -- but Harry could not argue the fact that he felt better than he had in a long time. Bill had been on him constantly about talking through his emotions, and even though Harry cursed the eldest Weasley for it repeatedly, he knew it was what he needed.

Other than helping Harry talk through his feelings, Bill had also caught the Gryffindor up to his year-mates in less than three months, and in the three months since, Harry had gone through the seventh year curriculum as well, since no one knew when he would be getting out of hiding. He only hoped he would be back at Hogwarts soon. He was not miserable by any means -- he and Bill got on well enough and he was happy. However, Harry missed his friends terribly, especially Ron. He remembered how upset his best friend had been after the attack.

Ron was definitely one of the people Harry missed, but most of all, he found himself missing his former Potions professor. Harry knew the man was in hiding as well, and hoped he was safe. He couldn’t wait to see the man and let him see how much better he was doing.

Harry glanced up at Bill and saw a smile forming. “I told you I knew what I was talking about.”

“Yes, I guess you did. Well, It looks as though you are now officially ready to sit your NEWTS, Harry, congratulations.”

Harry grabbed a handful of parchments still littering the floor and threw them into the air. “No more blasted homework or three-foot-long parchments! So you taught me everything I need to know?”

“Yes, you are as ready as anyone I’ve ever seen. I think you’ll ace your NEWTS.”

Harry stood up and could not control his happiness, and he found himself grabbing Bill and pulling the man into a hug. “Thanks, Bill. I can hardly believe it is over…no more schoolwork, ever.”

“Well, I would not get too over confidant about that; I have prepared you for the NEWTS, but I have a sneaky suspicion there are going to be those who will want you to prove you learned it all.”

“Professor Snape trusts you and knows you would not leave me unprepared. He’ll vouch for you.”

“Oh he will, will he? Let me ask you something, Harry. Why do you trust him so much? I mean, I know he is not working for Voldemort or anything like that, but I mean, he was the one who started this entire chain of events. I would have a very hard time forgiving him.”

Harry sat down and looked up at Bill. He had talked about Severus very little, and had definitely not told Bill he had feelings for their former professor. “You have no idea how hard it was for me to forgive him, Bill. I hated him so much because he took away so many things from me. I truly wanted to hate him forever. But, he was always there for me, and never asked for anything. He only wanted me to get better. I don’t know that I can tell you why I trust him, or how I can, but I do, Bill, with my life,” _and with my heart_.

“Do you love him, Harry?”

Harry’s eyes bulged. Not from Bill’s question, but at the tall figure who had stepped out of the fire as Bill asked his question. “Severus?”

Harry watched as Bill gave him a questioning look before lookiing wearily at the former Death Eater and pointing his wand at the man. After a minute, he seemed satisfied that it was indeed the true Potions master and nodded his head to Harry who was now staring unblinkingly at the expression on the man’s pale face.

“Bill, get him some water.” Harry walked up to the man and led him to the sofa. “Severus, please sit down.” He watched as the man did as he was told. “What is wrong?”

Bill brought a glass of water to Harry, who held it up to Severus’s lips, and finally, the trembling man took a few sips and then looked at Bill.

“Thank you for taking such good care of Harry, Bill.”

“Sure; I really didn’t do that much.”

Harry shot Bill a deathly glare. “Are you kidding me? You helped me get better; if it were not for you, I would still be as I was when I left Hogwarts.”

Harry then turned to Severus. “What are you doing here? I didn’t think you could get past the wards.”

Severus shook his head. “Albus lowered them and sent me here to get the two of you.”

Harry furrowed his brows. “So, does that mean Voldemort is dead?”

“No, he is still very much alive.” Severus looked up to Bill and then lowered his gaze to Harry before putting his head into his hands for a moment before looking up again.

Harry looked up at Bill after witnessing the exchange and then looked at a distressed Severus, and felt himself beginning to panic, but he calmed himself quickly and moved over to sit right beside Severus. “What is the matter? Please tell us.”

Severus shook his head as he looked at Harry. “I can’t do it. I thought I could, but Merlin help me, I can’t do it.”

Harry began panicking but tried pushing it away. “Please just tell us, Severus.”

“Harry, you might not take this too well, and I am scared how you’ll react.”

Not caring how it would look to Bill, Harry did the only thing he knew to do; he crawled into Severus’s lap and wrapped the older man’s arms around him. “Now, you can tell me.”

Severus ran his fingers through the raven locks and held Harry to him as tightly as he could, as he looked at Bill. “The Dark Lord has Ron.”

Harry felt like screaming, but one look at Ron’s oldest brother and he quickly got out of his former professor’s lap and ran into the arms of the now pale Bill, and the two of them completely broke down.

Severus looked at the two and tried to quell the new tears that were forming. He needed to remain strong for Bill and Harry. He hadn’t wanted to even come and tell the two what had happened, but it had been two weeks and Albus finally told Severus he had to tell Harry and Bill because if he didn’t, Harry would hate him. Severus knew that was probably true. Ron was Harry’s best friend, and if he was killed without either Bill or Harry knowing he had been taken, Harry would never forgive him.

Bill let go of Harry and looked at Severus. “Do you know where he is?”

“Yes. Unfortunately, it is in the most secured place the Dark Lord has. We are doing all we can, but I will be honest with the two of you; it is not looking good.”

Harry shook his head repeatedly. “We have to get him out, we just have to.” Harry then looked at Bill, who had begun to speak.

“…my fault. That bastard has my brother because he knew he could get to me through him. It’s all my fault.”

Harry wrapped his arms around the taller man and hugged him. “It’s not just you, Bill. Voldemort knew if he took Ron, then both you and me would do anything it took to get to him, and he was right.”

Severus stood up and neared the two. “We need to leave and get back to Hogwarts so we can plan our next move.” Harry and Bill nodded.

~*~

Severus entered his chambers and found Harry sitting in front of the fire, staring blankly. “Harry?” He received no answer. A little more adamantly, “Harry?”

Green eyes filled with sadness turned towards Severus. “Sorry, Severus.”

Severus and Harry continued looking at each other for a few seconds before Harry stood and joined Severus on the sofa. Looking pensively at the older man, Harry took a deep breath. “Why did you really come and get us? I know you, and you would not have taken me out of a safe place for any reason whatsoever, even if it was Ron who had been taken.”

Severus nodded and then stood up and walked to the fire. “Professor McGonagall is not doing well, Harry. She is so afraid something will happen to Bill. When I found out about Ron, I knew I had to get the two of you back here as soon as I could. Molly is frantic of course, but so is Minerva; Molly is staying here at the school with her, but she needs her son; she needs Bill. So, finally Albus and I decided the two of you would be better off here. We know the Dark Lord is not going anywhere anytime soon. Ron is his ace in the hole, and he will be waiting for you to come to him.”

“How are we goi--”

Severus shook his head. “Not now, Harry. We’ll discuss it later; right now, you need sleep.”

Harry nodded and tried to smile. “I missed you so much. I thought I’d never see you again.”

Severus allowed a scowl to escape. “Do you not have any faith in me, Harry? I said we would.”

Harry grinned. “Yes, that is what you said.”

“So, I am thinking it is time for you to get some shut eye. We have a big day tomorrow; the Order will be meeting.”

Harry was sleepy but did not want to go to bed. His body needed sleep though, and Harry knew it. "Okay, I’m going.” Harry smirked at Severus as he stood from the sofa. As he opened the door to his bedroom, he glanced back at Severus and smiled again. “What Bill asked me when you flooed in? I still do, and always will, Severus.” Without another word, he closed the door behind him, leaving a smiling Severus in his wake.

~*~

Severus woke to screaming. _Harry_. He made his way into Harry’s room and found him screaming and rolling around on the floor.

“Harry, it is me, Severus, wake up.” Severus placed Harry back in the bed, conjured a flannel, and wiped the clammy face . “Harry, love, can you hear me?”

Harry continued to scream and mumble incoherent words. Finally, after about twenty minutes, he was no longer screaming, just sobbing.

Severus sat in the four-poster against the headboard with three pillows propped behind him as he held Harry to him, and fell asleep. When he next awoke, he found emerald eyes staring solemnly into his. “How do you feel?”

Harry shook his head and frowned. “Ron -- he was hanging from two ropes, and they were all beating him and I could see some of the Death Eaters stabbing him and whipping him. Oh Severus, it was horrible.”

Severus nodded as he wiped the tears from the younger man’s face. “I believe that we are getting close to being able to rescue Ron, Harry. I will talk to the Headmaster again and see how the plans are progressing. You need sleep, love.”

Harry nodded as he fought to keep his eyes open. “Severus?”

“Yes, Harry?”

“Will you and I ever be allowed to be happy?”

Severus took one of Harry’s hands in his and began stroking it with his thumb. “I certainly do hope so, but I don’t know, Harry. There is so much going on. I just want you to be happy, no matter what happens.”

Harry placed his other hand over Severus’s free hand. “I’ll be happy when we get Ron out, Severus. Right now Ron is all I can think about.”

~*~

Harry’s visions were becoming worse, and Severus began worrying the young man would do something drastic if something was not done soon. He implored the Headmaster to act, and finally, Albus decided they could not risk waiting any longer to rescue Ron. The Order met and finished devising their plan to rescue Ron.

Severus was thankful for the tranquility that had finally settled over Hogwarts; everyone had been so tense, and at least with term being over, the only people remaining at Hogwarts were Albus, Minerva, Molly, Bill, Harry, and himself. It would be much easier to talk about their rescue of Ron without having to worry about students overhearing.

Neither of Bill’s mothers were doing well at all, and finally deciding Minerva’s health was at risk, and after Severus begged him, Albus made the decision it was time to tell Bill about his true identity. Minerva begged him not to, thinking it would put Bill in more danger, but Albus said her health was more important. She needn’t have worried. Bill was told, and took the news rather well. He had after all known he was adopted, he just had never been told who his birth mother was.

~*~

Harry was sitting at the table in Severus’s kitchen, reading the latest Quidditch Monthly Magazine when Severus walked in, a  scowl on his face. Harry quirked an eyebrow and sighed, gaining the man’s attention. “More bad news?”

Severus shook his head. “No."

Harry knew Severus was hiding something by the expression on his face. “What are you keeping from me?"

Severus looked worriedly at Harry. “Nothing.” Then the former Potions professor entered his bedroom and shut the door behind him.

Harry jumped up and grabbed a handful of floo powder. “The Headmaster’s office.” As soon as the older man’s head appeared in the fire, Harry began talking as quickly as he could. “I want to know what happened today? Professor Snape wouldn't tell me, but I can tell he was keeping something from me. Please tell me.”

“Just a moment, Harry.”

Harry watched as the man’s head left the fire, then about two minutes later, as it reappeared. Harry heard the door behind him opening, and watched as a somber looking Severus walked towards him. Hearing the Headmaster’s voice, Harry returned his head to look at the other man.

“Severus will tell you.” And without another word, the silver-haired man disappeared, leaving behind a very nervous Harry, who slowly turned to meet the eyes of Severus. “So, tell me.”

Severus took a huge breath and sat down, and motioned for Harry to do the same. “We received a message from Voldemort. It seems we have been given seven days to present you and myself to _his royal highness,_ or Ron will be given to the Dementors. Apparently, he found out our plans and decided to make it into a challenge. So now we cannot use any of our detailed plans we had.”

Harry stood up defiantly. “Well, then there is nothing else to be done. You and I have to go get Ron, Severus. He is my best friend, and I will be damned if I let him stay there and have his soul sucked out of him. Hell, he has already been there so long already. I can only imagine what they have done to him in that time--” Harry frowned when Severus put up his hand, but stopped what he was saying.

“I have no doubt Ron has been through a traumatic ordeal, one which he is unlikely to ever forget, but you need not worry about him suffering the same fate as you or me, It seems he is on the receiving end of the good fortunes, unlike us, who happened to be on the giving end. Oh, the Dark Lord despises your best friend, I assure you, and has allowed his minions to put him through hell, but I can also assure you, the Dark Lord is not stupid; he knows when he has gone too far.”

Harry furrowed his brows. “What is that supposed to mean?”

Severus stood and slowly walked over to the bookcase, retrieved a thick black tome, and hesitantly handed it to Harry. "It is all in here.”

~*~

  


#### Chapter Nineteen: Revelations and Misunderstandings

  
Harry fell asleep after hours of reading. When Severus heard the young man lightly snoring, he took the tome, placed it back on the bookshelf, and gathered the thin frame of the Gryffindor in his arms. He then carried Harry to his bedroom and took his shoes and socks off before placing him under the covers. Not tired, Severus sat beside the bed and watched as the young man slept.

Severus wondered how much Harry had read. He had been a bit surprised that Harry had not once said anything while reading. His facial expressions had given his feelings away at times: surprise, confusion, as well as anger, but not once had Harry looked at Severus, who had been reading by the fire.

After watching Harry for half an hour, Severus made sure to leave one of the sconces lit, then left the room. He walked over to the fire and called Albus, who stepped through a minute later.

“Did you give him the information, Severus?”

Severus shook his head. “Yes, yes, Albus, I gave him what you asked me to, but I think it was a mistake.”

“He deserves to know, and might I remind you that it was you who wanted him to be told the truth?”

Severus glared at the older man but held his biting comments, knowing they would do no good. He had asked that Harry be told, but only about Ron. Albus had insisted the Gryffindor deserved the complete truth. “You do not know Harry as I do; you do not realise you are giving him ammunition, but you are. You know more than anyone how much anger Harry has inside of him, and all of it is focused on the Dark Lord. This information you are wanting him to read is just another reason for Harry to want to kill the bastard who killed his parents. Ron is his best friend, and you know Harry will do anything to save him.

“Not that I believe in the prophecy, because I surely do not, but are you quite sure Harry is prepared to face the object of his hatred, Headmaster? I don’t believe he is; even if he had all of his magic, which he most certainly does not, I would say he was not ready. Do you really want to be the one who sends him to his death?” Severus then raised a brow and smirked. “Perhaps you knew exactly what you were doing by allowing Harry to see the tome. You know he won’t stop until he figures out a way to reverse what was put into motion over a thousand years ago.”

“Yes, Severus, I know,” Albus said pointedly.

Severus sat down in the chair he had been in all evening, and looked up wearily at the Headmaster. “He is not strong enough to do this, Albus. If you were unsuccessful, how do you think he is going to be any different?”

“Because, Severus, Harry has one thing I never had; he has you. You know that I was alone and had no one, and that was the difference.”

Severus shook his head vociferously and stood up; anger radiating from his face. He was so tired of this. Everything always seemed to come back to Harry -- it was all up to him. Severus was at a loss as to how to change what was happening, and that frustrated him. Harry was finally getting back to some sense of normalcy and was not quite as skittish around others, but Severus had a very uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach that all of the progress that had occurred was about to be wiped away.

“For Merlin’s sake, Albus, Harry has been through hell; you know he has lost much of his strength, and it will take very little to sap the remainder away from him. I gave him the tome against my better judgment, only because he needs to know about Ron. I will not, however, let him go and get himself killed doing something that you could not do when you were at full strength.”

“Severus, I do wish this curse would be broken, and I would love for it to be done by Harry, but if it does not happen, then so be it. Harry should not feel it is his duty to do this. But I did, and I suspect he will as well, and if he wants to try to end it, who are we to stop him?”

Severus felt his face getting hotter by the minute, but he remained as calm as he could. “Who are we? I don’t know about you, but I can tell you that I am someone who loves him, and that is who I am to stop him! I love him, Albus, and I think that gives me the right to stop him if I want to. I have lived a life of pure hell for over twenty years, wanting nothing more than to die, and you know that. I don’t know why, and I don’t even begin to understand it, but by Merlin, I love Harry, and will die to protect him. He is so scared that I will leave him alone, even after I have reassured him I am going nowhere. I don’t even want to contemplate anything happening to him, so excuse me if I am a bit defensive about you wanting to use Harry to end that farce of a curse that my dearly departed distant relative put on us Gryffindors.”

Albus raised a brow and slowly nodded his head. “It is easy to forget, I am sorry to say, that you are not truly Slytherin, Severus, and I am sorry for that. You should have been able to be with your true housemates.”

Severus put up his hand and glared at the older man. “Don’t-- just don’t even go there, Alb--”

A piercing scream tore through the room. Severus and Albus were at Harry’s bedside within seconds trying to calm the thrashing Gryffindor who was repeatedly crying out Draco’s name, as well as the word no. Finally, with Albus’s help, Severus was able to get Harry calmed somewhat, but when the green eyes opened and looked at Severus, Harry began crying and shaking his head.

“He said you hated me and that you laughed at me as you asked them to teach me a lesson. Why would you do that? He said you hated me…is it true? Tell me!” When Severus didn’t immediately answer, Harry continued speaking. “Then I told him I hated him, that he was a disgrace to our world. How could I have said that to him? Why? Just tell me why?” Harry cried out as he tried getting away from Severus.

Severus slowly moved closer to the now sobbing young man, picked him up, and held him to his chest. Looking over at a somber Albus, he shook his head and watched as the older man departed the room.

Running his fingers through the damp hair, Severus placed a kiss on the much too warm forehead and began speaking quietly, but loud enough for the now sniffling Harry to hear. “I did not like you, Harry, but I can say with all honesty that I never laughed at you, or about you, that night, I promise. That night was wrong for so many reasons, and I am not proud of any of it, but I do promise you that I never laughed about what I was asking them to do; not that it matters however -- my conduct was utterly deplorable.”

Severus glanced down at the younger man, and saw the green eyes staring straight ahead, emotionless. “Harry, Draco had never been nice to you, and in fact had taken every opportunity to be mean to you. You reacted to his past deeds, and well, he was holding you against your will. You had every right to lash out at him.”

Harry remained looking straight ahead. “And that makes it okay, Severus? I told him I hated him…I was no better than he was.”

Severus sighed heavily, and then turned Harry’s head so they were looking at each other. “I will not allow you to sit here and talk about yourself in such a way. Harry, you need to go to sleep, love.” Reaching in his robes, he pulled out a phial of Dreamless Sleep, unstoppered it, and held it to Harry’s lips.

Harry reached up, took the phial, and downed the contents before looking once again into the eyes of Severus. “Will you stay with me?”

Severus had intended on going and removing the tome from the bookshelf, but he could not refuse his despondent green-eyed angel anything. He had fully expected Harry to ask him about what he had read earlier, and was quite relieved it hadn’t been mentioned. Harry needed sleep. “Of course I will, love.”

Harry smiled slightly then looked at Severus seriously for a moment then smiled again, and began to lie down.

Severus stopped Harry and wiped a tear from the younger man’s face. “Do you think it would be okay if I kissed you?”

Harry’s eyes grew wide, but he nodded his head hesitantly. “I would like that very much, Severus,” said a nervous sounding Harry.

Severus was unsure of what he should do; he knew that look had been fear, but he also knew the fear was from what had happened; it was the same fear Severus himself would have if asked to be kissed. However, he knew Harry wanted to get past what happened, and Severus knew it would not be easy. Slowly he lowered his head and met Harry’s lips briefly; probably for no more than a second, but it had been a kiss, a first step.

Harry raised his fingers and touched his lips as he closed his eyes and let a tear escape. “It never felt like that before,” whispered Harry as he gave in to sleep.

Severus wiped the tear away and kissed Harry’s forehead, then quietly left the room and retrieved the tome Harry had been looking at earlier, before returning to his chair by the fire. Shaking his head, he opened the book to the first page. He still found it difficult to believe that until six months ago, most of this had been hidden from him.

Closing the book, Severus closed his eyes and thought back to what Lucius’s image had said to him that day.

  
_…you are wondering how I knew I could get pregnant? Haha — thank the founders. That is all I will say..._

  
He had asked Albus what that had meant because he knew the older man must know if it had to do with the founders, but Albus had said something about the time not being right. So apparently several months later, the timing had been right, and Albus had given Severus the thick tome to take with him while he was in hiding, giving him instructions to read it and see if he could decipher the code to reverse the effects of what he was going to find out. Severus had figured it all out after many hours of careful study, but he knew he could not perform what was required, alone, or at all, if he were to be quite honest with himself.

Severus had known that Harry would have to perform the complicated charms needed to make the recipe that Severus had found, work correctly. The only problem was, Harry would have to read all of what Severus had, and Severus was afraid Harry would take it upon himself to reverse the curse, which would invariably kill him.

Severus sighed deeply, knowing that Harry now knew what had happened and why. He knew it was a vast amount of information, so much so that it had almost overwhelmed him. It was as if it had been only yesterday that he had found out.

  
_…When Salazar could take it no more, he gathered the other three and informed them he was leaving and starting his own school of witchcraft and wizardry in Bulgaria, called Durmstrang. Helga and Rowena were neither pleased nor angered. Both had far more important things to concentrate on. However, Godric thought it was outrageous that Salazar would be so foolhardy and try to attempt this huge undertaking alone, and told the man such._

Of course this had not gone over well with the Slytherin founder, and he accused Godric of being jealous, and said the other man would never have the cunning it took to maintain Hogwarts without him, and then had said the only redeeming quality in Gryffindors were their bravery and loyalty. Godric laughed in the Slytherin’s face and said he could not think of even one redeeming quality about being a Slytherin.

This had not gone over at all well with Salazar and he threatened Godric that day, saying that he would see how brave and loyal Gryffindors would be in the future when the Slytherins controlled the Gryffindors, and he had promised that one day, there would not be any pure Gryffindors left.

Godric shrugged this off, for he knew there were no true divisions in between the four; each house only prided itself with having more of a certain quality then the others, but not so much more or less of the other qualities of other houses that truly divided them.

He lauded Salazar’s departure, thinking the man had gone over the edge with his pureblood and pure Slytherin rhetoric, yet he never forgot the promise that had been made to him. He didn’t understand how it could be possible, but he somehow knew that Salazar would find a way to disrupt the lives of Gryffindors in the future.

Then about a hundred years later, something occurred that had to that point in time, never happened before; a wizard delivered a baby boy, stillborn, yet it had been a living and breathing foetus and had been growing inside of the male.

This was not supposed to happen of course and everyone went into hysterics thinking the man had been possessed. No answers were found, and the wizard who had given birth died a few days later of unknown causes.

Then one hundred years later, a group of wizards became pregnant, this time, the babies all survived, and grew up to have their own babies. Not every generation had children subsequently, and usually it would skip two or three generations, but inevitably every three or four generations at the least, a baby would be born, and for some, it was every generation.

Everyone was at a loss as to how this was happening until in 1573 when a young man became pregnant after being raped by a year mate of his at Hogwarts, one who was Slytherin. The Gryffindor thought it peculiar that all of the pregnancies seemed to be occurring only in Gryffindors, and was determined to discover why. Fortunately, for him, he did not give up easily and after searching for eleven years, he finally found what he had been searching for.

His son, who was now at Hogwarts, had stumbled upon the Chamber of Secrets, and after figuring out how to access it, had entered and discovered a vast network of tunnels that worked their way through out the castle. In one of the rooms, there had been a vast collection of tomes, and it was there that the young boy happened upon a tome titled simply, “Slytherins -- how to impregnate your enemy.”

  
Severus could not read any further. He put the abridged and translated version of the book that had been found in Slytherin’s private rooms, down and went to check on Harry. Instead of finding a still sleeping young man in his bed, he found Harry standing in the doorway of his bedroom looking at him with something akin to fear.

“What is wrong, Harry?”

“I can’t sleep, even with the potion. I can’t stop thinking about what I read. Why would he do that, Severus? I don’t see the reasoning. He made it to where Gryffindors could become pregnant…that is odd, yes, but not bad. I must be missing something.”

“Come, Harry, and sit by the fire with me and I’ll try to explain it to you.”

Harry followed the taller man and sat down on the carpet in front of Severus’s chair.

“Why don’t you ever sit in the chairs or the sofa, Harry? They must be more comfortable than the floor.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “Habit I guess.”

When the Gryffindor showed no signs of moving, Severus sadly nodded his head and gave the young man a weak smile before continuing. “To be quite honest, what Salazar Slytherin did was not evil in and of itself, Harry, but his reasoning for doing so, and the subsequent actions of certain people regarding the descendants of these wizards, was evil. As I am sure you are well aware, our current Dark Lord is not the first to wreak havoc on the wizarding world. Salazar Slytherin was the original Dark Lord, although to be fair to him, his objectives were for the most part tame and legal. He was of course for an all-pureblood wizarding society, but he was not a violent person. However, he did feel threatened by Godric Gryffindor, and was afraid that eventually the Slytherins would be banished from Hogwarts altogether. This is why he created the potion you read about. He knew he was fighting a losing cause to have a pureblood only society, but he would see to it that Slytherins continued to prosper, and at the same time, it would also ensure that the Slytherin bloodlines would continue.

“He must have had other ulterior motives of which I do not know about, because, all of his theories that have been discussed, are fallacies. I know there are differences in wizards’ blood and non-wizard blood, and know that there are half-bloods, but there is no such blood difference in the four houses. So, I am at a complete loss as to why he would have done this, but he did. But, regardless of Salazar’s intentions, we now have to deal with the Dark Lord’s intentions, and it is his intention to take all of the current wizards that have been born of other wizards, and take them on as his apprentices, ones that he believes will eventually go out and take over for him.”

Harry furrowed his brows and shrugged his shoulders before rubbing his temples with his fingers. He could feel a headache coming on. “So, then Draco was to be used in this way by Voldemort? But wouldn’t Lucius have liked that?”

“Harry, Lucius Malfoy had ambitions far greater than the Dark Lord, if that is even possible. He used me to get Draco, but he never had any intention of having Draco serve that bastard.”

Harry almost laughed out. “I’m sorry, Severus, but I thought this would have some grand explanation, and that the reasoning would be a very valid one, but it is not. It almost seems as if Salazar Slytherin was being petty and created this curse as a punishment, but really, unless Voldemort gets hold of these people, they are not punished. And what does any of this have to do with Ron?”

Severus stood up and looked into the fire before turning around and staring at Harry. “I’m getting there. When my father raped Minerva, Harry, he did not intend on her becoming pregnant. He intended on having the child himself, knowing it would be a most powerful wizard. You see, somewhere along the way, someone somehow made a variation of the potion and made it possible for Slytherin’s to become pregnant. It was said that wizards born of Slytherins would be far more powerful then those born of Gryffindor’s. Also, probably at the same time, it is said another variation was made to allow Slytherin wizards to impregnate themselves not by a Gryffindor wizard, but a witch, the thought being that the power of the wizard over the witch would somehow make the wizard who was eventually born, stronger. This is what was supposed to happen to Professor McGonagall, Harry. Somehow, however, Minerva was the one who became pregnant instead and gave birth to Bill. That is the main reason Bill was immediately placed with another family and given a new identity. He was thought to be more powerful than anyone else was since he had been born in a woman’s womb of a wizard’s curse, something never documented before. My father went to the Dark Lord; he obviously knew he was not pregnant and knew Minerva would get rid of the baby. The Dark Lord has been searching for Bill since.”

“But Ro--”

Severus knelt before Harry and took the younger man’s hands in his. “What I am about to tell you, Harry, goes no further than this room.” Seeing a slight nod, Severus continued. “Ronald Weasley is not Arthur’s biological child, Harry. He, like Bill, was born of a woman who had been raped by a wizard who was trying to get pregnant, and that woman was Molly, Harry.”

Harry looked horrified. “Why was he left here then? Why wasn’t he sent into hiding with us? Did everyone think Ron was not important enough?”

Severus returned to his chair, sat down, and put his face in his hands before looking at Harry through bloodshot eyes. “Harry, Ron has never been told about any of this, and we all felt like he was safe here. There was no possible way the Dark Lord could get to Ron. It is complicated, but we know Molly has some sort of power over Ron that protects him from harm coming to him; however, it only works on Ron, and not Bill. We are not completely sure as to why this is, but it is, or was. Somehow, the Dark Lord was able to get to Ron despite all of the safeguards. This is a mistake that I will have to live with for the rest of my life; we can only hope he is rescued safely. I could have insisted he go with you and Bill, but Molly left it up to me, saying if her son could be adequately protected, then she would rather Ron never find out who he really was.”

Harry could not digest all that he was hearing, but this did explain a little more about why Ron’s mum had been so able to understand his grief from the loss of his baby. He had felt warmth and unconditional acceptance from the Weasley matriarch, always, but when he had been raped, then when Draco had lost their child, Molly had completely enveloped him in her arms and had helped him when no one else could. Everything was beginning to fall into place, and it almost made Harry’s head spin. He turned and scowled at Severus. “Please tell me Bill does not know about this, Severus. If we spent six months together and he didn’t tell me, then he’s not a true friend.”

Severus raised a brow. “What is your reasoning for thinking you had a right to know about this, Harry? No, Bill did not know about Ron, but even if he had, he certainly owed no one an explanation, not even you.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, well why would anyone want to tell me anything anyway?”

Severus had to stop himself from rolling his eyes, which was very un-Severus like, but very called for at the moment. His nerves were frayed and it all was becoming too much. “Harry, it is not all about you, love, just as it is not all about me. There are going to be things you do not know, that I do, or others will, but that means nothing. I do not tell you everything that happens with me and I most certainly do not expect you to spill your every thought to me.

“For the record, Harry, I only found out about this when I went into hiding, and then only because the Headmaster thought it was time. Believe me, you will be told what you need to know, but because of who you are, you must realise you will not be told everything. Hell, Harry, you would go out and fight everyone if you knew about them.”

Harry laughed but his eyes remained almost unseeing. “Yes, that is my duty, is it not? But right now I don’t care about anyone other than Ron. What are we waiting for, Severus? We need to go get him NOW. I don’t know what Voldemort wants Ron or Bill for, and I could care less. I want to get Ron back; he is the only person other than you who treats me normally. If anything happens to him, I will probably kill myself.”

Severus slowly turned to look at the trembling young man and marveled at how calmly he had spoken those words; the icy look on Harry’s face turned Severus cold…and he shivered. Severus was scared. “You really would kill yourself if Ronald Weasley were killed?”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “Yeah, I would.”

Severus threw his hands up and looked incredulously at Harry. “Well now; I guess I should thank you for opening up my eyes before I found myself too deep.” He noticed Harry’s hurt look and gave him a questioning look. “Obviously you care very little for me or my feelings, Harry. I thought, erroneously as it was, that perhaps you cared somewhat for me, but from your statement just now, I see I was mistaken. I know you still have a long way to go, and I do wish to be with you every step of the way, but I thought as hard as things were for you, that you had perhaps found something else to live for. Perhaps I was too hasty in my judgments, but I thought we had something….enough so that you would not go off and do something as hasty as end your life.”

Harry felt tears coursing down his face and had to catch his breath. “Is that why you kissed me? Is that why you love me? So I will have someone to love, someone who will keep me from killing myself? So, you never really did love me, did you? It was all just to keep me safe. I should have known.”

Harry then ran out into the corridor and within a second, Severus had lost track of him.

~*~

  


**Chapter Twenty: From the Heart**

  
Severus didn’t know what to do. He performed every charm he knew to detect Harry’s whereabouts with no success; he could not detect the Gryffindor’s magical signature anywhere in the castle._ Harry, where are you?  _He could be anywhere, but Severus thought he knew the young man's destination, and after gathering up the few things he would need, he ascended the stairs to the Entrance Hall, and was met by Albus.

“You are not going anywhere, Severus. You are in no state to be out looking for Harry.”

Severus threw up his hands and gave a half-laugh. “No, I suppose I am in no state to be out, but Harry is in even less of a state to be out by himself and you know that, Albus. He is in danger from himself and the Dark Lord. If that bastard finds out that Harry has left Hogwarts…you know the result.”

“Yes, I do, Severus. Let me allay your fears. Harry is fine. You are not the only one who thought to place tracking charms on him; I placed quite a few on him, ones that he could not break even if he attempted to. Now, why don’t you come join me for a cup of tea; you look like you could use one.”

_As if I have a choice_. Severus walked with the older man to his office. “Where is he, Albus?”

“He is in the cave that Sirius hid in while in Hogsmeade, asleep at the moment.”

Noticing how calm the older man seemed, Severus sneered as he shook his head. “You act as if Harry just went on a walk; we must go to him.”

“No, Severus. As long as I can see him, I will allow him his alone time. You hurt him today, more than I ever thought possible. How could you have been so careless to speak to him as you did?” Albus spoke the password and the two rode the staircase up to the Headmaster’s office. Opening the door, the two walked in and Severus sat in his usual chair while Albus took his place behind his desk.

Severus felt uncomfortable. He was not accustomed to explaining his actions. “I don’t know why I spoke to him as I did, Albus. He seemed to be getting so much better. Since he and Bill returned, even with the stress of Ron being held by the Dark Lord, he seemed okay. I know he has been upset recently, but I thought he was improving.”

“Yes, he has seemed more alert and has been in a better mood than he has been in a very long time, Severus; perhaps you had something to do with that, but even if he was happy about your relationship, he was still hurting inside. Ron Weasley has been his best friend for six years, and after all that Harry has been through this year, the mere thought of losing Ron was more than he could take. Today he must have realised the full magnitude of what could happen, and it probably just became too much for him. I am rather curious as to how he has gone this far without making a similar declaration about taking his life. I am also curious as to why in the name of Merlin you reacted so childishly to his statement. He needed you more at that moment than ever, Severus, and you completely shut him out. I am most surprised he did not immediately go and actually try to do something drastic. His actions since he left the castle have shown me he has some fight left in him; not much perhaps, but enough that he does not want to die today. Do you love him, Severus?”

Black eyes bored into blue ones at the abrupt change of subject. Severus was even more uncomfortable now. His feelings for Harry were not something he wished to discuss now or ever with the Headmaster, but he knew he had no choice. Feeling his face getting warmer, Severus turned away and looked out the window. “I do.”

“He is a student, Severus.”

Severus turned back around, gave the Headmaster a questioning look, and stood up, throwing his hands in the air. “Really? You know, Headmaster, I had not noticed.” Severus took a few deep breaths and calmed himself; this was not the time for him to be sarcastic. Turning to look in the blue non-twinkling eyes, Severus nodded. “I do love him, Albus, and if I am not mistaken, you have facilitated events so that Harry and I would continue to get closer. So, have you changed your mind now? Because I never wanted this, Albus. My life was fine just the way it was in September. I was left alone and that is just how I liked it. Potter was someone I could hardly stand to be in the same room with, and that is how I wish it had remained. It was far easier hating him then loving him. Merlin, Albus, I would die for him. I have never been able to say that about anyone. Before him, my life had structure; I knew what was going to happen, and I need that again. I need to know what is going to happen. I can’t face not knowing if I’ll wake up one morning to find out that Harry has killed himself. I could not take it if that happened.”

“Well then Severus, my boy, you better get your priorities in order and decide what you want. Because I can assure you, if you do not want Harry in your life, he will leave, but that is not what you want, is it? I cannot and will not condone a student-teacher relationship, but fortunately, for me, you are no longer a teacher here, and technically, Harry is not a student any longer. He still has yet to take his NEWTs, but he has fulfilled all of the requirements of a seventh year Hogwarts student. What you and Harry do is completely up to the two of you.”

Severus then watched as Albus narrowed his eyes, which was very uncharacteristic, and pierced him with a menacing glare, well, for the Headmaster, it was menacing.

“I have one final word on the matter, then I wish to not speak of it again. If you hurt Harry, Severus, you will wish Tom Riddle had killed you.”

Severus nodded and took in a deep breath before continuing. “I would never hurt Harry, Albus, and you know that...now I need to ask you a question. Why is it that you only seem to care about Harry when it is in your best interest?” Severus knew there was much about the Headmaster he did not know, and he was sure the man was hiding something from him regarding Harry. Shaking his head as he tried to control his voice, he continued, forcing himself not to shout. “You have treated him with such indifference this year, and suddenly you want to be all grandfatherly and say he’ll be fine, and you are keeping an eye on him and threatening me, telling me not to harm him. I always knew you cared for him far more than you should have, and that really infuriated me, but this year, when _I_ care for him, you seem to not care, but then suddenly you do -- why is that? What has happened to make you so apathetic towards him one moment and so protective the next?” Severus knew he was pleading with his voice for the older man to be honest with him. He wanted to understand what had happened because he had never known the Headmaster to be apathetic towards anything or anyone, and this situation with Harry was becoming worrisome.

Albus clenched his jaw and raised his head as if asking for guidance, then adamantly shook his head. “That is not something I care to speak about, ever. I would ask that you please refrain from asking me again.”

~*~

Severus stormed out of the Headmaster’s office and his eyes fell immediately upon the one person whom he dreaded seeing -- Hermione Granger. He could tell she had been crying -- her brown eyes were bloodshot, and she was looking at him as if he were dirt, which he had to agree -- he pretty much was. He reluctantly beckoned her in the office, sat down again, and glared at the Headmaster, who then looked at Hermione.

“Hello, Miss Granger. I am assuming you have something to share with Professor Snape and myself regarding Harry?”

“Yes, sir, I do.”

Severus gave the Headmaster a glare, realising that the Gryffindor know-it-all knew something, and then turned to watch as the young witch took a deep breath. He prepared himself for the tongue-lashing he was sure to get. He still remembered clearly how a distraught Hermione had come close to killing him all those months ago, and he knew she had it in her to still do so. As she opened her mouth to speak, Severus suddenly had a sinking feeling, but did not know why.

“Headmaster, some of the things I am going to say are probably not going to be proper, but in this situation, I cannot express them any other way. If you must punish me, then so be it, but Harry is worth everything I am about to say.”

“Miss Granger, whatever you have to say, I am sure we can overlook.”

Hermione nodded her head as she pointed her finger at her former professor. “Who in Merlin’s beard are you to tell Harry what you did? What were you thinking? He told you he was going to kill himself, and what was your reaction? To be calm and reassuring to him? Oh no, not you, Snape; you had to go and tell him that you should have been reason enough for him to want to live. Oh MY Merlin, Snape…what in the hell were you thinking? I thought Harry was out of his mind when he told me he had any feelings at all for you, but you know, he is one of my best friends, even though I haven’t acted the part lately, and so for him, I decided to hold my tongue about you. I knew, however, that he deserved so much better than you.

"He does have feelings for you, Professor, and if he could, I am sure he would want you to be enough for him to want to live, but he can’t. He is sick, Snape. SICK!!! He cannot help the way he feels. He has been through hell this year, and as loathe as I am to admit it, you have been there for him at every turn, and have helped him when no one else would or could. I still didn’t like you, but I thought that possibly you had finally found someone who was showing you how to care and that maybe you were becoming a more caring man. But I obviously was very wrong.”

Severus’s face remained cold and emotionless as he continued to stare at the young Gryffindor witch, but he knew he had to say something. “Are you quite finished, Miss Granger?” Receiving no response, he continued in an angry voice. “Where is Harry?”

Hermione laughed manically. “Do you honestly think I would tell you? You are the last person he wants to see.”

Severus could not help himself. He stood up and neared the now wide-eyed witch, as he placed a hand in his robe pocket trying to extricate a phial. “Tell me, now, Miss Granger. I have my ways, if you refuse.” He knew she was unaware of Albus’s knowledge of Harry’s whereabouts, and he had a feeling she could tell them what Harry’s plans were.

“You cannot force me to reveal where he is...Headmaster?” Hermione said nervously, obviously asking for help.

“I am afraid in this situation, Hermione, I must insist you tell us, or me. Harry is a danger to himself -- surely you must know that.”

“Harry promised me he would not do anything.”

Severus shot her the deadliest sneer he could muster. “Oh right, and Harry has been so stable these past few months; of course we would be expected to believe him.” Severus closed the last few feet in between him and Hermione and spoke in a barely audible whisper, trying to keep his voice calm. “Miss Granger, I am asking, nicely. Please, you must tell me where Harry is; you do not know how sick he is. Yes, I was a royal bastard to him earlier -- that I will freely admit. I was wrong to say what I did, and I do regret it, but now is not the time for that, I need to get to him, Miss Granger.”

Hermione crinkled her nose and took a few steps back. “Um…well, he said erm--”

“He said, what, Miss Granger?” asked an increasingly agitated Severus. “Where has he gone?”

“Nowhere yet; he said he needed to be alone to think about how he is going to,” Hermione lowered her voice so low that Snape barely heard her, “um…kill Voldemort.”

Severus suddenly knew what the bad feeling in his chest had been. Forcing himself to remain calm, he closed his eyes. “Please do not tell me you allowed him to go to find the Dark Lord, you stupid imbecilic child.”

Hermione shook her head as tears began coursing down her cheeks. “I tried stopping him, I truly did, but he said that was the only way he could live. He said he was going to end this finally.”

Severus lowered his fist onto the Headmaster’s desk, scattering parchments onto the floor, and the look he gave the other two must have been scary from their reactions. “So Miss Granger, you have been standing here talking to us while MY HARRY is out there who knows where, and is going to go searching for that bastard? Are you sodding out of your fucking mind? I actually thought you had a brain in that head of yours, but I see I was greatly mistaken.”

Without another word, Severus soared out of the Headmaster’s office and slammed the door behind him. Speeding down the stairs, he practically flew out to the Apparition point and disappeared.

~*~

Harry woke up shivering. He was wearing only a thin short-sleeved shirt, boxers, and his feet were bare. He lifted his head from the earth beneath him and drew his knees under him, trying to keep warm. He wanted to return to Hogwarts, but couldn’t. He never wanted to see Severus again, and he needed to get Ron since no one else seemed to be in a hurry to do so.

Hermione had probably told the Headmaster and Severus by now what he had told her, and he knew it would not be long before he was found if he remained in his current place.

He hadn’t brought any food with him.  In fact, he had nothing but his wand. _I really am as stupid as everyone says I am. I can’t even run away properly._ If the truth were to be told, however, Harry had not thought that far ahead. If it was not for Ron, he would have taken the jump he had wanted to take for months. He no longer had Severus, and if Ron died, then Harry truly would have no one. Hermione was trying to help him again, but he couldn’t quite forgive her for her indifference of the previous few months. The only thing that kept him from killing himself was Ron and the need to rescue him. Harry kept telling himself that if he could just get Ron, everything would be okay…but he knew that was untrue; he would still be without Severus, the man he now loved.  Nothing would ever be okay again.

Harry wiped his tears away roughly, made his way out of the tiny cave, and was greeted by Severus glaring at him with crossed arms.

“You will be the death of me yet, Harry.”

Harry glared at the man but did not move. “Yeah well, that makes two of us.”

Severus uncrossed his arms and looked up to the sky before looking at Harry for what seemed like minutes, causing the younger man to squirm.

“What are you staring at?” spat out an irritated Harry.

Severus began walking into the cave and motioned for Harry to follow. He sat down on the ground and looked back at Harry who was still outside shivering. Severus took off his cloak and held it out to Harry, who slowly came in and took it, wrapping himself in the warmth that smelled of Severus.

“I apologise, Harry. I was very wrong to say what I did earlier today. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Yeah well, it’s not like I feel this way because of what you said or anything.” Harry shrugged his shoulders and refused to meet Severus’s eyes.

“Perhaps not, but I did hurt your feelings. Harry, love, I know you--”

Harry screamed through his tears. “Don’t call me love. You don’t love me, you said it yourself -- you only said that so I wouldn’t kill myself.”

“No, Harry, you took my words out of context. I truly do love you, and I don’t ever want you to doubt that. Even if we do nothing but glare at each other for the rest of our lives, I will love you; nothing can or will ever change that.”

Harry glanced up at the taller man and tried reading the man’s face, which was becoming somewhat easier, but still not easy. “I tried, I really tried. I want you to be enough for me, Severus, but it hurts so much. Everything I love has been taken away from me. I just can’t take it anymore.”

Severus backed away a few feet and nodded his head. “I knew it was a mistake to have you read the tome.”

Harry laughed out briefly, not a pleasant sounding one, either. “Yeah, well, I had to find out eventually. I think it would be easier if it all made sense, but it doesn’t. I mean, if Voldemort had begun a curse such as this, he would have made sure it was sinister. There was nothing sinister about the baby Draco and I conceived, Severus. I don’t understand.”

Severus sat down and was pleased to see Harry sit beside him. “Harry, I don’t think it was ever meant to be an evil curse; I think it was just a petty charm that Salazar Slytherin performed, and over the years, with modifications, it has been morphed into something evil. The Dark Lord intended to exploit your child -- I have no doubt about that.”

Harry shrugged his shoulders. “Why can’t he just leave me alone? I don’t understand it. He makes me want to not live, Severus, and with everything else, I just feel like I can’t win. I mean, look at you and me. I love you and you love me, at least I think it is love, but not even you can save me from myself.”

Severus shook his head. “Especially not when I make comments like I did earlier. I’m trying Harry, really I am. Albus is right though about me -- I am a mess, myself. Here I thought I could help you get through this, and instead I only drive you closer to the edge. I don’t know what to do.”

Harry looked over at Severus, who was looking down at the ground. “Why are you so sad, Severus? Something is different about you. I know you always have been sad, but there is more to it then just that. What happened?”

Severus took in a shaky breath and debated on what he should say. He wanted to say it, but he didn’t have a right to impose his problems on Harry. “I miss Draco, Harry.”

Harry scooted over so that he was only inches apart from Severus, and took the older man’s hands in his. “I’m sorry, Severus. I shouldn’t have reacted to you so badly this morning. You do love me, and I doubted that. Here you are grieving yourself, and I am acting the foolish Gryffindor everyone says I am. You need to take care of yourself and not be so concerned with me. I’ll be fine, Severus, really.”

Severus shook his head in complete amazement, but said nothing. Instead he gathered Harry in his arms and Apparated to the forbidden forest. “We will not meet the Dark Lord unprepared, Harry.”

~*~

Harry spent the next five days in Molly and Bill’s care. He knew he was sick, and was finally resigning himself to the fact that he was not going to get better unless he wanted to, and he did want to…for Severus.

Hermione and he had talked as well, and both discovered how much they had missed the other. It seemed to Harry as if Hermione had been scared of how to act around him, and he knew he had not made that easier by his dramatic actions. With Molly’s help, the two Gryffindors found that they still needed each other, just maybe in different ways.

Harry had always been so decisive in the past when he wanted to do something, and now he wasn’t. Hermione was having trouble with this, Molly concluded, and asked the young witch to try to be a bit more understanding, to which Hermione agreed. Harry also knew that he needed to try to understand how hurt his friend was. Perhaps she had not been hurt physically, herself, but she had been through quite a bit this past year. She and Ron had not officially begun dating, but Harry knew they had been talking about it, and she must be going crazy with worry. She did not want to talk about Ron; Harry knew it probably was too painful and knew Hermione needed to be dealt with easily. Harry had never considered how upset she must have been about everything.

“I was about a Veela’s hair away from killing Snape, Harry. I was quite serious, too. When I found out he had hurt you, it really did something to me. I have always been the proper witch, book-smart and all --top of my year.” She laughed and shook her head. “But none of that mattered or could help me when you were so sick, Harry. None of my smarts could make you better. I felt so helpless, and reacted badly. I don’t regret threatening Snape, but I do greatly regret staying away from you. It just hurt too much, especially after what happened to Draco. I didn’t know what to say to you.”

“It’s, okay, Hermione. I’m better now, and we are talking again; that’s all that matters. You wouldn’t have really killed Severus, I know it.”

“I’m glad I didn’t, but yeah, I really do think I could’ve.”

The change in Harry was quite drastic once he and Hermione made up. It was refreshing to see the young man smile again. When Hermione or Bill was not keeping him company, Molly was talking to Harry, making him talk and write out his feelings. He had not liked the idea at first, but he could tell how much of a difference it was making. Molly also kept reiterating to Harry how much he was loved by everyone. He began to believe her, and although he didn’t know why so many people would care so much for him, he knew everyone was going through a lot of trouble for him, and if they were all trying so hard, he would try hard as well.

Harry didn’t see Severus for five days, and this was on purpose. The Weasley matriarch thought Harry could do with a few days of not seeing him; Severus had, after all, been the one to set Harry off on his latest downward spiral.

Harry had grown so accustomed to Severus doing everything for him that he had began neglecting himself, and without another person to keep him in line, Harry was having to take responsibility again, and take control of his life. Molly knew Severus was not trying to hurt Harry by doing so much for the young man, but he was taking away Harry’s sense of responsibility, and that was important to anyone. Everyone needed to feel like they made a difference and that they were useful.

Severus had spoken to Molly daily and had been assured Harry was doing fine, and that a few days apart would not do them any harm. He knew he had a lot of thinking to do, himself. He was truly no better off than Harry. The only difference in him and the Gryffindor was that no one had interceded in his life to try to help him. He was going to be healing right along with Harry.

On the morning of the sixth day, Harry walked out into Molly’s sitting room and sat down across from her. “Thank you for caring about me, Mrs Weasley. I don’t think I’ll ever really be okay again. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act now, but I do realise that all of you love me and want me to get better. And I do want to get better.”

“For whom, Harry, you or Severus?”

Harry looked oddly at Molly. “For Severus…and for me.”

Severus came to get Harry that afternoon, and was greeted with an armful of green-eyed Harry. He smiled into the sweet smelling hair and pulled the younger man closer to him. “Are you ready to go home?”

Harry nodded as he looked pensively back at Ron's Mum. Receiving a nod, Harry turned back to Severus again. “Severus, I know I have a long way to go, but I think I have finally accepted that perhaps I am worth something and my life does mean something to others. And you don’t have to every worry about me doing anything stupid like killing myself.  I couldn’t do that to you, Severus, ever.”

Severus wasn’t sure how to react, but he smiled and nodded as he took the younger man’s hand in his. “Nor could I, Harry.”

The two returned to Severus’s rooms and they talked for most of the day. Severus even managed to make Harry smile and laugh, a sight that warmed his heart.

Later that evening when a robed Severus walked out of his bathroom from taking a shower, Harry, who was grinning, met him at the door. “I need to feel you, Severus. I know we can’t do anything else, and I don’t want to, but can I kiss you?”

Saying nothing, Severus leant down and met Harry in a light kiss that lasted maybe two seconds. Pulling away, he watched the hurt flitter across Harry’s face. He was debating on what to do; he knew what he wanted, but was it the right thing to do at this time? Harry did seem to want them to get closer, but did he really know what he was asking?

“Harry, will you stay with me tonight? I promise not to do anything, but I think we both need to get past this.”

Harry nodded slowly and his emerald eyes sparkled as he smiled. “Yes, Severus, I’ll stay with you.”

“You are entirely too delectable to keep away from, love.” Severus gathered the beautiful Harry in his arms, carried him to the four-poster, gently placed him in the middle, and then climbed in and laid beside him, stroking the young man’s face. Then they met for another kiss, this one unlike their previous two. Where those had been brief and quite chaste, this one was filled with passion and need, and lasted a good while. When they broke apart, both were panting slightly.

“Are you okay, Harry?”

Harry nodded, then shook his head as a few tears made their way down his face. “I don’t know. Why can’t I feel anything? I know why, I mean, they tore me up and damaged me, but Severus I remember how I used to be and it hurts so much to know I can’t be that way now, especially with you.”

“Perhaps it will not be permanent Harry, but even if it is, love, it does not matter to me. I too remember how it was to feel and experience how wonderful it felt to have an orgasm, and I would give almost anything to be able to share that experience with you now, but I can’t, and neither of us may ever again, but that is not what matters to me. You are my only concern, YOU Harry, not your sexual prowess. If all we ever do is kiss, then Merlin will have blessed my life with a miracle. I never expected you to come into my heart, Harry, and I will do my best to keep you there.”

Severus held Harry as they slept that night. He knew that both of them had a long way to go to get better, but at least they had each other.

~*~

The next day, the Order finished their surveillance and everything was finally ready.

Sitting on the sofa in Severus’s sitting room, Harry fidgeted with his hands as Severus rubbed soothing circles on his back. “Harry, we need to be leaving soon, but before we go, I need you to know something.”

Harry looked up; eyes filled with tears, his body and voice shaking, and shook his head. “Don’t say it. Please don’t say it. You are going to be fine. I told you not to say it.”

Severus smiled through his own tears, and caressed Harry’s cheek. “I love you, Harry, and no matter what happens today, I have been happier with you then I have ever been before, and if today is the last day I have with you, then I will die happy. You have shown me how to love again, and for that, I am more grateful than you will ever know.”

Harry shook his head repeatedly as he fought the tears and held his hands to his ears tightly. “Don’t…Don’t…DON’T! ”

Severus crushed Harry to him and hugged him, crying audibly. He gathered the younger man into his lap and looked into the emerald green eyes. “You are worth everything to me, Harry. Everything I have been through to this point…everything -- it all has been worth it.”

Harry managed to calm his sobs somewhat and finally managed to speak. “Yes, it has all been worth it, I agree. But don’t you dare go saying things like ‘no matter what happens’. You are going to be fine, Severus, you are. I love you, and don’t ever want to think about you not being here.”

Severus stopped his tears and gathered Harry to him. “Oh, I want this to last forever.”

Harry snuggled further in the older man’s robes. “Me too. I am so scared, Severus.”

Severus lifted the trembling chin that was mere inches from his face and lightly brushed his lips across Harry’s. “I will not leave your side, love. We’ll be together no matter what, I promise.”

Harry wrapped his arms around Severus’s neck and hugged him, as he was hugged back. “Don’t leave me, please.”

~*~

  


**Chapter Twenty-One: The Sentence (final chapter)**

Harry and Severus received the signal, immediately left their hiding place, and slowly approached the abandoned building. Severus tapped his wand on the bricks a few times and after several seconds, the bricks opened to reveal a huge meadow. Both men made their way through the opening and hurriedly crossed to a big tree that would give them temporary shelter. They could see people milling around in the huge house before them, and knew they had only one chance to do this.

Hearing commotion from the other side of the property, Severus knew it was time. Looking seriously at Harry, a pensive Severus frowned. “Okay, Harry. You heard what Moody and Tonks said about Ron. We have perhaps five minutes at the most to get in there and out, and no more. Once we leave here, there will be no turning back. Are you sure you are ready?”

Harry shook his head. “It doesn’t matter if I am ready, all that matters is that we are going, no matter what.” Harry was giving Severus a stern ‘do not mess with me’ look.

“Okay, then.” Severus quickly placed a quick kiss on his young love’s lips, then grabbed the smaller hand in his and the two took off at a rather quick pace, Severus not going so fast that Harry could not keep up, however.

Severus’s eyes kept darting from side to side as they made their way around the side of the huge house and entered the stables, looking for any signs that their plan was not working, but finding none. Almost whispering, Severus pulled Harry closer to him. “He is down this passage, third door to the right.”

Harry felt his breathing increasing and willed himself to calm down; this was not the time for a panic attack. He tightened his grip on Severus’s hand and smiled sheepishly when Severus glanced at him with a worried look. “I’m okay, just getting a bit panicky.”

“We’re almost there, Harry, you can make it,” Severus said, more to reassure himself than Harry. He silently prayed that the young man whom he loved would make it. Harry was pale and looked about a breath away from death, Severus thought before chiding himself for thinking such a morbid thought.

As the two approached the door, Harry let go of Severus and looked at him questioningly. After pointing his wand at the door and chanting a few incantations, Severus nodded to Harry, who slowly turned the doorknob. They were running out of time and had to get Ron out immediately.

Harry pushed open the door and found Ron lying on the stone floor in a pool blood. He looked at Severus with wide eyes and watched as Severus gently picked up the unconscious Gryffindor. He then led them out of the maze of passages that made up the stables, and then they traversed back to their former hiding place. Now all they had to do was get to the other side of the building and they would be safe.

Severus looked around and then nodded his head as he took off with Ron in his arms and Harry on his heels. As they were approaching the dilapidated building, shouts could be heard coming from the house, and soon after, Severus could see people running towards them, hundreds of them it looked like.

“Harry, run faster.” Harry had fallen behind and was running with everything he had, but could feel his chest getting heavy, and he knew he was about to pass out. Somehow, he made it to the building and was dragged by Severus to the wall where they made their escape after the bricks opened to allow them passage.

Looking at Harry sternly, Severus shook his head. “They saw us and know what has happened. You know what Albus said we had to do if they saw us.”

Harry felt a tear fall down his face, but nodded. “I can do it, Severus.” He closed his eyes. He had not used a Portkey since the end of fifth year after Sirius died, and was not at all looking forward to using one now, but as it was their only option, he would.

Severus found what he was looking for and held it out to Harry and spoke as calmly as he could; he did not want to alarm Harry any more than he already was. “Hold on to this and do not let go, no matter what happens. We have fifteen seconds -- start counting.”

Harry began counting backwards, voice shaking so much that the words he was speaking could barely be understood. “Ten, N--N-- Eight, Seve, Sixxxx, f--“

Harry fell to the ground and Severus screamed as he bent down, the dead weight of Ron still in his arms. Severus grabbed Harry’s arm and knew that his only option was to hold on. A broken arm could heal. He then felt the Portkey pulling them away, then felt as they slammed into the ground. Opening his eyes, he saw Minerva staring at them with wide eyes and a pale face.

Minerva began walking towards them but was stopped by someone --  Vincent Crabbe, Sr.

_Shite_. Severus glanced around and saw only two other Death Eaters, but he knew many more probably lurked nearby. Within seconds, cords encircled the three newly arrived prisoners, and Severus felt as Harry was taken from him, and heard the young man screaming his name as he was taken away.

Harry was kicking as hard as he could, but one of his arms was broken he could tell; pain coursed through his body from his arm as well as the cords that now held his legs together. He was being held tightly and someone was trying to gag him, but he managed to bite the hand of whoever it was, and was soon after dropped on the floor.

“My Master will deal with you later, Potter. For now, it looks like we will be having some fun with a former Death Eater.”

Harry watched as the manically laughing man left the room, and began screaming again. He was in so much pain, and he was having a panic attack. He needed Severus; Severus was the only one who could get him through. He needed to be reassured everything would be all right. He wanted to feel his lover’s hands caressing his face, telling him it would be all right, as he always had before. “Severus, please come get me,” screamed a hysterical Harry.

~*~

_Think, Severus, think_. Then out of the corner of his eye, Severus watched as Albus Dumbledore Apparated in front of him, but on the other side of the door. He could only see half of the man, but knew who he was and saw how forlorn the Headmaster looked.

Severus could do nothing; he, Harry and Ron, and the others’ only hope seemed to be Dumbledore. He could hear the screams of Harry, and it tore at his heart. Severus was crying on the inside and thought he would die, but he had to remain stoic and clear-headed. _Come on Albus, please hurry. _

A few seconds later, Albus Apparated directly in front of Severus and looked down at the man, shaking his head. “Severus, no one else can see or hear me, but I only have a few minutes. I don’t know what happened.  Suddenly, Crabbe Sr. appeared as we were all entering Grimmauld Place, and he had with him a group of his fellow Death Eaters. Everyone has been stunned. I can end this and get everyone out safely, Severus…everyone except Harry, that is,” Albus said as his voice began to shake.”

Severus could not speak; he had to remain impassive as if he were looking at and listening to, no one.

“Severus, I am Harry’s great-grandfather. Grindelwald raped me and I gave birth to Harry’s grandfather, Jacob. I knew my son was in grave danger, therefore I found him another home, with Jeremiah and Lucy Potter and they raised him as their own. Severus, my blood and Harry’s are almost as interconnected as his and Draco’s would have been with their son. No matter that I am his great grandfather, in his current condition, my death will certainly cause his as well, but my death is the only thing that will save any of you, unless you have another idea. If Harry was not so weak, he would survive, but I fear he is far too weak for that to be the case.”

Severus’s eyes widened in fear and confusion. He did not understand what Albus was saying…how could he save everyone by dying? He furrowed his brows, but Albus raised his hand.

“Severus, I don’t know what to do. That is why I have been avoiding Harry so much this year. I was afraid someone would find out about his relationship to me and try to kill me in order to kill him.”

Severus had had enough and was about to take matters into his own hands when Bill Weasley suddenly appeared and began spouting off curse after curse, sending Death Eaters slamming into walls. Severus watched as the young man looked his way and watched in slow motion as the eldest Weasley son aimed his wand at the space in front of Severus. “NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

Severus felt as the older man slumped over and watched as the image of Albus Dumbledore slowly began to appear, and watched as a horrified Bill ran to them, crying out.

Severus immediately threw off his cords that had been restricting him, stood up, and ran towards the direction he had last heard Harry, but turned back around and shouted. “Bill, you cannot let him die, do you hear me? HE MUST LIVE!!!!!”

Severus passed several Death eaters lying either dead or unconscious; he did not care which. He heard a faint sound coming from one of the rooms and entered it, finding Harry on the floor, gasping for air. “Harry?”

Harry turned his head, still gasping for any breaths he could get. His panic attack had progressed to the point to where he was finding it almost impossible to breathe. He reached out a hand and felt as Severus sat beside him. It was so hard to breathe and he wanted so badly to close his eyes, but something kept telling him not to. He felt his hand being stroked and heard Severus speaking, but he couldn’t understand what was being said. It was as if he were in a vacuum: everything was magnified. Then he watched as others entered the room: he recognised Madam Pomfrey, and watched as the matron frantically ran around, waving her wand, poking him and looking into his eyes. Everything was becoming blurry and he could no longer hear anything. It was all closing in on him and he wanted it all to stop.

Severus watched as Harry’s eyelids slowly closed, hiding the precious emerald eyes of his young love, and then watched as the chest he was halfway lying on, stopped rising. He could not do anything. He looked around the room and watched as everyone reacted. He could hear the cries and he could see the tears, yet he could do nothing but stare at the young lifeless man who only minutes before had been so full of life, even if he had been weak. He lifted his shaking hand and tucked a piece of hair behind Harry’s ear as his chin began to quiver, then caressed the boy’s cheek as the tears began to fall down his face. “It’s okay, Harry, everything is all right now; you’re okay now…you’re okay, love,” Severus said through his tears as he lowered his head onto the boy’s chest and began shaking violently.

_No, please no. Oh Merlin, pleeeeeeeeease no_. Severus eventually lifted his head and could see everyone leaving the room. It was too late, and he knew it. His Harry was gone, and wasn’t ever coming back. Severus wiped the tears off his chin as others replaced them, and gathered Harry in his arms and walked to one of the windows where the sun could be seen setting, and began crying harder as he held Harry to him.

He wasn’t sure how long he remained standing there, but eventually he felt himself being led outdoors and was asked if he could Disapparate with Harry to Hogwarts.

 

He knew not how, but he found himself in the hospital wing sitting on the bed that his Harry had occupied all those months ago. He looked down at the bundle in his arms and noticed how peaceful looking the mussed hair young man looked. He felt as someone tried to take his Harry, and tightened his grip on the young man.

He knew he had to let go of Harry, but not yet. _Not ever._ “Leave us alone.” He glanced up at a teary Madam Pomfrey, who nodded and left the room. Severus stood up and laid the lifeless body of the young man he loved on the bed, then lowered himself so he was sitting beside the still figure of Harry. “I love you Harry. I LOVE YOU HARRY, I love you Harry, I LOVE YOU HARRY,” was cried out in increasingly louder anguish filled screams. He lowered himself and placed a kiss on the still somewhat warm lips and could still taste the peppermint Harry had eaten earlier. As his tears fell on the young pale face below him, Severus wiped them away, imagining for a moment they were those of his young lover who would awaken at any moment, but he knew that would not happen.

Severus turned around as he felt someone gently caressing his shoulder, and looked into the sad eyes of Poppy. “I can’t let him go, Poppy. He told me not to let go…I can’t let go…please don’t make me let go.”

Poppy then sat on the bed and wrapped her arms around the inconsolable man. “He’ll always be in your heart, Severus, always.”

~*~

Hogwarts new Headmistress and Hermione found Severus sitting on the edge of the cliff early the next morning, and they both knew it was likely the man had spent the entire night outdoors. Hermione ran and collapsed into his arms, completely not caring what the man thought. She had lost her two best friends, but somehow knew that her former professor was hurting far worse than she was.

Severus tried comforting the crying witch; he knew he was not the only one who had lost someone, but he certainly hoped he was the only one hurting as badly as he was. He would not want anyone else going through the pain he was.

He felt as Minerva pulled Hermione away, and nodded as the older witch beckoned him to follow them. He looked back longingly at what he had thought would be his direct path to Harry. He had hurt so badly after the lifeless body of the young man who had filled his life with such wonder, had been taken from him, and knew that all he wanted to do was join his young Harry wherever he was. He had gone to the cliff intending to end his pain and join Harry, but for some reason, which he had no idea of what it was, he found himself still here.

He followed the two witches into the Great Hall and sat at the spot he had occupied when he had been employed at Hogwarts. The usually noisy hall was deathly quiet; only a handful of students were eating breakfast, and no one spoke a word. He dutifully ate the food placed in front of him only because Minerva would not allow him to leave until he did so. He knew the tears were back, and knew no one would say anything. After finishing his food, he stood up, left the hall without a word, walked to the hospital wing, and found his Harry, now cold and more lifeless than the day before. Poppy tried making him leave, saying he was only making it harder on himself.

“Making it harder? Poppy, there is no way this can be any harder than it is now. He is dead, Poppy, DEAD. He is not coming back…EVER!!! You know, I couldn’t even kill myself properly so I could be with him. I don’t know what is wrong with me. No, I know, it is Harry. I can hear him saying, 'Live for me, Severus, Live for me, Severus.'" Severus then let out a slight chuckle. “Merlin, I did live for him, every day that I knew the real him, I lived for him, even when he could barely live for himself. I don’t think I can live without him, Poppy, but he would be so angry with me if I gave up, and I couldn’t face an angry Harry, I could never make my Harry angry,” cried out an anguished filled Severus as he felt himself sliding down the wall and then collapsing on the floor. “Damn Gryffindor.” Severus lifted his head as tears fell on his robes and he looked at Poppy. “It’s at times like this that I really do wish I was a Slytherin,” half-laughed and half-cried the heartbroken man.

~*~

The funeral was a blur, as was everything else that happened over the next few months. Severus had resigned himself to living, for now anyway. He would take each day as it came. Minerva stayed with him each night, only leaving him if he seemed to be doing okay, which was not often.

Ron had never regained consciousness and had died of his wounds. Molly was grieving over his death, and she spent most of her time with her family, but it helped her to visit Severus a few days a week. Bill came with her a few times to see Severus, but he had not taken Ron and Harry’s deaths well at all, and remained hidden away from everyone.

Hermione found it almost unbearable to see her former professor, but she forced herself to -- knowing it somehow helped her deal with her own grief over her two best friends’ deaths. She forced him to talk about Harry and cried with the man she had not so long ago hated, and prayed that Merlin would take him to Harry soon. She could see how much he hurt.

The only comfort Severus could take from this entire situation, and it was small comfort, was the fact that Voldemort had been killed. According to Minerva, the bastard had been the one to kill Dumbledore; he had used Polyjuice and appeared as Bill, and when Dumbledore had died, Voldemort had died as well. No one had an explanation, but there was no doubt the man had died; he had been cremated immediately.

Severus was the only one who knew about Albus being Harry’s great-grandfather, and he wondered if Voldemort was not somehow related to Albus as well. He still did not understand how Voldemort could have been killed, but that was the only half-logical explanation he could come up with. He would always have questions about what Albus had told him, and knew many secrets had died along with the former Headmaster that day, but he knew all he needed to know.

He knew that Harry had died because he was weak. He was weak because he had been raped. He was raped because Severus told four of his Slytherin students, which included his son, who later died, to teach Harry a lesson, and Harry was raped because the Slytherins saw what looked like Harry’s father and four of his friends raping him, a memory that Severus had no idea was in his Pensieve. Regardless, it had been, and it had begun the chain of events that eventually led to his Harry’s death.

This was his sentence; he would not die, but live, knowing that he had killed the one person whom he had ever loved, and the one person whom had ever loved him.

~ Fin ~

As I said at the beginning of this fic, it was not going to be a happy fic. I don’t know what to say now. I can’t believe Maleficium is now complete and I can’t believe I actually killed Harry. You have no idea how hard it was for me to do so — I tried many times to have him live, but knew I would end up not happy with myself if I allowed him to.

There were many complicated scenarios that took place, especially near the end, and they all have explanations, but since this was from Harry and Severus’s POV’s only, except for the epilogue, many things could not be explained.

I must thank my awesome betas, Nymphy and Magdelena. They were wonderful, and helped me so much, giving me ideas, giving me their opinions, and putting their knowledge to use — ‘Maleficium’ would not be the fic it is today without them, and I’ll be forever grateful to the both of them!!!!

And I know I owe you major fluff, Magdelena! I know you did not want me to kill Harry, but I am so grateful that you helped me through these last few chapters, getting everything just right, and I also thank you for reading all of my continued heartbreaking things that kept happening.

And to my reviewers, Oh my goodness — I am so overwhelmed by the response, and I have looked forward to reading your comments. I especially want to thank those of you who reviewed just about every chapter! I have always said it is not about the reviews, and that is the truth, mostly. I write for myself, and that is where I get most of my satisfaction from.  However, the only way to truly gage if what you have written is good or not, is for others to read and review.

Thank you everyone for reading ‘Maleficium.’ I can almost assure you I will not be writing any other HP fics as heartbreaking as this one has been, but I will continue to write HP — it is so much fun, and I love Harry and Severus, and am even beginning to expand my horizons a bit and experiment with other pairings!! But Harry and Snape will always be my favorite pairing, and will always be special to me because now I have written two novel length fics about the two. Thanks again everyone for your continued support of Maleficium; you will never know how much it has meant to me.

~ Sev1970 ~

 

#### Chapter Twenty-Two: META Information about M

May 30, 2005

  


Some Final thoughts on “Maleficium” that I should have added as soon as I completed the fic. Thanks to Magdelena for beta’ing it for me to make sure it sounded okay.

~*~

‘Maleficium’ was a difficult story to tell, and in the process of writing it, I had to make many decisions that I knew would be controversial to many who would eventually read it. To clear up some questions readers have had, and to extrapolate further as to why I wrote what I did, I decided to add some meta for my fiction…this is my first attempt at this.

"Maleficium" is about choices and the decisions we make. I wanted to show how any decision, good or bad could have effects for years to come, both positive and negative. One never knows when something they say will actually play a factor in what happens years down the road. This fiction deals with an extremely _evil act_ (the English meaning of Maleficium), and has dire consequences. The fiction is a tragedy in every sense of the word, but there are moments of understanding, acceptance and of happiness. This fiction explores the after-effects of an act that was horrific -- not only how negatively it affects everyone, but the positive aspects that can potentially come out of such horrific situations, as well. I hope that the following will shed some light as to why I made certain decisions, and why I used the characters I did.

Snape is my favorite character in the HP series for many reasons, but I find him most interesting mainly because he is so complex and is utterly despicable in his attitudes. We know there must be a reason he acts the way he does, and many of us have fun trying to explain why, in fan fiction. I do think Snape has redeeming qualities, and I don’t think he is as bad as some people make him out to be. I seriously think no one has ever given him any respect and any help at attaining what he needs most -- confidence and self-esteem. I think these factors lead to Snape becoming closed off and nasty to others. Instead of delving into the past to try to explain his reasoning for acting as he does, however, I decided to take his brash and hateful attitude and incorporate it into a story where his choices to act in such a nasty way have consequences he cannot fathom.

I did not want Snape to be involved physically in the “_Maleficium__” -- evil act._ As I said, I do not think he is inherently bad, therefore I seriously doubt he would do anything remotely close to what happened in this fiction. I do however, think he makes brash decisions, and I decided to have him make a life altering decision in the fiction, one that many people would suffer the consequences of, for the rest of their lives.

To accomplish this, I first needed to find Snape’s weakness, which of course is Harry. Some may not call it a weakness, but to me it fits so perfectly. Snape is so blinded by hatred of Harry’s father that he transfers that animosity to Harry. Of course there are other factors that we do not yet know of which cause Snape so much animosity towards Harry, but since we do not yet have that information, I use Harry’s father as an example.

Secondly, I needed something to happen to Harry that was a direct result of something Snape did or said. I debated having Harry run away, thought about having his relatives kidnap him, seriously considered having him join Voldemort, and a few other things. Ultimately however, I decided to have Harry raped. Rape is such a violent act, and is evil. I cannot think of much else that is worse than rape. I needed this act to rock the foundation of both Harry and Snape, and I didn’t think I could adequately do that with any other method.

There was a problem with this, however. I have never been raped before, and knew I would be delving deeply into the after affects of rape on Harry. I thought about just using another act, but as I said earlier, there was no other act I felt could allow me to portray events the way I wanted to. Finally deciding to write the rape, I researched extensively. I was very thorough in every aspect of how I portrayed Harry’s post-rape attitudes. As I knew they would, people have commented on how he acted. Many thought his reactions were very believable, while others did not.

As most of my readers know, I am not one to write about what happens to the average person -- I write about what happens to one person in one particular situation. Not every incident is going to affect people the same way, and Harry’s reactions seem to me to be very consistent with how he should have acted. I am quite certain there are those reading this who may have been a victim of sexual assault, and who probably reacted differently. I don’t think there is one way to react, so in that regard, I do not think I should have to make him react one way just because that is the way a reader reacted in a similar situation.

I wanted to create my own fic without messing up canon too much, so I began with Harry’s sixth year. Using the Pensieve as the catalyst for everything that happened seemed like a foregone conclusion since it was the last real contact Snape and Harry had in OotP, and Snape would still be harboring ill feelings about it, towards Harry.

I think Snape is extremely spiteful, so him having Harry actually look into the Pensieve at his bad memories, seems consistent with what Snape might do.

Now to the difficult part -- I had to set up what would eventually happen to Harry. I toyed with the idea of Snape knowing the memory of his being raped was in the Pensieve, but almost immediately discarded that thought. He would never show a memory like that to anyone, I am quite positive. So then, I came up with the idea of his memories of the rape being mixed in with other memories, and thought that was perfect for what I needed. I needed Snape to be completely oblivious to what was going to be seen by Harry.

Deciding to use Draco and his friends to do the actual raping was not a hard decision for me to make, but I had serious reservations about it because just as I do not think Snape would ever rape Harry, I do not think Draco would, either. This is probably the only part of the fic that seems far-fetched to me, but as it worked for this situation, I used it.

I do think Draco craves acceptance, and I used that factor to have him carry out what was asked of him. I followed the idea that Draco respected Snape and would do anything the man asked of him. I didn’t want his and Snape’s relationship to be too close, but close enough that Draco would feasibly do anything Snape asked, even if he thought it was wrong.

I had to be careful how I worded everything surrounding the Pensieve scene when Draco and the three others were looking in it. I had to have Snape give them permission to do what they saw done to him, but of course Snape did not know the full extent of what they saw, so he really was giving them permission to do something that he was not aware of. Having Snape tell them they could do this, regardless of what they saw, sounds childish, but I think Snape is rather childish acting in canon, so it was not a far stretch for me to have him act so vindictively here.

Everything surrounding this fiction was difficult to write. The most outrageous part of the fiction, and for some, quite unforgiving, was the fact that I didn’t have Draco and the others, as well as Snape, punished in a manner befitting their crime. I know a few people seemed outraged that I would seem to overlook this matter. However, that is not at all how it was; I was aware of their lack of punishment, and it seemed unfair to me as well, but it made perfect sense to me in the context of the fiction.

Voldemort had returned to power, and was once again recruiting followers and unleashing his brand of hatred around the countryside. Draco Malfoy and his three friends were Slytherins and their fathers were known Death Eaters. If they left Hogwarts, there was not much doubt about where they would go. Snape could not leave either because if Draco and his friends were expelled and kicked out of Hogwarts because of something Snape asked them to do, it would not be long before Snape would be found and killed if he were not behind the protections offered by Hogwarts.

I had the four Slytherins expelled, but nothing else, and now wish I had not even expelled them. The way I have it written, they could still leave Hogwarts if they chose to, so that was not really keeping them safe at all. The only way for them to be safe was if they would have been required to stay at the school. So, I could have handled that a bit differently, but oh well…such is life.

So, the four Slytherins and Snape were barely punished for their heinous crime, for a reason. Dumbledore was trying to keep them out of the grips of Voldemort -- that is the only reason. It was also another example pointing to how unfair life can be. Harry was brutally raped and left for dead, and his assailants did not receive adequate punishment, such as an Azkaban prison sentence. Although, I think everyone will agree, in the end, each was punished quite severely -- I do not think any crime goes unpunished.

I have covered everything that needed to be explained further. The entire fiction is a result of the above incidents I have written about. I will not explain why I had "Maleficium" end the way it did; it was the only ending that made sense to me. It was painful writing it, and I tried to change it many times in my mind, but I knew that is how I had to end it, so I did.

Everything in our lives happens because we make choices: good and bad choices that will have both good and bad consequences. It is how we respond to the choices made that show our true character.

~*~

 

 

 


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